c'mon it's been a week already.
I'm impatient to feel better. Broke off contact with her because it was hurting to be in touch. So maybe eventually I can resume it but for now it's better this way. I feel a little weak for being so broken down and full of anguish. I'm reading Of human Bondage. The main character annoys me so much with some of his decisions sometimes. But I get it. I think it makes me angry cause I see myself in there, parts of myself that kind of piss me off. I know it's saner to be tender but some things are harder to accept right now. Which ahhhh I know is stupid because what IS.. IS. Whether I'm pissed or not. Jeez, what a bind.
I thought I'd feel better with no contact. And I do, but I also don't. It's like all of my old insecurities are rising, rising up to the surface. They were always there, even with her, but it's as though I could pass them by more easily. Now, they just dance around me. How does one even grieve ? Is it grieving I need to do now ? I'm not sure. These fears have been lurking for a long time and have NOTHING to do with her. Of course I miss her. And I miss kissing and I miss making love. And being silly with her. And with her those things are familiar and tender. They could be with someone else. but that's one of those insecurities and fears, that I won't find someone to kiss and make love and be silly with. My social awkwardness is one of those things that piss me off. Especially living in this new town where I don't know anyone. It makes for long evenings and weekends. I've been going to Montreal a bit on weekends to see friends, but I don't know, it'd be nice to meet someone/people here that I could just click with instantly without all that awkwardness/insecurity.
Then I think to myself, dude it's been two weeks, relax, make the best of it.
The loneliness and lack of human touch and affection is just really getting to me. and I'm afraid to go back into isolation. already I feel it, the space growing around me, making me feel on the outside and looking in, separated from my surroundings. It scares me. I've gone that way before. I'd rather not. I don't want to be the hermit again.
Of course I'm not powerless and I can choose, but c'mon let's give it a little patience.
I thought I'd feel better with no contact. And I do, but I also don't. It's like all of my old insecurities are rising, rising up to the surface. They were always there, even with her, but it's as though I could pass them by more easily. Now, they just dance around me. How does one even grieve ? Is it grieving I need to do now ? I'm not sure. These fears have been lurking for a long time and have NOTHING to do with her. Of course I miss her. And I miss kissing and I miss making love. And being silly with her. And with her those things are familiar and tender. They could be with someone else. but that's one of those insecurities and fears, that I won't find someone to kiss and make love and be silly with. My social awkwardness is one of those things that piss me off. Especially living in this new town where I don't know anyone. It makes for long evenings and weekends. I've been going to Montreal a bit on weekends to see friends, but I don't know, it'd be nice to meet someone/people here that I could just click with instantly without all that awkwardness/insecurity.
Then I think to myself, dude it's been two weeks, relax, make the best of it.
The loneliness and lack of human touch and affection is just really getting to me. and I'm afraid to go back into isolation. already I feel it, the space growing around me, making me feel on the outside and looking in, separated from my surroundings. It scares me. I've gone that way before. I'd rather not. I don't want to be the hermit again.
Of course I'm not powerless and I can choose, but c'mon let's give it a little patience.