I'm OK. Really.
I remembered to turn off my alarm clocks (yes, plural) yesterday so I could sleep until I woke up today. Force of habit (from getting 7am text messages from ATL for so long) had the Blackberry on my nightstand, but the only blips on it this morning weren't enough to keep me awake. I'm actually feeling rested this morning.
We wound up cancelling the family Thanksgiving at my parents' home in Michigan this year. They are still dealing with Dad's other knee replacement...my sister and her family are having a tight time with finances...therefore gas money for travel...and I've been having my own set of issues...the cancellation was late enough that other plans locally couldn't be made, but I'm doing my own dinner, just me. I'm actually quite good at doing things by myself, and I'm perfectly OK with being alone. I've had lots of practice...LOL
November is really a bad month. My maternal grandmother was buried nine years ago tomorrow. The very friendly bootglove just passed. A close friend's brother was buried a few days ago, and the mother of a new LJ friend around two weeks ago (I don't seem to be quite so interesting to him now...maybe because he realized that I'm not interested IN THAT WAY in guys who are already involved...much less already involved in a *triad*...not much room for me there, really). Friends and family are struggling to get by. Other guys here have had relationships end, and the only one I've had that I felt good about succeeding went up on the rocks in a big messy splatter.
I've lost a lot of sleep agonizing over what happened, and about what, if anything, to do about that situation. So many of you have been kind to me, sharing (privately) your own experiences with him, telling me that I dodged a bullet or that I really DIDN'T do anything wrong...you've helped me immensely. My turning point was a few days ago, after processing everything I've learned about him and laying awake in bed all night. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I cranked up the laptop to write this to myself:
"Oh dear god. Sitting bolt upright in bed, thunderstruck, at 4 am.
He was so angry at you, Dean.
Maybe you should be angry too. Yeah, maybe I *should* get angry.
Wait. Why *aren’t* you angry? You’re the one with apologies running an infinite loop in your head. For WHAT? WHAT DID YOU DO THAT YOU FEEL THE NEED TO APOLOGIZE OVER? In reality, you did nothing but ask for answers he didn’t want to give.
Flip that around. What did HE do that HE should be apologizing over? A *hell* of a lot."
And I wrote down seven things he had "issues" with about me...followed by seven things I had "issues" with him over. His "issues" were very petty and mostly the inventions of his own mind--because I told him many times "NO, that is NOT what I mean...THIS is what I mean, D..." My "issues" were based on him not communicating, or not communicating HONESTLY, treating me with no respect or concern, or him changing the rules we agreed to before--without telling me that he changed them. It dawned on me that *I* am the one who should have been angry--not him, and I decided that I was not going to lower myself any further. End of story. I'm done with him, and he has to live with the consequences of all the decisions he has made in his life...his time with me was brief and inconsequential...and I am moving on to better opportunities that make sense for ME and MY future. You will hear nothing more from me on the subject unless he reaches out to me for coffee if I happen to find myself in Atlanta.
As for what I'm doing...I'm no longer dwelling on what happened or what "could have been". I'm being happy with me. I'm hopefully going to get involved with the Chi-town Squares--which will also give me future opportunities to mix with many of you in social settings--and I've found a charity that organizes nature hikes for PWA's, something I can use my education and my love of nature for good purpose, I hope. I've revised my on-line profiles with the help of some of you (thank you, barbarian_rat!) to better reflect who I am and what I'm looking for--even toned down the photos a lot, with more updates when I get more photos of myself that are emphatically work-safe. And I'm focusing on being myself, loving myself as I am, and enjoying what I'm doing in my life. It helps that someone with a sixth-sense, who nailed the personality and thinking of the most recent former-special-person with nothing more than my asking "Tell me what you're sensing about a particular man who has been on my mind"...tells me that by no later than August or September, at a small party or gathering, I will be finally meeting the guy who will want to be with me as much as I want to be with him. My goal is to make that into reality...just as I am.
