(no subject)
stay up too late and i'm too thin
we promise each other it's til the end
now we're spinning empty bottles; it's the five of us
with pretty-eyed boys girls die to trust
i can't resist the day
no, i can't resist the day
so...i think i owe a post. or five. :P anyway...the trip to miami to see his holiness was AWESOME! we left on saturday...me, paul, judy (paul's wife), heather, carol, her son drew, and his friend tyler. i rode most of the way with carol and the boys...that was fun. it was like a 9 hr drive...i got most of my schoolwork done on the way down. we stayed on south beach in the chesterfield hotel, which was basically a bar...all the hotels around there are, apparently. there were so many shops and stuff...most of them like versace, where i could afford all of...one thread of a sock or something ;) saturday night we went "gay bar hopping," but we didn't find any gay bars, which made us sad. so we just walked a bunch. it was lots of fun. i wanted to drink...heather and carol kept drinking beer in front of me and stuff, it was torture. paul did the overprotective dad thing though. it was okay. i got through it.
sunday was the first talk...his holiness is just...ADORABLE. that is the only word to describe it. my dad thought it was funny as hell when i said adorable...but he is. he has this exuberant personality but he seems so childlike and innocent and...just...cute. adorable. :) he has this demeanor that just puts you at ease...even when you're as neurotic as i am and you've just fought your way through 13,000 people to your seat. he came in and bowed to everyone and stuff and then sat down for a few seconds...they had a chair on the stage because it was a public talk, so no throne on sunday...then he leans down and takes off his shoes and just curls up in the chair and starts talking. he has the most beautiful voice...such a beautiful accent when he talks in english. he did the whole sunday talk in english.
and he has the best sense of humor. on monday and tuesday, when he gave teachings, he did it in tibetan and stuff...there was a throne...probably not more than a few thousand people those days. but anyway, on tuesday, right before the last session of teachings, these monks are begging him to let them do a mandala offering. all the ordained sangha sat onstage at the foot of the throne. finally, he's like...you've been begging me for two days so i'll let you do it. he didn't want the attention but they really wanted to do the offering. so people are running all over the stage trying to get the stuff together and passing the items up to his holiness and he's touching them to his forehead to bless them and then passing them back. meanwhile, the three monks are standing in the middle of the stage chanting. his holiness has two of them come up to the throne, and the third one is left by himself, so of course he does what we would all do...his voice gets all small and quavery. and his holiness starts making fun of the guy...he's like, "what style chanting is that, bhutanese?" then, when the monk comes up to the throne, since it's higher up than most thrones his holiness can't touch foreheads with him to bless him. so he just smacks him across the head hard enough for the whole room to hear. and the guy's just BEAMING like it's the best thing that's ever happened to him. compassionate love tap ;) it was SO funny.
guess what! i sat like four yards away from richard gere during the tuesday teachings in the afternoon. it was crazy! i was like omfg...that's richard gere. and paul's like...psst, the dalai lama's in the room too. but seriously...i really wanted to be all groupie-ish and get his autograph or something but he disappeared right after the teachings. the teachings were so good...they were in tibetan, with a translator, and the translator did really well, i think. i wanted to hear his holiness talk more in english, just because i loved listening to him, but the teachings were really good. they were on padmasambhava's "the garland of views," the only text he wrote during his lifetime. i think it was translated specifically for the teaching...it's a pretty intense tantric text. a lot of it went over my head, but i think i got a basic grasp...i think we are going to try to work with it more as a sangha to get a better understanding. on the ride home, we talked a lot about it and other things, and it started making more sense. it's one of those things i'm just going to have to play with in my head for awhile.
but overall the trip was amazing. they had a lot of "holy hardware" for sale...i got a beautiful malachite mala and a couple of t-shirts...one says "free tibet" and the other says "the true meaning of life" on the front and it has a quote by his holiness on the back. i also got one of the traditional tibetan shirts of the cotton/linen-ish variety...not the silk ones...so comfy and warm. it'll be even more comfy and warm in winter. well, what little winter florida has.
