Introspection, or, Why Are Men So Effing Boggling?!
I'm in a period of tremendous self analysis. I think there comes a point in every person's life when, realizing that they aren't where they want to be, they ask themselves, "what is it about me that is preventing me from getting there?"
For me, it's absolutely the dating life that is my source of angst. When you have a string of relationships that end essentially the same way, you are an idiot if you don't recognize that the one common thread through the whole thing is YOU. So, acknowledging this, I've started to pick apart exactly what it is that's happening.
Here's the typical trajectory of my dating experiences (not everything even reached the point that it qualified for relationship status):
Almost immediate close connection.
Mutual interest
Exploration of one another's interests, lives, etc.
The guy completely silences, or, in rare cases, I get lucky and he outright tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore.
I can say that sometimes the issue is sex. I date a guy a bunch of times and when I make it clear I don't feel it's really at the point where I want to do the deed, I literally never get a call again. Unless it's Coffee Guy and he's thinking maybe I've finally reconsidered. ;-) Sometimes though, things feel like they are going great, but Mr. Maybe-Right just... vanishes. E-mails go unreturned, phone calls never come. And we just... obviously... aren't seeing one another anymore.
Frankly, I grope for reasons. I try so hard to understand why. I used to presume it was weight related, but in reflecting on that, if weight had really been an issue, I don't think that he would have started dating me in the first place, and there certainly would never have been sex pressure. So I am going to rule that out. Am I too high maintenance? This one is a huge possibility. I know that I'm a highly verbal person and I require frequent communication. If I've reached a point with someone that we could consider ourselves "together", frequent check-ins are a must for me. I start to feel insecure if days go by and I haven't even gotten an email that says, "hey! Things are busy but you're on my mind! I will call you soon!" So when that silence happens, I've been known to initiate contact.
"Hey," my notes start. "Is everything okay? You just seem kind of quiet lately." Sometimes they are more novel-length if I'm giving the latest news, etc, but the crux is, "why the distance?"
Unfortunately, the answers to my questions are rarely satisfying. They usually involve commitments to friends and family, or focus on a hobby, or what have you. I work full time and go to school full time; I know from busy. But I always manage to find the time to at the very least send a little note to let someone know I care. I don't know... Maybe my huge requirement for base-touching comes across as a need for constant contact or 100% focus on me. That's a possibility, and is absolutely not the message I'd want to be sending. I love the idea of someone I care about having their own rich, fulfilling life. To think that I'm the beginning and end of their world is scary -- dude, no one can live up to those expectations.
I've posed this question to friends, lately -- to a few people who I think will really give me a straight answer and not try to protect my feelings. I mean, hey, I can't fix what I don't know about, and obviously there is something I need to take responsibility for. Unfortunately, none of them seem to have any ideas. It's nice that they've said such kind things about me, but it's not getting me closer to an answer. Do I just pick poor matches for myself, people who just can't be the person I need? Am I setting unreasonable expectations for people I get serious about?
I can't answer any of these questions, and I don't expect any of you to answer them either. I'm sure one day I will wake up and realize a painful truth, but I think that will be really good for me. It's good to grow, to admit your flaws, and to recognize areas where you are just being really unreasonable. It's definitely true that two great people can be really incompatible, and that doesn't speak ill of either of them. I've managed to stay friends with a lot of the people I've dated -- you know, the people who were not subject to excoriation here in my blog. ;-) There are a lot more of those people than there are psychos who are blogworthy, believe it or not. When I think back over the nice people I've dated, I just really can't point the finger at any of them. Certainly, I wish they hadn't fallen off the face of the planet, and certainly I wish that they'd been as into me as I was into them. But even though I didn't get my wishes, the point is, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with them.
So... I'm really trying to figure out what's wrong with ME. Some have postulated that I'm intimidating. That's laughable to me because I am the last person anyone needs to fear, but their point has consistently been, "you come off as very light and carefree, and once someone gets to know you they see there is a lot more substance there. Maybe they are afraid that they got more than they bargained for."
I hope that theory is wrong.
Another theory is that maybe I choose people who don't put the same level of priority on relationships that I do. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances, that's true, and I don't always do a good job keeping in personal contact with each and every one. But I can say that in a romantic relationship, I make that person a priority. Maybe I'm choosing people for whom relationships are a nice accoutrement, but not really the focus of their lives. You know, that's okay, if that's the case. But if it IS the case, man, I've got to stop pickin' those folks.
Still another theory is that I expect men to be far more communicative than is really reasonable to expect from them. Part of me wants to agree with that, but I'm not demanding 4 hour phone conversations on a daily basis here. I just want to feel like a factor. Like I matter. Like they miss me when I'm gone. Like my company is enjoyed. Like I am attractive to THEM, despite any other opinion the rest of the world might have. This theory of expectations, it's the one I think about most because I think it's the one I have the most control over. If I'm just unreasonable, then I need to really re-examine my desires and expectations, or I will never be happy.
Anyway, I really just wanted to put this down mostly because it's been eating at me, and getting it into words helps make sense of it. The other thing is that the people who read my blog are almost exclusively women, and maybe you ladies have had similar experiences, or have some words of wisdom. I don't know. I just feel like a clueless moron who keeps messing up. It's like walking by a window every day, and every day being punched in the face by someone inside that window, yet continually walking by that window instead of picking a different route. I don't want to continually walk by the same window. I want to find the right route. I just think I put my map through the shredder or something.
