Social Awakening
So, I've spent the past few evenings dancing at the various clubs that host goth/industrial nights. I do this frequently; I bring any friends I can convince to join me, I put on the most interesting outfit I can muster, I cover myself in makeup and hope, and I dance like there's no one watching. I am doing this for one primary reason, namely that I want to make new friends and construct a new social life out of the ashes of my old one. Not all, but many of my old friends have abandoned me for various reasons, some legitimate, others imagined. I spent five years with my head stuck in a digital hole in the ground, building a social life out of an online video game. Half a decade lost, that's a lot of social ground to cover in short order, and I'm starting over in dirt.
Often times, I leave these places with a measure of disappointment. Starting over is always a heavy lift, and this one is enormous. Most people rely on the people they were forced to interact with during their education as their social network. Making new friends as an adult is not easily done, I'm finding. And thus, I had resigned myself to the fact that the exercise was futile in this effect, and to simply take these outings at face value - a chance to move to a rhythm instead of sitting still all night.
Yet, the past few evenings, this appears to be changing. For the first time in... well, forever, I am being approached by people. I am being frequently complimented on my appearance and my social intellect. I'm actually thinking quickly on my feet socially for the first time ever, a marked change from the plague of perpetual awkwardness I've been afflicted with since learning to speak. I'm receiving not just looks of interest, but looks of desire, of want. And bigger than all of these; other people are finally beginning to break the ice with me instead of the opposite. This rarely if ever happens, but in the past few nights of social attempts, it seems all that's required of me is to be present and open to conversation. I've never truly been an object of attraction to those who are beautiful, but it's starting to happen.
I've become the guy that I've always looked up to, finally, after all these years. And I managed to do it without completely losing myself to him. I feel comfortable in his skin now, the stitches are removed and the wounds are beginning to heal. I'm struggling with the logical complex of survival within capitalism, but literally everything else has begun to fall beautifully into place. Even the usual void of loneliness has relented, allowing me to be confident and at peace with being single.
Finally, I am beginning to feel whole.
These wings are exquisite.
Often times, I leave these places with a measure of disappointment. Starting over is always a heavy lift, and this one is enormous. Most people rely on the people they were forced to interact with during their education as their social network. Making new friends as an adult is not easily done, I'm finding. And thus, I had resigned myself to the fact that the exercise was futile in this effect, and to simply take these outings at face value - a chance to move to a rhythm instead of sitting still all night.
Yet, the past few evenings, this appears to be changing. For the first time in... well, forever, I am being approached by people. I am being frequently complimented on my appearance and my social intellect. I'm actually thinking quickly on my feet socially for the first time ever, a marked change from the plague of perpetual awkwardness I've been afflicted with since learning to speak. I'm receiving not just looks of interest, but looks of desire, of want. And bigger than all of these; other people are finally beginning to break the ice with me instead of the opposite. This rarely if ever happens, but in the past few nights of social attempts, it seems all that's required of me is to be present and open to conversation. I've never truly been an object of attraction to those who are beautiful, but it's starting to happen.
I've become the guy that I've always looked up to, finally, after all these years. And I managed to do it without completely losing myself to him. I feel comfortable in his skin now, the stitches are removed and the wounds are beginning to heal. I'm struggling with the logical complex of survival within capitalism, but literally everything else has begun to fall beautifully into place. Even the usual void of loneliness has relented, allowing me to be confident and at peace with being single.
Finally, I am beginning to feel whole.
These wings are exquisite.