I am totally lost
I am totally lost. I have no idea what I am going to do or where I am going. What will i do when I become an adult? Will I escape living at home next year? Why do I party so much?
I just want to cry, but i find it too exhilirating. I am at the cusp of something and I am afraid I will sink into a very uninspiring rut. Teetering on it, I find like I am finally coming to something important. I highly doubt I am this apathetic, but if makes me breath hard and prevents me from dismissing itself with an ironic joke, its gotta be meaningful.
Freakin A.
Essentially I want to live my life with no regrets. You have to plan these things. The life that might make me happiest is not easily reached. Heck, I don't even know if I want to be happy. I just want to be a physicist. Allow me to dream to be a rockstar for a second, I just want to be a neutrino physicist. Disecting the weak force seems like the job for me.
The main point is that I have an idea of what will make me happy in the future and I want to reach towards that goal. It is one of my weaknesses that I sabatoge my efforts to better myself, especially when that involves hard work. Japan Japan Japan. Shimokitazawa Shimokitazawa Shimokitazaw.
Physice/ Japan another brief sidenote in my life considerations. Japan or Physics? Definately a year off. Definately want to go to Japan. Getting there? IDK? Will have another opportunity to go later? Later hopefully will be doing physics PhD. So later might not have time to.
Sheize. Enough of my plans and what of my "am"s? What am I like? Whenever I'm introspective I am critical. Is that because I have a low sense of myself? I think I dissapoint myself in many ways. I let myself down. My character flaws are just too much to overcome. I think some good things too.
I find myself agreeable company. If I am not satisfied with what I do I am reasonably well satisfied with what I am. To not sound too egotistical, (for shame!), I will mention the statistic I saw, which noted on average people tend to think more highly of themselves than others did of them.
So I am not that great.
Character Flaws:
Apathetic, Lazy, Arrogant, Sleazy, Pushy, Passive, dismissive, annoying, emotional, appears emotionless, been told I'm awkward although I never really saw that one, too trusting, too cerebral, self absorbed, passive agressive, irresponsible, lucky.
"Let's look on the brightside," I want to say and flip the contemplation upside down. Enter a spin zone where my life is nice and will stay that way. My life is never nice, probably noone's is. But mine for sure isn't. But i wonder curiously how many other people's pain comes from self-dissapointedness. So, while I could discuss some positive things that are going on, I would prefer here to look on the dark side of things.
I don't do my work enough. That is probably a problem. I do it and get it done, but if I am not careful... Temporarily my problems involve me slacking off on my work, although this is the eternal dillemma. It bothers me that I am lazy. If I let it bother me then maybe I will do something about it. That is the plan at least. Hahaha, why do I do so little? Why do I believe everything? Is it because I am trapped in a world of ideas or because I (can not?) have not grown up. I definately have not. I am 21 years old. All preparations are being prepared for me to leave the nest; I ain't there yet. But unfortunately, most of the work has to be supplied by me.
I want to be unhappy. I want to be discontented. I want to decribe myself as apathetic, but I worry if I use that word I will sound like a disafected youth market that I don't want to be part of. I want a marginal amount of pain in my life, because pain is like a razor, and one may enjoy cutting oneself every once in a while. I fully believe not I nor anyone else will ever be happy and so what is the point in trying?
But you have to try at something, at the very least get satisfaction of peddling on the treadmill, so why not try at advancing your satisfaction level.
Oh well, life stinks, no point crying about it, or doing anything Drastic, please. (Actually, I think life is pretty good. More accurately I think the living condition stinks.)
Will next year be good for me? Man, I dont want to talk about it, it turns my stomach, but I really hope I dont live at home. No offense to the folks, but I would just be wasting away in Boston. I've got a lot of excited energy right now, and to see it fizzle in Boston would be bad. If i get the ball together there is Japan or California. I have romantic notions of, if all else fails, just moving out to California and getting a low-wage job, at least until I got my act together on the top of the ball and did the darn thing.
