(no subject)
I've been dizzy all day and I'm not sure why. Like the kind of dizzy you feel after you get off that spinning tire thing at the playground after someone has spun you like 500 times. And then you want to puke. Only I've been feeling like this for a little over 24 hours. I'm feeling it right now as I try to write this.
Could be low or high blood pressure. Or stress. Or some kind of sickness. Not really sure. Kinda worried. Probably will be at the hospital as a patient as opposed to an intern.
Might be stress from all of the negative sources. I have a few positive sources I think, but there are either far more negative sources or at least my brain thinks that there are. I think some people believe that I want to hate the majority of things in my life, but I really don't. It just seems like most of the people in my life are complete sociopaths. And I want to break their facial bones with my elbow, but I'm too passive aggressive to push myself to real conflict and violence toward the people in my life anymore.
I really think this is just my body finally giving out from all of the white, hot hate I have for my environment. Prolonged panic attack or stress or something. I'm playing armchair psychiatrist with myself because all of the extra strength Tylenol in the world isn't really doing me much good.
I have a lot of people and things in my life that I care about and love, but on the other side of the scale there's a lifetime of anger and hate for a greatly larger amount of people and things. I want to saw that the minority of good can outweigh the negative people I've been forced to experience, but perhaps this is my body telling me otherwise. Maybe this is it's way of telling me that I need to get rid of the bad, like removing a tumor or something. But really, half of the things that bother me are memories and I can't really get rid of those very easily.
I wish I knew if it was a flaw in my personality that drives people to act the way they do towards me or if I just happen to attract the kind of people who are sociopaths.
I don't know.
I'd really do anything to stop making room spin and venting my concerns via a keyboard doesn't seem to be doing it.
Could be low or high blood pressure. Or stress. Or some kind of sickness. Not really sure. Kinda worried. Probably will be at the hospital as a patient as opposed to an intern.
Might be stress from all of the negative sources. I have a few positive sources I think, but there are either far more negative sources or at least my brain thinks that there are. I think some people believe that I want to hate the majority of things in my life, but I really don't. It just seems like most of the people in my life are complete sociopaths. And I want to break their facial bones with my elbow, but I'm too passive aggressive to push myself to real conflict and violence toward the people in my life anymore.
I really think this is just my body finally giving out from all of the white, hot hate I have for my environment. Prolonged panic attack or stress or something. I'm playing armchair psychiatrist with myself because all of the extra strength Tylenol in the world isn't really doing me much good.
I have a lot of people and things in my life that I care about and love, but on the other side of the scale there's a lifetime of anger and hate for a greatly larger amount of people and things. I want to saw that the minority of good can outweigh the negative people I've been forced to experience, but perhaps this is my body telling me otherwise. Maybe this is it's way of telling me that I need to get rid of the bad, like removing a tumor or something. But really, half of the things that bother me are memories and I can't really get rid of those very easily.
I wish I knew if it was a flaw in my personality that drives people to act the way they do towards me or if I just happen to attract the kind of people who are sociopaths.
I don't know.
I'd really do anything to stop making room spin and venting my concerns via a keyboard doesn't seem to be doing it.