(no subject)
This might be a bad idea. Coming out of the woodwork. I feel like someone who's avoided a good portion of their life for the last... how many months? Months, lots of them. And I feel like waving my little flag here will bring on a maelstrom of inquiries. But, at the same time, I think that's rather presumptuous of me.
But the real point of this is to start again -- to start writing again. After spending a full day in a way disturbingly similar to days I spent about 2 years ago, I watched basically a full season of Dexter (even though I'm not quite sure I even enjoy it that much) and the newest episode of Lost.
Eventually, somehow, I made it back here. To my journal. I was trying to remember when I moved into this darn city, and for the life of me couldn't remember if it was 2005 or 2006. And so I came here to peek at my posts pre-move.
And I'm damn happy that I made those posts. I'm happy to have little glimpses of what I was thinking and feeling during that period of time. My memory is miserable and I rarely remember anything without a touchstone. And these posts were good enough to remind me. Also, I'm happy I wrote so extensively (although, at times, cryptically) about meeting Andrea. Even the cryptic messages are enough to jog my lazy memory.
And now I have this huge gap. Almost 6 months, where I don't have any memories stored anywhere. The best I can do are my credit card statements.
But, in a way, I'm happy I took the break. I don't think I ever took such an extensive break before, and I've changed a lot more in the last 6 months, I think, than I have in-between any other 6 month period of time. But then again, that might be all coincidence. Regardless, reading those posts from months and years ago, I realise I've become a lot more relaxed a person. Not as neurotic. I might even consider myself slightly happy, even though I have plenty of problems to sort out.
The 6 month hiatus is/was part of a small experiment I'm running on myself -- minimising guilt. Minimising responsibility. They're basically the same thing to me, anyway. Guilt is just what I get when I feel like I'm responsible for everything, and then feel too overwhelmed to do any of it.
So I'm back to an extremely small number of responsibilities that I'm holding myself accountable for. That's a good portion of why I haven't posted. It's a good portion of why I've stopped contacting people. It's a good portion for why I'm a lot happier than I've been in some time.
But the whole point is to slowly crawl back into responsibility. Slowly. At my own pace, when I -want- to take it. And, what can I say? It's been slow coming. I've been enjoying the very little I do these days. And I must say a lot of the reason I'm able to do any of this is that I have an amazing girlfriend who I don't have to worry about. I've, as they say, struck gold, and I don't have to worry about impressing her. A lot of the responsibility I've put upon myself in the past is an attempt to 'be a better person' so I could feel worthy of being loved. But now that's been taken care of. And all I have to worry about anymore is being better for me, and not being better for anyone else.
At times, it's scary to think about what may or might happen if I lost her. Would it throw everything into a mess? Probably. But what bad breakup wouldn't? But, part of the reason I'm in this amazing relationship in the first place is that, at least in terms of wooing her, for the first time in my life I said, 'Don't worry about fucking it up.'
I'm not sure what the next little pieces of responsibility I will take on will be. But I still think I need to spend some time on the few things I have dog-eared as 'my responsibility'.
Who'd have ever guessed I'd look back on my posts full of so much worry, and ask myself, 'Why did you worry so damn much?' But the answer was easy. I was in a desperate search for love.
But the real point of this is to start again -- to start writing again. After spending a full day in a way disturbingly similar to days I spent about 2 years ago, I watched basically a full season of Dexter (even though I'm not quite sure I even enjoy it that much) and the newest episode of Lost.
Eventually, somehow, I made it back here. To my journal. I was trying to remember when I moved into this darn city, and for the life of me couldn't remember if it was 2005 or 2006. And so I came here to peek at my posts pre-move.
And I'm damn happy that I made those posts. I'm happy to have little glimpses of what I was thinking and feeling during that period of time. My memory is miserable and I rarely remember anything without a touchstone. And these posts were good enough to remind me. Also, I'm happy I wrote so extensively (although, at times, cryptically) about meeting Andrea. Even the cryptic messages are enough to jog my lazy memory.
And now I have this huge gap. Almost 6 months, where I don't have any memories stored anywhere. The best I can do are my credit card statements.
But, in a way, I'm happy I took the break. I don't think I ever took such an extensive break before, and I've changed a lot more in the last 6 months, I think, than I have in-between any other 6 month period of time. But then again, that might be all coincidence. Regardless, reading those posts from months and years ago, I realise I've become a lot more relaxed a person. Not as neurotic. I might even consider myself slightly happy, even though I have plenty of problems to sort out.
The 6 month hiatus is/was part of a small experiment I'm running on myself -- minimising guilt. Minimising responsibility. They're basically the same thing to me, anyway. Guilt is just what I get when I feel like I'm responsible for everything, and then feel too overwhelmed to do any of it.
So I'm back to an extremely small number of responsibilities that I'm holding myself accountable for. That's a good portion of why I haven't posted. It's a good portion of why I've stopped contacting people. It's a good portion for why I'm a lot happier than I've been in some time.
But the whole point is to slowly crawl back into responsibility. Slowly. At my own pace, when I -want- to take it. And, what can I say? It's been slow coming. I've been enjoying the very little I do these days. And I must say a lot of the reason I'm able to do any of this is that I have an amazing girlfriend who I don't have to worry about. I've, as they say, struck gold, and I don't have to worry about impressing her. A lot of the responsibility I've put upon myself in the past is an attempt to 'be a better person' so I could feel worthy of being loved. But now that's been taken care of. And all I have to worry about anymore is being better for me, and not being better for anyone else.
At times, it's scary to think about what may or might happen if I lost her. Would it throw everything into a mess? Probably. But what bad breakup wouldn't? But, part of the reason I'm in this amazing relationship in the first place is that, at least in terms of wooing her, for the first time in my life I said, 'Don't worry about fucking it up.'
I'm not sure what the next little pieces of responsibility I will take on will be. But I still think I need to spend some time on the few things I have dog-eared as 'my responsibility'.
Who'd have ever guessed I'd look back on my posts full of so much worry, and ask myself, 'Why did you worry so damn much?' But the answer was easy. I was in a desperate search for love.