strumming my pain with his fingers
stolen from eusebio
[Name ]: meghan rose hils
[ Nicks ]: meg, rosa, rosebud, lovely m. rose, salome, sageria, sage, soirelle, nutmeg, meggy weggy, rainbow minion no. 1
[ Born in ]: tallahassee, fl, usa
[ Resides in ]: tallahassee, fl, usa
[ Good student? ]: supposedly
[ Eyes ]: Blue
[ Hair ]: dark blonde/light brown dyed red
[ Shoe size ]: 9/10, depending
Last time you..
[ Had a nightmare ]: last week
[ Said "I love you" and meant it]: today
[ Ate at McDonald's ]: umm...a few weeks ago? a month ago? maybe longer.
[ Dyed your hair ]: february
[ Brushed your hair ]: this morning
[ Washed your hair ]: last night
[ Cried ]: today
[Called someone ]: today
[Smiled]: today
[Laughed ]: today
[ Talked to an ex ]: today
do you...
[ Smoke? ]: no
[ Do drugs? ]: not since april (stackers) and as far as everything else, not for almost two years
[ Have sex? ]: not currently, not recently, and i don't see it happening anytime soon either
[ Sleep with stuffed animals? ]: sometimes
[ Have a dream that keeps coming back?]: yes
[ Play an instrument? ]: piano
[ Believe there is life on other planets? ]: sure
[ Remember your first love? ]: yes
[ Still love him/her? ]: yes, though not in the same way
[ Read the newspaper? ]: rarely
[ Have any straight friends? ]: yes
[ Consider love a mistake? ]: when i'm feeling cynical (which is most of the time)
[ Like the taste of alcohol? ]: tequila and zinfandel, yes; most other things, no
[ Believe in God? ]: i believe all religions are valid. i'm buddhist.
[ Pray? ]: constantly
[ Go to church? ]: no. i do go to the dharma center a few times a week though.
[ Have any secrets? ]: yes
[ Have any pets ]: evil psychotic killer lovebird named serenity
[ Have any piercings? ]: my ears, but i never wear earrings
[ Have any tattoos? ]: no
[ Have an obsession? ]: many
[ Have a secret crush? ]: no
[ Collect anything? ]: scars, memories, i used to collect beanie babies and foreign coins
[ Have a best friend? ]: yes
[ Have a boy/girlfriend? ]: yes, in a casual relationship at the mo
[ Like your handwriting? ]: not particularly
[ Have any bad habits? ]: lots
[ Care about looks? ]: mine yes; others', no
[ Believe in witches? ]: yes
[ Believe in Satan? ]: after a fashion
[ Believe in ghosts? ]: yes
Current:
[ Dress ]: long-sleeved black button-up shirt, cotton black and red jazz pants, glasses, onyx/diamond ring, "dance as if no one is watching" sterling silver bangle bracelet, plastic choker, silver watch, friendship bracelet from lisa, friendship bracelet from meghann
[ Mood ]: tired, cynical
[ Make-up ]: nope
[ Music ]: the fugees - killing me softly, thousand foot krutch - i climb
[ Taste ]: cookies and diet coke...was eating cookies earlier, am drinking diet coke now
[ Hair ]: in a ponytail. desperately needing a brush.
[ Annoyance ]: loneliness
[ Smell ]: rain
[ Thought ]: ...
[ Book ]: "the tibetan book of living and dying," sogyal rinpoche
[ Fingernail Color ]: unpainted
[ Refreshment ]: diet coke
[ Worry ]: spanish class
[ Favorite Celebrity ]: alan rickman
Last Person:
[ You Touched ]: becky
[ You Talked to ]: will
[ You Hugged ]: becky
[ You Instant messaged ]: will
[ You Yelled At ]: bill
[ You Had A Crush On ]: shh
[ Who broke Your Heart ]: shh
Who do you want to:
[ Kill ]: myself, occasionally. other people, not usually.
