Shame work
Sometimes when people make comments about our choices, it feels shaming we don't know why. Here are some of the conflicting underlying messages that fuel our shame and self-doubt:
- You are what you earn.
- Motherhood is easy - what else can you do?
- You should have a real job. You need your own money and identity.
- You should be at home. That’s your job.
- If you were a better mother or a better professional, you could do both easily.
"I thought it was just me. Women reclaiming power and courage in the culture of shame" by Brene Brown.
This book caught my eye when I glanced through it at the bookstore.
Typically I discard books on women issues at once as self-indulging bullshit, so it puzzled me what made this one different.
I suspected it was something personal but I couldn't readily identify what it was. I ordered the book.
When my second child was 6 weeks old, I went back to work. I was working part-time from home so I can breastfeed and stay at home with him longer. Facilitating all these lengthy client conference calls - and now I need 1-minute break - picking my baby from the crib in the bedroom, attaching him to nurse - taking the phone off the mute.
Once I had this endless and damn important call about financial stuff with a lot of people involved on both sides. I did my 1-minute break trick the second time and when I finished nursing, my baby pooped. I absolutely had to change him but I couldn’t drop the call. So I started changing him on the floor, trying to take the phone off the mute and make coherent comments from time to time. Wall-to-wall carpeting in our rented apartment was in jeopardy. If only the clients could see us then. Lucky me - my husband came home for lunch and helped me out.
I stayed home much longer than 12 weeks allowed by FMLA because I started working soon after giving birth and used my vacation days saved during pregnancy. I was very determined to use vacation days to stay home with the baby and since out vacation/sick/personal days were merged together I used only one sick day during pregnancy. Yes, I managed to stay home longer. But I missed quality time with my baby. I had time to do maintenance, but no time to relax and hold my baby in my arms with no particular purpose and with a silly smile on my face.
When my son was 6 months old, I went on with my full-time job as a project manager. It felt important to act as if nothing changed in my life, so I'm the same professional I used to be before giving birth. I worked for a young and dynamic company which went public shortly before my baby was born. Dig the demands of startup environment? When my son turned a year and two months I was managing a project for dot.com startup client. It was objectively easier than the project I managed during pregnancy. My second pregnancy and my first project in project manager role were almost concurrent but I came to finish earlier - I was conducting a 3-day client checkpoint before the user testing phase and went to the hospital on day 3.
This project was much easier but it was somehow a lot for me. I did my best and I was succeeding. But that seemed to be at expense of the restful night sleep. My baby slept through the night just fine, these were project worries.
Review time came.
The department head I was reporting before going on maternity leave had left the company. That seemed to be a result of political game. Someone else came on board and an additional layer of middle management was installed between department head and project managers. Former department head gave me a good review few months prior to me taking maternity leave and told me the project review will be done once it’s over. Now there was a new manager assigned to me as my career mentor. We barely knew each other. The new guy was energetic and aggressive macho, single and successful. It was a widely know fact that he goes out with a head of HR at least ten years older than him, and rumor had it that he got some favors in the form of stock options.
He started my review by complimenting me on my current project work. Obviously, I got no credit for my work during last months before maternity leave. I did a really good job back then, so I thought it was unfair. Then he commented on my weaknesses. He said something along the lines that though I do a good job in my project space, I don’t contribute enough to company activities. He added that the company was changing and things were now different from what I was used to in startup years. Here they were - enthusiastic young guys and gals bursting with energy and the taste for activities ranging from organizing internal fund-raising campaign for United Way to making smart professional presentation about something innovative at the project managers meeting. Meanwhile I felt that I’m on the edge, pushing myself to the limit to keep the project on schedule, keep the client happy, not overwhelm my team with the endless change requests and keep my management informed. Well, people from other projects asked me to share the templates for project documentation I created, but it was quiet background work and it didn’t occur to me to even mention it. And sure enough I never allowed myself to think that me having a young baby makes a difference. I had an older child, now attending elementary school, and it was never an issue. I got some low-level job when she was a year and a half and was getting jobs with increasing level of responsibility ever since. So how could a child make a difference now?
It was just me, and I was struggling while everyone else was capable of doing that much and extra. Not taking into account my prior success was perfectly logical. We do business in the present and make projections into the future, why care about the past. I was ashamed. And I reacted in the worst possible way. I couldn’t help it: I cried. I cried in professional environment. I was ashamed of who I am (I was a loser, wasn’t I?) and of myself crying. My career mentor pretended he didn’t notice. I guess a woman crying in front of you is a scene uncomfortable enough. A woman crying in front of you and because of you in professional environment is something so uncomfortable it’s better to pretend it doesn’t exist. So, he went on with his critique and concluded with salary raise information. This part was fine. I was not. And this guy’s attitude was not a product of my imagination: it was reflected in the printed copy of my review.
I was devastated by myself crying at work and decided to see a doctor to address problems with my sleep. I told him about my work and family and described this embarrassing episode to stress my point that I need medical help to repair my sleep, otherwise I’m losing control of myself. The doctor nodded: “Yes, yes, and then you cried because some idiot lectured you”. The doctor prescribed pills to take before I go to bed. I went on vacation few weeks later. Vacation actually worked better than pills. So, my sleep was back to normal. I changed my career mentor following the mutual agreement that this would be the best course for both of us. As for the episode itself, I thought it was just me and stopped reflecting on it. I forgot all about it since, though I have reasons to believe that it affected me more than I thought.
When I read about conflicting messages in this book about shame, I suddenly remembered this episode. And I had a revelation. I realized whom I was competing with at that point. First, more than half of these project managers were men, most of them single. Second, none of the women who were project managers had children. No infants or toddlers neither older kids.
Children are not an excuse for being not up to the mark when it comes to performing your duties at work. But raising children is something that can make you feel fulfilled, busy, happy or tired, frustrated or satisfied. It’s definitely something that exists, affects your life and well, takes time and occupies your mind. It is only fair that people who are doing extra stuff are recognized for that. It’s okay not to be one of them.
People who consciously choose not to walk the path of advancing in their career and decide to stay at the same level of responsibility for the time being (never mind the reason - enjoying life outside of work, living with chronic illness or taking care of a sick relative) - when it comes to self-esteem issue, these people are in a better position than working mothers of healthy babies for whom nothing has changed after child birth - at the first glance.