Live Compassion But Take No Shit
Anyone who's been around me for more than a couple of years has probably noticed the annual extended New Year's Resolution pattern of my life. It's actually a valuable routine, although it doesn't lead to as much change in my life as I'd like. I typically start looking at my life overall the week after Christmas and sometimes spend as long as a month or six weeks percolating on how I want to focus my growth THIS year.
The biggest visible problem in my life is my weight and the associated health issues and risks. I keep tackling that issue head on, from the side, from behind, from overhead, and I'm not only not making progress, I'm steadily gaining weight from year to year. I do understand clearly that the number I see on a scale isn't the whole measure of my physical health, but there are other warning signs too. My blood sugar is worrisome; I don't have much energy; my body aches; I very rarely actually feel good physically. That's just the physical, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
One tremendously important thing I've learned over the last couple of years TRYING to lose weight, is that I need to change how I deal with myself and other people before I can let go of the blanket of fat I've wrapped myself in. So this year, I'm NOT trying to lose weight; I'm trying to get my head on straight.
I need to learn better skills for identifying, expressing and dealing with emotions. My default skill is distraction--instead of facing what hurts and talking about it, I eat a snack, change the subject, read a book, eat a snack, start a project. There are "healthier" choices for distraction. I could take a walk, breathe deeply, do some stretches, but those are still distractions. They're not ways to process emotions; they're ways to defuse them.
When that default fails, I lose it. Yelling at the people I love is an even worse coping mechanism than eating. Given the choice of those two methods of dealing, it's no wonder I keep eating. Looking back at the previous paragraph, I see defuse as a deliberate word choice--the alternative is an explosion. The idea that all emotions are potentially dangerous and explosive encourages not expressing emotions which just build pressure to an explosive point.
I've internalized the idea that emotions are bad and should be ignored, repressed, squelched, or hidden. I can take a deep breath or walk around for a few minutes to clear my head. I've been working on learning to meditate for several years, and have gotten better at stilling my mind and body. I think that skill set serves as a foundation for a new set of skills I need to learn. That skill set involves recognizing, identifying and processing emotions. How do I do that?
At this point, I don't have a full answer. I do have an inkling though, or maybe several inklings...
The first thing I need to do is break the cycle of escalating emotion. I can spiral from calm to rabid faster than a race car going from 0 to 60. Healthy distractions actually are useful for that. Taking a break or a deep breath breaks the cycle. I want to use that break to identify what button is getting pushed by the situation. So often for me, it's about fear. I live with the constant fear that everyone around me will figure out I'm faking it. I'm not really that competent; it just looks like I am. I must fiercely defend my idea because I'm afraid it's stupid or wrong. I must prove my superiority because I think I'm inferior. I can't do much well, but I'll show you I can do THIS perfectly.
Another powerful things I can do when I'm angry with another person is trying to see things from his/her perspective. That's the very beginning of compassion, I think. Instead of getting angry over a perceived failure by myself or someone else, I want to "live compassion". I can be very demanding of others, but I'm also pretty heartless with myself.
There's a flip side to that compassion though. I can empathize, get inside someone's head to see their point of view, and respond with loving compassion without being a doormat. Viewing someone with understanding, love and compassion does not mean accepting abuse from that person. So, I'm striving for a balance. I will live compassion, but take no shit.
This is SO HARD for me. The usual cycle is that I get angry or hurt over a remark, brood on it, nurse the hurt, tell myself I'm stupid for being so hypersensitive, lather, rinse, repeat. I'm terrified to express my anger or hurt, so I just let it build. I don't think it's "polite" to say anything, so I don't. I don't want to ruffle feathers, so I keep quiet.
Most of all, I'm terrified that if I say anything that's not "nice", I'll lose people. If I speak up, I'll have no one in my life.
It's a challenge, but I've started speaking up when I don't agree with something being said. Hopefully it will get easier with practice, and I'll be able to tackle tougher subjects with more grace.
A side benefit of not taking shit is that I don't build up a reservoir of anger. If I routinely "bleed off" emotional pressure, I get lots of much needed practice at stating boundaries kindly, so I make 50 small statements instead of accumulating 50 small hurts and losing it over number 51, mystifying everyone around me with the importance I've just attached to sorting laundry into the correct bins.