[ Slap ]: ignorant motherfuckers
[Tickle ]: linsey
[ Talk To ]: will
[ Have Sex with ]: now that'd be telling
[ Kiss ]: that'd probably be telling, too
[ Be Like ]: i want to look like a much thinner version of amy lee. i want to be able to play the piano like vanessa carlton. i want to be able to dance like allegra kent.
Miscellaneous:
[ Sexuality? ]: bisexual
[ Favorite Quote? ]: "you must be the change you wish to see in the world," gandhi
[ Your sexiest feature? ]: tits?
[ Largest age difference between you and a significant other? ]: 7 years
[ Coolest gift you've ever received ]: poems, laminated, written for me, that i can hang up on my wall, from will
[ Coolest gift you've given ]: *ponder* cds of my favorite music to will, who doesn't really listen to music but wants to listen to mine?
[ What's sitting on your computer monitor? ]: nothing is sitting on my comp monitor, i have a laptop. my wallpaper at the mo is one that heather (paper_heart) made
[ About how many books do you own? ]: a bunch
[ About how many of those have you read? ]: almost all
[ Do you own a calendar or date book? ]: yes. my school agenda book. i use it all the time because i have lots of stuff going on
[ When you're jotting down notes, do you print or write?] ...print? write? umm...i write in print, generally, because i'm a perfectionist when i'm writing in cursive.
[ When you doodle, what do you draw? ]: flowers, pointe shoes
to-do list:
write and memorize speech for spanish
memorize dialogue for spanish
write post for soirelle for channeling lesson
write posts for soirelle for mystery lesson party
write some posts for sageria for mrp with will
write last lesson post for salome on salidar (runboard)
quit telling people what they want to hear (and grow a fucking spine while i'm at it)
quit depending on other people, extension of the above
so...it's been an interesting weekend. we sat on frances for days til she finally hit today, at least, i think she's gone now...not much really happened. a little bit of flooding, a lot of wind, no school tomorrow (yay...more time to work on spanish stuff i've been procrastinating on). i led discussion and practice at the dharma center yesterday; in addition to thinking i failed miserably at leading discussion, i'm afraid i said far too much, but it's done with now. i had counseling tomorrow, but because of lack of school and the hurricane, i cancelled...besides, i think the community college (where i go for counseling) is closed tomorrow too. i'm kind of glad i did, that i don't have to go, because it's getting repetitive. last week, i told her i'd started restricting again, she told me to stop, i haven't, she's going to tell me again that i need to stop, and i'm not going to, and the cycle goes on. it gets old after awhile. (well, i have been restricting, and i am planning to go back to restricting, despite the mini-binge today became.) you know, i have this extreme desire lately to distance myself from loved ones.
i feel extremely uncreative, which is a problem. i am extremely tired of staring at a blank screen and not being able to write.
by the way, i have a new email: angelofpeace@gmail.com
strumming my pain with his fingers
singing my life with his words
killing me softly with his song
killing me softly with his song
telling my whole life with his words
killing me softly with his song
i heard he sang a good song, i heard he had a style
and so i came to see him, to listen for awhile
and there he was, this young boy, a stranger to my eyes
strumming my pain with his fingers
singing my life in his words
killing me softly with his song
killing me softly with his song
telling my whole life with his words
killing me softly with his song
i felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd
i felt he'd found my letters and read each one out loud
i prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on
strumming my pain with his fingers
singing my life with his words
killing me softly with his song
killing me softly with his song
telling my whole life with his words
killing me softly with his song
he sang as if he knew me in all my dark despair
and then he looked right through me as if i wasn't there
but he was there, this stranger singing clear and loud...
but i feel like i need to talk about it.
for some reason, for the past couple weeks, i've had this massive urge to si. most know i haven't really done much si-ing in a few months, except for a slip in early august. last night i did some, but for lack of sharp things and no desire to burn, i didn't do much damage. ugh. it's been so long since i've had an urge this bad. i swear, if i could, i'd buy a razor blade...i have this huge desire to see blood, to cut into my skin. i also, for the first time in...like...ever, have a prevalent desire to cut my hips, for some reason. i'd like to turn them into a maze of angry red cuts. i know the feeling of material against my skin there would be a constant reminder.
and i'm insane.