Oh yea, not thinking about things is another thing I am particularly good at. Bad thought, escape across the border.
Other things that bother me: Women, friends, special passings, family, death, my eternal salvation, good thing I find strength in God, although my faith is not perfect. I am bothered by my acne, my weak muscles, my thin hamstrings, my nonexistant butt, a weird indentation in my chest, my pale legs, and other things.
I miss certain people and am sure I will miss certain people in the near future. But i would love to live alone with no ties in the Land of the Rising Sun. :(
To sum it up: I right now on the pinnacle of graduation am playing a very high stakes game. It is less fun and more exciting than gambling. I can quite reasonably lose; I might win. I am restless, I am different in ways that would take another entry to dissect, I am still nihilistic, still religous, I truthfully have a large desire to mack it with girls, (to all the ladies out there -- let me know if you want to snuggle.) I am malcontended, although I have been malcontended for most of my life. What I have borders on anxious but is not nearly so ephemeral and existentialist. It is also sadder. I got big possibilities and big dissapointments nearby. And what you just read, (if you made it this far, thanks,) was a needed agression against myself.
I have an open question you might answer me, somehow. I am curious, does everyone experience a fair sized element of unhapiness in their core being? Im not wondering for sympathy reasons, I only want to know if it is normal.
I end with two quotes:
Ghostface Killah --
When we on the block bubbling rocks, watching for cops
Holding glocks in and out of the spots, (it's all good)
When we overseas, getting that cheese, whipping the hottest V's
Blowin' exotic trees, playa, (it's all good)
When I'm in the whip, sunk in the six, drunk off the liqs
Pull up, stunting, fronting for chicks, (it's all good)
When we on stage getting them Grammy's, snatching them panties
Jetskiing off the shores of Miami, (it's all gooduotes).
Blue Six
Now all the thoughts ive had seem so uncertain
Im crippled by the awful things things ive seen
I sit and watch the sunset on the harbour
Wondering what it all must be.
I just want to cry, but i find it too exhilirating. I am at the cusp of something and I am afraid I will sink into a very uninspiring rut. Teetering on it, I find like I am finally coming to something important. I highly doubt I am this apathetic, but if makes me breath hard and prevents me from dismissing itself with an ironic joke, its gotta be meaningful.
Freakin A.
Essentially I want to live my life with no regrets. You have to plan these things. The life that might make me happiest is not easily reached. Heck, I don't even know if I want to be happy. I just want to be a physicist. Allow me to dream to be a rockstar for a second, I just want to be a neutrino physicist. Disecting the weak force seems like the job for me.
The main point is that I have an idea of what will make me happy in the future and I want to reach towards that goal. It is one of my weaknesses that I sabatoge my efforts to better myself, especially when that involves hard work. Japan Japan Japan. Shimokitazawa Shimokitazawa Shimokitazaw.
Physice/ Japan another brief sidenote in my life considerations. Japan or Physics? Definately a year off. Definately want to go to Japan. Getting there? IDK? Will have another opportunity to go later? Later hopefully will be doing physics PhD. So later might not have time to.
Sheize. Enough of my plans and what of my "am"s? What am I like? Whenever I'm introspective I am critical. Is that because I have a low sense of myself? I think I dissapoint myself in many ways. I let myself down. My character flaws are just too much to overcome. I think some good things too.
I find myself agreeable company. If I am not satisfied with what I do I am reasonably well satisfied with what I am. To not sound too egotistical, (for shame!), I will mention the statistic I saw, which noted on average people tend to think more highly of themselves than others did of them.
So I am not that great.
Character Flaws:
Apathetic, Lazy, Arrogant, Sleazy, Pushy, Passive, dismissive, annoying, emotional, appears emotionless, been told I'm awkward although I never really saw that one, too trusting, too cerebral, self absorbed, passive agressive, irresponsible, lucky.