cause when she dances, she goes and goes
beer through the nose on an inside joke
and i'm so excited, i haven't spoken
and she's so pretty and she's so sure
school was hellacious when i got back. i've had like...7 tests and quizzes in the past two days, between current tests and making stuff up, plus homework and notes and all of that. i missed a lot of important stuff...but it was worth missing three weeks of school to get to see his holiness, even though three days put me so far behind. i think i've finally gotten everything made up...i stayed after class today to talk to the intern who has mostly taken over teaching our chem class...he's trying to get his degree to teach physics. he's a really good teacher...for once, i am enjoying science, which is odd. i am also doing well in it, another odd fact. i stayed late to make up the test from wednesday and afterwards we ended up talking about quantum theory and chaos theory. they really interest me...unlike most science stuff. they tie in a lot with buddhist studies...in fact, sogyal rinpoche makes some references to them in "the tibetan book of living and dying," which i still need to finish. right now i'm reading "ama adhe" by adhe tapontsang...paul recommended it, it's about her experiences in chinese labor camps. it's really, really good...very sad and intense though. it's somewhat emotionally draining. but worth it. so anyway...the talk with the intern kind of cheered me up a bit...he's really nice. i'm liking that class. then i talked to this guy from spanish class for awhile while i waited for my mom to come...that was cool.
it's alright...and it's nice not to be so alone...
but i hold onto your secrets in white houses
maybe i'm a little bit over my head
i come undone at the things he said
will went to visit dawn. :) i'm happy for him...he's taking a vacation. hopefully he'll get down here. i was being neurotic for awhile...i just miss him, and i'm selfish, but i'm getting over that. i'm still a basket case. i'm just a...not-quite-so-neurotic, a-little-more-functional basket case. because i need to be...because he needs to not worry about me, and because i am happy for him. and, besides, it's so worth it, especially if he can come to florida, even though that's not a sure possibility. but a girl can hope, can't she?
you know, i am not really jealous of him for being able to take the trip. i'm glad he can. i've always wanted to travel, though, and this brought to my attention (along with a few other things) just how much i wish i could run away. because...for my whole life, my aspiration has been to get the hell out of tallahassee as soon as possible. now, i have things here...the sangha, mainly. i haven't even been with lotus lake for long but i can't imagine what it's going to be like after college, especially if i move...even if i do move into a monastery or something, it'll still be strange to not have them there. i think i have always wished i could run away because i think if i run far enough maybe i can get away from myself. occasionally, like while i was in miami...or sometimes when i'm taking the city bus to counseling or piano or something, and i'm alone, and it just seems like there's all this time and i feel almost anonymous in the city...sometimes i feel like walking...or just going...and not stopping. i want to be somewhere where no one knows who i am, where i can just be someone else...be who i want to be, not be this girl i have come to hate.
it's alright...and i put myself in his hands...
but i hold onto your secrets in white houses
love...or something ignites in my veins...
and i pray it never fades in white houses
becky and dad started emailing back and forth...while i was gone...or rather, i should say, they exchanged emails twice. i can't believe how that went. well, i can...i probably should have been able to predict it. it's just...i don't know. he's changed, somewhat, in that he seems to care more - about me, about things in general, about her. but he's still the same when it comes to seeing what he wants to see, believing what he wants to believe, hearing what he wants to hear, remembering things the way that suits him. he doesn't even remember chris's mental abuse or any of that. i had half a mind to bring it up to him, but part of me just doesn't want to rock the boat. i'm not bitter; i've forgiven him and her. i'm over that. it just...bothers me a lot that he apparently pretends it never happened. that he thinks it never happened. because i know i did not make up like 5 years of my life in my head. i know what happened. and i know i'm not lying. it just bothers me that we never talk about it; it's never been acknowledged. i don't even want an apology. part of me would like to know why...how he could just sit by and let her do that to his own child...but...i don't know. i have a better relationship with him, and with her, now...i don't want to lose that. i think they've both changed a lot. and i love my half-sisters just as much as i love becky. i don't want to lose them, but at the same time...i just...sometimes wish things were more out in the open.
on a cloudy day...it's more common than you think
he's...my...first...mistake
maybe you were all faster than me
we gave up on each other so easily
these silly little wounds will never mend
i feel so far from where i've been
so i go...and i will not be back here again...
i'm gone as the day is fading in white houses
i lie...put my injuries all in the dust...
in my heart is the five of us in white houses
and you...maybe you'll remember me...
