Doing Badly & Letting Go
I come by obsessive perfectionism honestly. It's an affliction both my parents had. My mother said, and I quote, "I don't expect much, just perfection." I remember my father telling me that he made a C in life -- the first person in his entire family to got to college, a man with a Medical Degree, a Board certified Pathologist, a talented artist and musician -- and he gave himself a C in life. There's a clear pattern here..
The best way to trigger a guilt trip for me is to ask, "Did you do your best?" There's always MORE I could have done, a detail I missed, a point where my focus flagged. I grew up thinking a B was a low grade. C's were simply unimaginable. I struggle a lot with job performance appraisals where nearly everyone gets a "Meets Expectations." My boss assures me that's a B, but it's still hard. I think I'm flunking work.
There's one exception to my obsessive need for perfection. I garden BADLY. I try and fail a lot. I've been gardening for most of my adult life, and I still kill an embarrassingly large percentage of the plants I buy or raise. The majority of the seeds I plant don't germinate, or they do germinate and then they die, often because I forget to water them or don't get around to planting them out. I plant things in the wrong place, and they get too big, or get smothered because they're too small, or burn up from too much light, or stretch and fall over from not enough light. But I keep on doing it, and doing it badly. Despite all the mistakes and slips, my overall progress is still forward. My garden looks better than it did when I started. I get more food, flowers, herbs and JOY from my garden every year.
Now I need to transfer that attitude to improving my health. I'm making progress, and it doesn't matter how many mistakes I make as long as I keep making progress. I'll probably spend years making mistakes, but as long as I'm making progress, that's fine. In the end, there is no grade on life.
The best way to trigger a guilt trip for me is to ask, "Did you do your best?" There's always MORE I could have done, a detail I missed, a point where my focus flagged. I grew up thinking a B was a low grade. C's were simply unimaginable. I struggle a lot with job performance appraisals where nearly everyone gets a "Meets Expectations." My boss assures me that's a B, but it's still hard. I think I'm flunking work.
There's one exception to my obsessive need for perfection. I garden BADLY. I try and fail a lot. I've been gardening for most of my adult life, and I still kill an embarrassingly large percentage of the plants I buy or raise. The majority of the seeds I plant don't germinate, or they do germinate and then they die, often because I forget to water them or don't get around to planting them out. I plant things in the wrong place, and they get too big, or get smothered because they're too small, or burn up from too much light, or stretch and fall over from not enough light. But I keep on doing it, and doing it badly. Despite all the mistakes and slips, my overall progress is still forward. My garden looks better than it did when I started. I get more food, flowers, herbs and JOY from my garden every year.
Now I need to transfer that attitude to improving my health. I'm making progress, and it doesn't matter how many mistakes I make as long as I keep making progress. I'll probably spend years making mistakes, but as long as I'm making progress, that's fine. In the end, there is no grade on life.