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[enriana]

I am terrified of my own fragility.

I feel dried up and crackly, like autumn leaves, like an autumn leaf that you can see right through, all its little leaf veins showing.

And I can feel my energy draining away, without anything to replenish it.

What if things never get better?

Comments

[harfang]

I know how it is to just keep bleeding, or oozing or whatever it is. You think you have nothing left in you, and the only way you find out you're wrong is that you keep losing more.

You have to find ways to protect yourself. From the few of your entries I have read -- and the fact that you don't friend-lock them, which shows both your power and your vulnerability -- I think I recognize a similarity between us. I don't want to get desensitized; I have never been able to "build a skin" as they say and it's not what I'm about. But you can learn to take care of yourself and keep your lifeblood without becoming numb.

The main way I have ended up doing it is by talking to myself. A lot. When I'm alone, this does include out loud. You know all that stuff that you understand intellectually about self-worth and confidence, but that is extremely difficult to make real, to feel in the face of this drainage? You have to talk your emotionally present self into it, get it through to yourself. It takes repetition. You will feel silly. But if you want to stay conscious, you have to do it. Otherwise you will come to the numbness via the drainage.

Good luck.