Dating Tips for Ladies
For some reason, I stay friends with the guys I date, even after they kick me to the curb. This morning I was reading the blog of one particular ex, and he posted this hilarious list of things women might say that should make you as a guy sit up and take notice that something MAY in fact be amiss. I just had to write my own version. His is funnier. Please read mine as tongue in cheek -- you can't apply one set of rules to dynamic REAL LIFE.
If you're a woman, beware of these -- almost all of these have been said to me:
"I want to go slowly". This means he fears commitment and is not mature enough for you, ladies. This ranks a bit ahead of him refusing to delineate what you are to him or what he is to you. If he won't say he's your boyfriend but he is or is wanting to bone you, he's not for you.
"You'll be hot one day." This means you aren't hot now, but he's hoping he will shag you enough that you lose weight.
"You're so perfect!" This means you bore him. The dumping is impending.
"You're so goal oriented and stuff." He's telling you that your clear goals and hard work intimidate him. He's commitment shy and doesn't want you to push him into marriage.
"I'd love to have you over, but it's uncomfortable with my parents around." I should not have to explain this one.
"It's been a while, you know?" He's a virgin, or very close. He will suck in bed. If he's sweet, this doesn't matter. It may, however, be a hint that he's not really very functional in the adult world. This has held true for me many times. Be careful, ladies.
"I don't think I've ever met a nicer person than you." This is another hint that you're boring. And that he clearly doesn't GET you. Obviously, nice people cannot have a dark, impish streak.
"It's not all about sex." It's totally all about sex.
"Jane McUnavailable is frigging beautiful. If she'd been single and come onto me, I would have done her without reservation. But you know, now I'm taken." He's settling for you. You were available and put out, she wasn't, but secretly he wishes you were her.
"Well, the prison shrinks said I was rehabilitated, so they let me out." Clearly, he's a bad boy and you definitely should pick him. Oh yeah. All the better if he has tattoos and an obsession with guns.
"You're so cute." He doesn't take you seriously and doesn't get that you could possibly have a deeper side. This is about as bad as "you're so serious" which means that you intimidate him. Either way, you're unpleasantly screwed.
"I'm between jobs." Self explanatory.
Last but not least, if he talks constantly about an ex, he is totally not over her and is not ready to be with you, even if all he says is how much better you are than she was. He's trying to convince himself of something. Convince him of the fact that you're dumping him before he can leave you to go back to his unhealthy miserable relationship with the woman he supposedly hates so much.
Finally, here are are some things you should be aware of:
If he doesn't ask you questions about yourself, he doesn't really give a crap about knowing you.
If he doesn't say he loves you, don't say it first. Make him come to you, or you will lose him. If you say it first, it generally terrifies him.
If you don't put out immediately, the vast majority of gentlemen will be on their way. This is sometimes a good way to cull the wheat from the chaff.
If he doesn't want time with the guys, you may become an obsession. That's a lot of pressure, girls! Can you handle it?
If he does want time with the guys but hardly calls you or contacts you, you are an option, not a priority. *tips hat to Megan for that bit of wisdom* Don't make HIM a priority, in that case. Otherwise, you will be crying in your Ben and Jerry's.
He talks about what's important to him. If all he talks about is LARPing, well, there you go. Men are simple, straightforward creatures.
If he didn't get his hair cut regularly before you were in his life, he's not going to do it afterward. You are NOT going to change a man.
If he lives at home, there is a reason. It's either ill luck or laziness. QUICKLY determine which it is.
If he has a crappy job, there is a reason. It's either ill luck or laziness. QUICKLY determine which it is.
If he makes you pay for your dates (I'm not talking about splitting the bills -- I'm talking paying it all), he's a cheap jerk and you need to ditch him.
If he ever asked you if you'd date him if he wasn't married/committed to someone else, he's an unethical cock. Don't go there.
If your friends all hate him, there is a reason. Find out why. Lots of times your family and friends can see things you can't. LISTEN to them -- presumably they love you, right?
If he doesn't make a clear move to satisfy YOU in bed, he probably doesn't actually care if you're satisfied or not. Either he doesn't care, or he's inept. In any case, move on.
Feel free to add your own!!