For me, it's absolutely the dating life that is my source of angst. When you have a string of relationships that end essentially the same way, you are an idiot if you don't recognize that the one common thread through the whole thing is YOU. So, acknowledging this, I've started to pick apart exactly what it is that's happening.
Here's the typical trajectory of my dating experiences (not everything even reached the point that it qualified for relationship status):
Almost immediate close connection.
Mutual interest
Exploration of one another's interests, lives, etc.
The guy completely silences, or, in rare cases, I get lucky and he outright tells me he doesn't want to see me anymore.
I can say that sometimes the issue is sex. I date a guy a bunch of times and when I make it clear I don't feel it's really at the point where I want to do the deed, I literally never get a call again. Unless it's Coffee Guy and he's thinking maybe I've finally reconsidered. ;-) Sometimes though, things feel like they are going great, but Mr. Maybe-Right just... vanishes. E-mails go unreturned, phone calls never come. And we just... obviously... aren't seeing one another anymore.
Frankly, I grope for reasons. I try so hard to understand why. I used to presume it was weight related, but in reflecting on that, if weight had really been an issue, I don't think that he would have started dating me in the first place, and there certainly would never have been sex pressure. So I am going to rule that out. Am I too high maintenance? This one is a huge possibility. I know that I'm a highly verbal person and I require frequent communication. If I've reached a point with someone that we could consider ourselves "together", frequent check-ins are a must for me. I start to feel insecure if days go by and I haven't even gotten an email that says, "hey! Things are busy but you're on my mind! I will call you soon!" So when that silence happens, I've been known to initiate contact.
"Hey," my notes start. "Is everything okay? You just seem kind of quiet lately." Sometimes they are more novel-length if I'm giving the latest news, etc, but the crux is, "why the distance?"
Unfortunately, the answers to my questions are rarely satisfying. They usually involve commitments to friends and family, or focus on a hobby, or what have you. I work full time and go to school full time; I know from busy. But I always manage to find the time to at the very least send a little note to let someone know I care. I don't know... Maybe my huge requirement for base-touching comes across as a need for constant contact or 100% focus on me. That's a possibility, and is absolutely not the message I'd want to be sending. I love the idea of someone I care about having their own rich, fulfilling life. To think that I'm the beginning and end of their world is scary -- dude, no one can live up to those expectations.
I've posed this question to friends, lately -- to a few people who I think will really give me a straight answer and not try to protect my feelings. I mean, hey, I can't fix what I don't know about, and obviously there is something I need to take responsibility for. Unfortunately, none of them seem to have any ideas. It's nice that they've said such kind things about me, but it's not getting me closer to an answer. Do I just pick poor matches for myself, people who just can't be the person I need? Am I setting unreasonable expectations for people I get serious about?
I can't answer any of these questions, and I don't expect any of you to answer them either. I'm sure one day I will wake up and realize a painful truth, but I think that will be really good for me. It's good to grow, to admit your flaws, and to recognize areas where you are just being really unreasonable. It's definitely true that two great people can be really incompatible, and that doesn't speak ill of either of them. I've managed to stay friends with a lot of the people I've dated -- you know, the people who were not subject to excoriation here in my blog. ;-) There are a lot more of those people than there are psychos who are blogworthy, believe it or not. When I think back over the nice people I've dated, I just really can't point the finger at any of them. Certainly, I wish they hadn't fallen off the face of the planet, and certainly I wish that they'd been as into me as I was into them. But even though I didn't get my wishes, the point is, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with them.
So... I'm really trying to figure out what's wrong with ME. Some have postulated that I'm intimidating. That's laughable to me because I am the last person anyone needs to fear, but their point has consistently been, "you come off as very light and carefree, and once someone gets to know you they see there is a lot more substance there. Maybe they are afraid that they got more than they bargained for."
I hope that theory is wrong.
Another theory is that maybe I choose people who don't put the same level of priority on relationships that I do. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances, that's true, and I don't always do a good job keeping in personal contact with each and every one. But I can say that in a romantic relationship, I make that person a priority. Maybe I'm choosing people for whom relationships are a nice accoutrement, but not really the focus of their lives. You know, that's okay, if that's the case. But if it IS the case, man, I've got to stop pickin' those folks.
Still another theory is that I expect men to be far more communicative than is really reasonable to expect from them. Part of me wants to agree with that, but I'm not demanding 4 hour phone conversations on a daily basis here. I just want to feel like a factor. Like I matter. Like they miss me when I'm gone. Like my company is enjoyed. Like I am attractive to THEM, despite any other opinion the rest of the world might have. This theory of expectations, it's the one I think about most because I think it's the one I have the most control over. If I'm just unreasonable, then I need to really re-examine my desires and expectations, or I will never be happy.
Anyway, I really just wanted to put this down mostly because it's been eating at me, and getting it into words helps make sense of it. The other thing is that the people who read my blog are almost exclusively women, and maybe you ladies have had similar experiences, or have some words of wisdom. I don't know. I just feel like a clueless moron who keeps messing up. It's like walking by a window every day, and every day being punched in the face by someone inside that window, yet continually walking by that window instead of picking a different route. I don't want to continually walk by the same window. I want to find the right route. I just think I put my map through the shredder or something.