Ownership and Blame
This one isn't irreverent. Don't worry. I will return to irreverie (I make up words!) soon:
I feel like there has been a shift in our society that has moved us away from acceptance of responsibility. It's a strange thing for me to watch, the way people interact, and the way that neither party is willing to accept blame. It seems, from an outsider's perspective, that most conflict is everyone's fault, not just one person's.
As I consider this more and more, it seems to me that there are two things that are at the heart of failed relationships between two otherwise compatible folks. First is lack of good, strong, open communication. Second is a strong need in either or both parties to be right.
I had a friend with whom I cut ties last year. He was a great guy. Brilliant, funny, blah blah blah... but he absolutely could not say he was sorry for pretty much anything. And if he DID manage an apology, it was an, "I'm sorry, but " or one of those wicked Guilt Apologies. Oh, you know the kind. "I'm sorry, I just can't do anything right!" Those are meaningless apologies as well, because they are so melodramatic and hyperbolic that they completely dismiss any valid point the other person may have had. This old friend of mine... he just couldn't own up. So, I couldn't be friends with him. It can't be my job to support the frail ego of a shattered soul. He had some work to do, just like the rest of us, but just couldn't seem to see it.
It takes a lot of personal security to own up to one's mistakes. You have to be able to believe that while you've made an error, it's okay, and you can make things right. A mistake doesn't invalidate your worth. That's hard for a lot of people, I think, because there seems to be this pervasive lack of self-esteem. It seems like people think that if something goes wrong and they argue with someone else, pointing the finger at the other side, they themselves are somehow absolved of wrongdoing. That way, they haven't risked rejection, a blow to their self-esteem, or whatever it is that they are are protecting.
The irony in this practice is that by being unwilling to own up to things, we drive away the people who most care for us. So rather than protecting the relationship that meant so much, we're instead corroding it from the inside, and before we know it, it's collapsed. Wow. That seems like a pretty asinine thing to do. What the heck is wrong with us?!
Everyone has suffered. I have, you have, your neighbor has... we all have stories that would curl other people's hair. Our parents sucked, or kids picked on us, or someone we really loved left us even though we tried our hardest, or we got the crappy end of the stick at a job... that old REM song is right. Everybody hurts.
But what everyone does NOT have the right to do is to use that hurt as an excuse for their own failures. Believe me, I have not lived up to my potential. I've failed, I've made mistakes, I've had horrible lapses in judgment, I've second-guessed myself, I've treated people I loved pretty badly at times, but you know... none of those mistakes are anyone's fault but mine. They aren't the fault of people who hurt me when I was younger, they aren't the fault of a customer on the phone who was rotten to me, they aren't the fault of anyone else but me. And I have to realize that effort goes a heckuva long way to maintaining relationships that matter to me.
World, be gentler with yourself. Be kinder to the person that you are, and more understanding. As a very smart friend of mine recently said, that person has suffered a lot for you! You ought to treat him or her a bit more kindly! The flip side of that coin is... would you freakin' just own up? Take pride in where you are today. If you're in a good spot, be proud. YOU got you there. If you're not quite where you want to be, own that too. YOU got you there, and only YOU can get you out. Make the hard choices and get off your duff. Happiness is work. And love... well, as my friend Pete from college said, love isn't a fuzzy feeling; it's a commitment you make to serve another individual. And let me tell you, that commitment is work, every day, for the life of that love.