(no subject)

[enraptureme]

I haven't felt this way in months. I had a full out panic attack during church and had to run out during the first song. All the colors were too bright the clean crisp nature these people was jarring me. I literally ran out, down the steps and to, then past my car. Pacing the parking lot breathing through my nose until it felt like peppermint. Fingertips pressed to my mouth I am mumbling that familiar I am about to lose total control whimpering. I came back in and almost started crying, again. But i stuck it out.

I'm doubtful that this is where I belong. I feel unwanted by all the humans inside the building. I also spent time with Ryan last night who is also doubtful and made me wonder if what I was saying to him was right.

I don't know. Maybe it's just pms and too much caffeine again. I'm feeling anxious overweight and trapped indoors. My body softens. Everyday a little more panic over this creeps into my mind.
A girl at church tells me she's having a baby. I barely know her and I'm delighted. I tell her how much I love babies. She does too. Only I won't ever have one.

I have a headache from the kava.

I hurriedly make him a collage with the most mundane parts of a retro penthouse a square of my journal that his eyes lock on immediately, serious.

I leave. He doesn't even turn to say goodbye when I chase after his purple back.

My stomach is sick from poor choices in culinary decisions.