what i gave is yours to keep in white houses
in white houses, in white houses
we promise each other it's til the end
now we're spinning empty bottles; it's the five of us
with pretty-eyed boys girls die to trust
i can't resist the day
no, i can't resist the day
so...i think i owe a post. or five. :P anyway...the trip to miami to see his holiness was AWESOME! we left on saturday...me, paul, judy (paul's wife), heather, carol, her son drew, and his friend tyler. i rode most of the way with carol and the boys...that was fun. it was like a 9 hr drive...i got most of my schoolwork done on the way down. we stayed on south beach in the chesterfield hotel, which was basically a bar...all the hotels around there are, apparently. there were so many shops and stuff...most of them like versace, where i could afford all of...one thread of a sock or something ;) saturday night we went "gay bar hopping," but we didn't find any gay bars, which made us sad. so we just walked a bunch. it was lots of fun. i wanted to drink...heather and carol kept drinking beer in front of me and stuff, it was torture. paul did the overprotective dad thing though. it was okay. i got through it.
sunday was the first talk...his holiness is just...ADORABLE. that is the only word to describe it. my dad thought it was funny as hell when i said adorable...but he is. he has this exuberant personality but he seems so childlike and innocent and...just...cute. adorable. :) he has this demeanor that just puts you at ease...even when you're as neurotic as i am and you've just fought your way through 13,000 people to your seat. he came in and bowed to everyone and stuff and then sat down for a few seconds...they had a chair on the stage because it was a public talk, so no throne on sunday...then he leans down and takes off his shoes and just curls up in the chair and starts talking. he has the most beautiful voice...such a beautiful accent when he talks in english. he did the whole sunday talk in english.
and he has the best sense of humor. on monday and tuesday, when he gave teachings, he did it in tibetan and stuff...there was a throne...probably not more than a few thousand people those days. but anyway, on tuesday, right before the last session of teachings, these monks are begging him to let them do a mandala offering. all the ordained sangha sat onstage at the foot of the throne. finally, he's like...you've been begging me for two days so i'll let you do it. he didn't want the attention but they really wanted to do the offering. so people are running all over the stage trying to get the stuff together and passing the items up to his holiness and he's touching them to his forehead to bless them and then passing them back. meanwhile, the three monks are standing in the middle of the stage chanting. his holiness has two of them come up to the throne, and the third one is left by himself, so of course he does what we would all do...his voice gets all small and quavery. and his holiness starts making fun of the guy...he's like, "what style chanting is that, bhutanese?" then, when the monk comes up to the throne, since it's higher up than most thrones his holiness can't touch foreheads with him to bless him. so he just smacks him across the head hard enough for the whole room to hear. and the guy's just BEAMING like it's the best thing that's ever happened to him. compassionate love tap ;) it was SO funny.
guess what! i sat like four yards away from richard gere during the tuesday teachings in the afternoon. it was crazy! i was like omfg...that's richard gere. and paul's like...psst, the dalai lama's in the room too. but seriously...i really wanted to be all groupie-ish and get his autograph or something but he disappeared right after the teachings. the teachings were so good...they were in tibetan, with a translator, and the translator did really well, i think. i wanted to hear his holiness talk more in english, just because i loved listening to him, but the teachings were really good. they were on padmasambhava's "the garland of views," the only text he wrote during his lifetime. i think it was translated specifically for the teaching...it's a pretty intense tantric text. a lot of it went over my head, but i think i got a basic grasp...i think we are going to try to work with it more as a sangha to get a better understanding. on the ride home, we talked a lot about it and other things, and it started making more sense. it's one of those things i'm just going to have to play with in my head for awhile.
but overall the trip was amazing. they had a lot of "holy hardware" for sale...i got a beautiful malachite mala and a couple of t-shirts...one says "free tibet" and the other says "the true meaning of life" on the front and it has a quote by his holiness on the back. i also got one of the traditional tibetan shirts of the cotton/linen-ish variety...not the silk ones...so comfy and warm. it'll be even more comfy and warm in winter. well, what little winter florida has.
