on stress, class and fear, continued
I'm lucky enough to have an incredible source of inspiration in my life. I live with someone who is driven, resourceful, and basically the perfect example of how to be an adult. He doesn't waste time feeling sorry for himself. He's a planner, and constantly working to make our lives better.
Despite the fact that by the very nature of my job I am essentially treated as a subhuman, lower class servent most of the time, Kevin never makes me feel like my work isn't valid. He only reminds me that it makes both of us unhappy, and pushes me to make changes. And it's been helping.
I've worked since last November as essentially a glorified intern for a small SEO company. The work is mostly boring and administrative, but I've been able to learn at least a little and the idea is that it may help me get other work. It was a huge confidence boost, and has helped more than I can say. Kevin was really proud of me. I was really proud of myself. This small, extremely part-time job is the only thing that has helped me hold on to even a shred of sanity. But it hasn't been enough.
And something has snapped. I just can't take it anymore. On February 6, I posted this status on Facebook:
"For many, 2012 will be a year of firsts and new experiences. While I hope for the same, it will more importantly be a year of lasts for me. Among other things, this will be the last year I work as a restaurant server. I don't care what it takes to achieve this goal. While this has been a resolution of mine since the start of the year, I'm posting this here now so everyone can help hold me accountable."
The year is nearly over, and I am no closer to my goal of leaving this thankless, soulless industry behind than I was 11 months ago.
For a while, I wasted a lot of time. I fell into old habits of laziness, I started spending a lot more time with my restaurant friends, and I started questioning whether my goals and even my relationship with Kevin was "right" for me. I was working a lot of hours. I was too stressed. I never did anything fun. Was this really the kind of boring life I wanted for myself? Eventually I realized I was making the same kind of excuses I made as a college super senior.
For the past couple of months, I have fanatically scoured the internet for every job posting I could find. I've spend hours, days and entire weeks crafting eloquent cover letters, researching companies and filling out time consuming, redundant online applications. Kevin has passed my resume to every friend he has at any even remotely relevant field. He even got me an interview with his company.
I've had no success.
I've sent out almost 30 resumes, had three phone interviews and two secondary in-person interviews. No one has offered me a job. I feel so demoralized. It's just absolutely crushing. I'm even applying to internships, and people still aren't calling me.
The last interview I had was December 19 with an eCommerce company recently acquired by MICROS. Anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant knows that name; they're most known for their retail division where they sell computer point of sales systems for restaurants and bars. It seemed like the perfect job for me. I felt like phone interview and in-person interviews went well, and I was incredibly hopeful about this job. But they have yet to contact me.
I know that a lot of people took off that week, and this one, for the holidays. They told me while I was there that their HR rep wasn't in that day and wouldn't be in for the rest of the week. A lot of people won't be back in the office until after New Years. Kev keeps telling me that over and over. But I still feel completely destroyed.
I have never been so completely filled with dread and fear. I have reached a point of desperation I never thought was possible. I sleep with my phone in my hand. While awake, I check my email every two minutes.
If I could just get a job, any job even remotely close to something loosely related to my college degree, it would change my life. It wouldn't just be a change of schedule, though that in itself would be too amazing to describe. It would get me out of the world of blue collar work, gain the respect of my family and ultimately, of myself. It would change my outlook on the world, give me an opportunity to learn real skills, and help me deepen my relationship with the most important person in my life. I keep telling myself, "if I can just get a job, my life will start."
Please, I'm ready for my adult life to finally start.
Despite the fact that by the very nature of my job I am essentially treated as a subhuman, lower class servent most of the time, Kevin never makes me feel like my work isn't valid. He only reminds me that it makes both of us unhappy, and pushes me to make changes. And it's been helping.
I've worked since last November as essentially a glorified intern for a small SEO company. The work is mostly boring and administrative, but I've been able to learn at least a little and the idea is that it may help me get other work. It was a huge confidence boost, and has helped more than I can say. Kevin was really proud of me. I was really proud of myself. This small, extremely part-time job is the only thing that has helped me hold on to even a shred of sanity. But it hasn't been enough.
And something has snapped. I just can't take it anymore. On February 6, I posted this status on Facebook:
"For many, 2012 will be a year of firsts and new experiences. While I hope for the same, it will more importantly be a year of lasts for me. Among other things, this will be the last year I work as a restaurant server. I don't care what it takes to achieve this goal. While this has been a resolution of mine since the start of the year, I'm posting this here now so everyone can help hold me accountable."
The year is nearly over, and I am no closer to my goal of leaving this thankless, soulless industry behind than I was 11 months ago.
For a while, I wasted a lot of time. I fell into old habits of laziness, I started spending a lot more time with my restaurant friends, and I started questioning whether my goals and even my relationship with Kevin was "right" for me. I was working a lot of hours. I was too stressed. I never did anything fun. Was this really the kind of boring life I wanted for myself? Eventually I realized I was making the same kind of excuses I made as a college super senior.
For the past couple of months, I have fanatically scoured the internet for every job posting I could find. I've spend hours, days and entire weeks crafting eloquent cover letters, researching companies and filling out time consuming, redundant online applications. Kevin has passed my resume to every friend he has at any even remotely relevant field. He even got me an interview with his company.
I've had no success.
I've sent out almost 30 resumes, had three phone interviews and two secondary in-person interviews. No one has offered me a job. I feel so demoralized. It's just absolutely crushing. I'm even applying to internships, and people still aren't calling me.
The last interview I had was December 19 with an eCommerce company recently acquired by MICROS. Anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant knows that name; they're most known for their retail division where they sell computer point of sales systems for restaurants and bars. It seemed like the perfect job for me. I felt like phone interview and in-person interviews went well, and I was incredibly hopeful about this job. But they have yet to contact me.
I know that a lot of people took off that week, and this one, for the holidays. They told me while I was there that their HR rep wasn't in that day and wouldn't be in for the rest of the week. A lot of people won't be back in the office until after New Years. Kev keeps telling me that over and over. But I still feel completely destroyed.
I have never been so completely filled with dread and fear. I have reached a point of desperation I never thought was possible. I sleep with my phone in my hand. While awake, I check my email every two minutes.
If I could just get a job, any job even remotely close to something loosely related to my college degree, it would change my life. It wouldn't just be a change of schedule, though that in itself would be too amazing to describe. It would get me out of the world of blue collar work, gain the respect of my family and ultimately, of myself. It would change my outlook on the world, give me an opportunity to learn real skills, and help me deepen my relationship with the most important person in my life. I keep telling myself, "if I can just get a job, my life will start."
Please, I'm ready for my adult life to finally start.