Back in the pit
But not as far down and climbing out won't be such a big deal.
In fact, I am quite glad to be here again, because I was teetering on the edge of putting myself back at the bottom and I needed the wake-up call. Things have been good for the last 2 weeks, I have been One Happy Bunny and all has been sweetness and light. I wonder who made that possible? Let me give you a clue - she has blonde hair, is overweight and forgot to put herself first - again.
So, hello pit.
But this time I am not blaming myself, I may have to accept responsibility for part of it but it wasn't all me and never has been.
Reminding myself of the scene - Friday night, it has become an evening where we go to the Angel, relax, chill out and actually talk without malice, set the scene to relax for the weekend. Which is how I went there, chilling, relaxing, stresses of the week melting away. The locas all said hello, the landlord welcomed me, I was having a laugh, got the drinks and we sat down and suddenly the whole fun side if it went. I walked out so tense that if a kitten had crossed my path I would have kicked it - sorry folks, but I would have.
Talk turned to dealing with finance, I was being reasonable (in my eyes, I accept it may not be to other people), somewhere along the line it turned nasty cos apparantly I will be better off, with more disposable income. So I did the figures - I will end up lucky to buy a packet of fags a week, let alone owt else for myself. Then it got really nasty, I started talking about all the money I had paid out for the family and him while spending very little on myself (eg work clothes) he started on about he never made me feel guilty for that and it all resulted in me walking out of the pub
And needless to say, being accused of sulking.
It came to me later, I had walked in there and handed over a cheque for £485 so he could pursue his dream of being a counsellor, and I was happy to do it so he could chase his dream. 10 years ago, I wanted to be a counsellor (still do, as it happens and I know I would be very very good at it) but I put my dream on hold for the sake of the family.Rightly or wrongly. I totted up how much money we have invested in each others wishes and dreams and I think I came out with a minus total. So how the hell do I always end up being browbeaten into thinking I am the selfish one? Somehow it gets twisted, I know what i want to say but I listen to relentless so-called logic and end up apologising.
What do i have to apologise for?
Denying myself a lot of things, denying my dream and hopes so I can give my kids a proper family life while their father indulges himself in his latest whim? Doing the washing cooking and cleaning while he sleeps or twats about on a golf course or plays on Halo online (which he used MY credit card for, might I remind myself?) or moves friends into new flats? I live in a tip while everyone else thinks he is a wonderful person and I am a whingebag who moans about nothing being done, while i apparently won't lift a finger to help round the house.
But I do - who do you think keeps this place running? I admit i have given up at times. I admit I am not a perfect person, but for fuck's sake - I feel I have given more than I have than taken and I am not being put back in my box.
Once again it took very litle to put me back in my box, make me scared and think I had nothing to offer, the whole future seemed so much less scary if I chose not to go out there and face it, but I really am more scared of not facing it - I will lose myself if I don't.
And there is no way I am losing myself again - no matter how scary the future, i am facing it with my eyes open, riding the rollercoaster and i am going to get through it and get off at the other end.
And by the way - i will have that £485 back - he owes me that at least! *grins*
In fact, I am quite glad to be here again, because I was teetering on the edge of putting myself back at the bottom and I needed the wake-up call. Things have been good for the last 2 weeks, I have been One Happy Bunny and all has been sweetness and light. I wonder who made that possible? Let me give you a clue - she has blonde hair, is overweight and forgot to put herself first - again.
So, hello pit.
But this time I am not blaming myself, I may have to accept responsibility for part of it but it wasn't all me and never has been.
Reminding myself of the scene - Friday night, it has become an evening where we go to the Angel, relax, chill out and actually talk without malice, set the scene to relax for the weekend. Which is how I went there, chilling, relaxing, stresses of the week melting away. The locas all said hello, the landlord welcomed me, I was having a laugh, got the drinks and we sat down and suddenly the whole fun side if it went. I walked out so tense that if a kitten had crossed my path I would have kicked it - sorry folks, but I would have.
Talk turned to dealing with finance, I was being reasonable (in my eyes, I accept it may not be to other people), somewhere along the line it turned nasty cos apparantly I will be better off, with more disposable income. So I did the figures - I will end up lucky to buy a packet of fags a week, let alone owt else for myself. Then it got really nasty, I started talking about all the money I had paid out for the family and him while spending very little on myself (eg work clothes) he started on about he never made me feel guilty for that and it all resulted in me walking out of the pub
And needless to say, being accused of sulking.
It came to me later, I had walked in there and handed over a cheque for £485 so he could pursue his dream of being a counsellor, and I was happy to do it so he could chase his dream. 10 years ago, I wanted to be a counsellor (still do, as it happens and I know I would be very very good at it) but I put my dream on hold for the sake of the family.Rightly or wrongly. I totted up how much money we have invested in each others wishes and dreams and I think I came out with a minus total. So how the hell do I always end up being browbeaten into thinking I am the selfish one? Somehow it gets twisted, I know what i want to say but I listen to relentless so-called logic and end up apologising.
What do i have to apologise for?
Denying myself a lot of things, denying my dream and hopes so I can give my kids a proper family life while their father indulges himself in his latest whim? Doing the washing cooking and cleaning while he sleeps or twats about on a golf course or plays on Halo online (which he used MY credit card for, might I remind myself?) or moves friends into new flats? I live in a tip while everyone else thinks he is a wonderful person and I am a whingebag who moans about nothing being done, while i apparently won't lift a finger to help round the house.
But I do - who do you think keeps this place running? I admit i have given up at times. I admit I am not a perfect person, but for fuck's sake - I feel I have given more than I have than taken and I am not being put back in my box.
Once again it took very litle to put me back in my box, make me scared and think I had nothing to offer, the whole future seemed so much less scary if I chose not to go out there and face it, but I really am more scared of not facing it - I will lose myself if I don't.
And there is no way I am losing myself again - no matter how scary the future, i am facing it with my eyes open, riding the rollercoaster and i am going to get through it and get off at the other end.
And by the way - i will have that £485 back - he owes me that at least! *grins*