cause when she dances, she goes and goes
beer through the nose on an inside joke
and i'm so excited, i haven't spoken
and she's so pretty and she's so sure
school was hellacious when i got back. i've had like...7 tests and quizzes in the past two days, between current tests and making stuff up, plus homework and notes and all of that. i missed a lot of important stuff...but it was worth missing three weeks of school to get to see his holiness, even though three days put me so far behind. i think i've finally gotten everything made up...i stayed after class today to talk to the intern who has mostly taken over teaching our chem class...he's trying to get his degree to teach physics. he's a really good teacher...for once, i am enjoying science, which is odd. i am also doing well in it, another odd fact. i stayed late to make up the test from wednesday and afterwards we ended up talking about quantum theory and chaos theory. they really interest me...unlike most science stuff. they tie in a lot with buddhist studies...in fact, sogyal rinpoche makes some references to them in "the tibetan book of living and dying," which i still need to finish. right now i'm reading "ama adhe" by adhe tapontsang...paul recommended it, it's about her experiences in chinese labor camps. it's really, really good...very sad and intense though. it's somewhat emotionally draining. but worth it. so anyway...the talk with the intern kind of cheered me up a bit...he's really nice. i'm liking that class. then i talked to this guy from spanish class for awhile while i waited for my mom to come...that was cool.
it's alright...and it's nice not to be so alone...
but i hold onto your secrets in white houses
maybe i'm a little bit over my head
i come undone at the things he said
will went to visit dawn. :) i'm happy for him...he's taking a vacation. hopefully he'll get down here. i was being neurotic for awhile...i just miss him, and i'm selfish, but i'm getting over that. i'm still a basket case. i'm just a...not-quite-so-neurotic, a-little-more-functional basket case. because i need to be...because he needs to not worry about me, and because i am happy for him. and, besides, it's so worth it, especially if he can come to florida, even though that's not a sure possibility. but a girl can hope, can't she?
you know, i am not really jealous of him for being able to take the trip. i'm glad he can. i've always wanted to travel, though, and this brought to my attention (along with a few other things) just how much i wish i could run away. because...for my whole life, my aspiration has been to get the hell out of tallahassee as soon as possible. now, i have things here...the sangha, mainly. i haven't even been with lotus lake for long but i can't imagine what it's going to be like after college, especially if i move...even if i do move into a monastery or something, it'll still be strange to not have them there. i think i have always wished i could run away because i think if i run far enough maybe i can get away from myself. occasionally, like while i was in miami...or sometimes when i'm taking the city bus to counseling or piano or something, and i'm alone, and it just seems like there's all this time and i feel almost anonymous in the city...sometimes i feel like walking...or just going...and not stopping. i want to be somewhere where no one knows who i am, where i can just be someone else...be who i want to be, not be this girl i have come to hate.
it's alright...and i put myself in his hands...
but i hold onto your secrets in white houses
love...or something ignites in my veins...
and i pray it never fades in white houses
becky and dad started emailing back and forth...while i was gone...or rather, i should say, they exchanged emails twice. i can't believe how that went. well, i can...i probably should have been able to predict it. it's just...i don't know. he's changed, somewhat, in that he seems to care more - about me, about things in general, about her. but he's still the same when it comes to seeing what he wants to see, believing what he wants to believe, hearing what he wants to hear, remembering things the way that suits him. he doesn't even remember chris's mental abuse or any of that. i had half a mind to bring it up to him, but part of me just doesn't want to rock the boat. i'm not bitter; i've forgiven him and her. i'm over that. it just...bothers me a lot that he apparently pretends it never happened. that he thinks it never happened. because i know i did not make up like 5 years of my life in my head. i know what happened. and i know i'm not lying. it just bothers me that we never talk about it; it's never been acknowledged. i don't even want an apology. part of me would like to know why...how he could just sit by and let her do that to his own child...but...i don't know. i have a better relationship with him, and with her, now...i don't want to lose that. i think they've both changed a lot. and i love my half-sisters just as much as i love becky. i don't want to lose them, but at the same time...i just...sometimes wish things were more out in the open.
on a cloudy day...it's more common than you think
he's...my...first...mistake
maybe you were all faster than me
we gave up on each other so easily
these silly little wounds will never mend
i feel so far from where i've been
so i go...and i will not be back here again...
i'm gone as the day is fading in white houses
i lie...put my injuries all in the dust...
in my heart is the five of us in white houses
and you...maybe you'll remember me...
what i gave is yours to keep in white houses
in white houses, in white houses