Once again, it's about balance. I will live compassion, but take no shit.
The biggest visible problem in my life is my weight and the associated health issues and risks. I keep tackling that issue head on, from the side, from behind, from overhead, and I'm not only not making progress, I'm steadily gaining weight from year to year. I do understand clearly that the number I see on a scale isn't the whole measure of my physical health, but there are other warning signs too. My blood sugar is worrisome; I don't have much energy; my body aches; I very rarely actually feel good physically. That's just the physical, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
One tremendously important thing I've learned over the last couple of years TRYING to lose weight, is that I need to change how I deal with myself and other people before I can let go of the blanket of fat I've wrapped myself in. So this year, I'm NOT trying to lose weight; I'm trying to get my head on straight.
I need to learn better skills for identifying, expressing and dealing with emotions. My default skill is distraction--instead of facing what hurts and talking about it, I eat a snack, change the subject, read a book, eat a snack, start a project. There are "healthier" choices for distraction. I could take a walk, breathe deeply, do some stretches, but those are still distractions. They're not ways to process emotions; they're ways to defuse them.
When that default fails, I lose it. Yelling at the people I love is an even worse coping mechanism than eating. Given the choice of those two methods of dealing, it's no wonder I keep eating. Looking back at the previous paragraph, I see defuse as a deliberate word choice--the alternative is an explosion. The idea that all emotions are potentially dangerous and explosive encourages not expressing emotions which just build pressure to an explosive point.
I've internalized the idea that emotions are bad and should be ignored, repressed, squelched, or hidden. I can take a deep breath or walk around for a few minutes to clear my head. I've been working on learning to meditate for several years, and have gotten better at stilling my mind and body. I think that skill set serves as a foundation for a new set of skills I need to learn. That skill set involves recognizing, identifying and processing emotions. How do I do that?
At this point, I don't have a full answer. I do have an inkling though, or maybe several inklings...
The first thing I need to do is break the cycle of escalating emotion. I can spiral from calm to rabid faster than a race car going from 0 to 60. Healthy distractions actually are useful for that. Taking a break or a deep breath breaks the cycle. I want to use that break to identify what button is getting pushed by the situation. So often for me, it's about fear. I live with the constant fear that everyone around me will figure out I'm faking it. I'm not really that competent; it just looks like I am. I must fiercely defend my idea because I'm afraid it's stupid or wrong. I must prove my superiority because I think I'm inferior. I can't do much well, but I'll show you I can do THIS perfectly.
Another powerful things I can do when I'm angry with another person is trying to see things from his/her perspective. That's the very beginning of compassion, I think. Instead of getting angry over a perceived failure by myself or someone else, I want to "live compassion". I can be very demanding of others, but I'm also pretty heartless with myself.
There's a flip side to that compassion though. I can empathize, get inside someone's head to see their point of view, and respond with loving compassion without being a doormat. Viewing someone with understanding, love and compassion does not mean accepting abuse from that person. So, I'm striving for a balance. I will live compassion, but take no shit.
This is SO HARD for me. The usual cycle is that I get angry or hurt over a remark, brood on it, nurse the hurt, tell myself I'm stupid for being so hypersensitive, lather, rinse, repeat. I'm terrified to express my anger or hurt, so I just let it build. I don't think it's "polite" to say anything, so I don't. I don't want to ruffle feathers, so I keep quiet.
Most of all, I'm terrified that if I say anything that's not "nice", I'll lose people. If I speak up, I'll have no one in my life.
It's a challenge, but I've started speaking up when I don't agree with something being said. Hopefully it will get easier with practice, and I'll be able to tackle tougher subjects with more grace.
A side benefit of not taking shit is that I don't build up a reservoir of anger. If I routinely "bleed off" emotional pressure, I get lots of much needed practice at stating boundaries kindly, so I make 50 small statements instead of accumulating 50 small hurts and losing it over number 51, mystifying everyone around me with the importance I've just attached to sorting laundry into the correct bins.
Once again, it's about balance. I will live compassion, but take no shit.