"Let's look on the brightside," I want to say and flip the contemplation upside down. Enter a spin zone where my life is nice and will stay that way. My life is never nice, probably noone's is. But mine for sure isn't. But i wonder curiously how many other people's pain comes from self-dissapointedness. So, while I could discuss some positive things that are going on, I would prefer here to look on the dark side of things.
I don't do my work enough. That is probably a problem. I do it and get it done, but if I am not careful... Temporarily my problems involve me slacking off on my work, although this is the eternal dillemma. It bothers me that I am lazy. If I let it bother me then maybe I will do something about it. That is the plan at least. Hahaha, why do I do so little? Why do I believe everything? Is it because I am trapped in a world of ideas or because I (can not?) have not grown up. I definately have not. I am 21 years old. All preparations are being prepared for me to leave the nest; I ain't there yet. But unfortunately, most of the work has to be supplied by me.
I want to be unhappy. I want to be discontented. I want to decribe myself as apathetic, but I worry if I use that word I will sound like a disafected youth market that I don't want to be part of. I want a marginal amount of pain in my life, because pain is like a razor, and one may enjoy cutting oneself every once in a while. I fully believe not I nor anyone else will ever be happy and so what is the point in trying?
But you have to try at something, at the very least get satisfaction of peddling on the treadmill, so why not try at advancing your satisfaction level.
Oh well, life stinks, no point crying about it, or doing anything Drastic, please. (Actually, I think life is pretty good. More accurately I think the living condition stinks.)
Will next year be good for me? Man, I dont want to talk about it, it turns my stomach, but I really hope I dont live at home. No offense to the folks, but I would just be wasting away in Boston. I've got a lot of excited energy right now, and to see it fizzle in Boston would be bad. If i get the ball together there is Japan or California. I have romantic notions of, if all else fails, just moving out to California and getting a low-wage job, at least until I got my act together on the top of the ball and did the darn thing.
Oh yea, not thinking about things is another thing I am particularly good at. Bad thought, escape across the border.
Other things that bother me: Women, friends, special passings, family, death, my eternal salvation, good thing I find strength in God, although my faith is not perfect. I am bothered by my acne, my weak muscles, my thin hamstrings, my nonexistant butt, a weird indentation in my chest, my pale legs, and other things.
I miss certain people and am sure I will miss certain people in the near future. But i would love to live alone with no ties in the Land of the Rising Sun. :(
To sum it up: I right now on the pinnacle of graduation am playing a very high stakes game. It is less fun and more exciting than gambling. I can quite reasonably lose; I might win. I am restless, I am different in ways that would take another entry to dissect, I am still nihilistic, still religous, I truthfully have a large desire to mack it with girls, (to all the ladies out there -- let me know if you want to snuggle.) I am malcontended, although I have been malcontended for most of my life. What I have borders on anxious but is not nearly so ephemeral and existentialist. It is also sadder. I got big possibilities and big dissapointments nearby. And what you just read, (if you made it this far, thanks,) was a needed agression against myself.
I have an open question you might answer me, somehow. I am curious, does everyone experience a fair sized element of unhapiness in their core being? Im not wondering for sympathy reasons, I only want to know if it is normal.
I end with two quotes:
Ghostface Killah --
When we on the block bubbling rocks, watching for cops
Holding glocks in and out of the spots, (it's all good)
When we overseas, getting that cheese, whipping the hottest V's
Blowin' exotic trees, playa, (it's all good)
When I'm in the whip, sunk in the six, drunk off the liqs
Pull up, stunting, fronting for chicks, (it's all good)
When we on stage getting them Grammy's, snatching them panties
Jetskiing off the shores of Miami, (it's all gooduotes).
Blue Six
Now all the thoughts ive had seem so uncertain
Im crippled by the awful things things ive seen
I sit and watch the sunset on the harbour
Wondering what it all must be.