Happy Thanksgiving to all those who celebrate it...and Happy Thursday to those who don't.
*BEARHUGS*
We wound up cancelling the family Thanksgiving at my parents' home in Michigan this year. They are still dealing with Dad's other knee replacement...my sister and her family are having a tight time with finances...therefore gas money for travel...and I've been having my own set of issues...the cancellation was late enough that other plans locally couldn't be made, but I'm doing my own dinner, just me. I'm actually quite good at doing things by myself, and I'm perfectly OK with being alone. I've had lots of practice...LOL
November is really a bad month. My maternal grandmother was buried nine years ago tomorrow. The very friendly bootglove just passed. A close friend's brother was buried a few days ago, and the mother of a new LJ friend around two weeks ago (I don't seem to be quite so interesting to him now...maybe because he realized that I'm not interested IN THAT WAY in guys who are already involved...much less already involved in a *triad*...not much room for me there, really). Friends and family are struggling to get by. Other guys here have had relationships end, and the only one I've had that I felt good about succeeding went up on the rocks in a big messy splatter.
I've lost a lot of sleep agonizing over what happened, and about what, if anything, to do about that situation. So many of you have been kind to me, sharing (privately) your own experiences with him, telling me that I dodged a bullet or that I really DIDN'T do anything wrong...you've helped me immensely. My turning point was a few days ago, after processing everything I've learned about him and laying awake in bed all night. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I cranked up the laptop to write this to myself:
"Oh dear god. Sitting bolt upright in bed, thunderstruck, at 4 am.
He was so angry at you, Dean.
Maybe you should be angry too. Yeah, maybe I *should* get angry.
Wait. Why *aren’t* you angry? You’re the one with apologies running an infinite loop in your head. For WHAT? WHAT DID YOU DO THAT YOU FEEL THE NEED TO APOLOGIZE OVER? In reality, you did nothing but ask for answers he didn’t want to give.
Flip that around. What did HE do that HE should be apologizing over? A *hell* of a lot."
And I wrote down seven things he had "issues" with about me...followed by seven things I had "issues" with him over. His "issues" were very petty and mostly the inventions of his own mind--because I told him many times "NO, that is NOT what I mean...THIS is what I mean, D..." My "issues" were based on him not communicating, or not communicating HONESTLY, treating me with no respect or concern, or him changing the rules we agreed to before--without telling me that he changed them. It dawned on me that *I* am the one who should have been angry--not him, and I decided that I was not going to lower myself any further. End of story. I'm done with him, and he has to live with the consequences of all the decisions he has made in his life...his time with me was brief and inconsequential...and I am moving on to better opportunities that make sense for ME and MY future. You will hear nothing more from me on the subject unless he reaches out to me for coffee if I happen to find myself in Atlanta.
As for what I'm doing...I'm no longer dwelling on what happened or what "could have been". I'm being happy with me. I'm hopefully going to get involved with the Chi-town Squares--which will also give me future opportunities to mix with many of you in social settings--and I've found a charity that organizes nature hikes for PWA's, something I can use my education and my love of nature for good purpose, I hope. I've revised my on-line profiles with the help of some of you (thank you, barbarian_rat!) to better reflect who I am and what I'm looking for--even toned down the photos a lot, with more updates when I get more photos of myself that are emphatically work-safe. And I'm focusing on being myself, loving myself as I am, and enjoying what I'm doing in my life. It helps that someone with a sixth-sense, who nailed the personality and thinking of the most recent former-special-person with nothing more than my asking "Tell me what you're sensing about a particular man who has been on my mind"...tells me that by no later than August or September, at a small party or gathering, I will be finally meeting the guy who will want to be with me as much as I want to be with him. My goal is to make that into reality...just as I am.
Happy Thanksgiving to all those who celebrate it...and Happy Thursday to those who don't.
*BEARHUGS*