Evolution Teaser- It's Raining
**Note**- So I wrote this after drawing a quick sketch of Lucy, and writing an accompanying piece. I decided that I wanted to expand on what I had written, and wrote this scene.
This scene contains major spoilers for the second and third parts, and yes, I do mean about the warnings.
Rating: T/M
Warnings: Mentions of self-harm and attempted suicide, character death, language, mentions of sex, mention of attempted abortion.
Characters: Charlie Harris, Lucy, Dean Finch, Derek Cassanova.
Evolution- It’s Raining
As I make the drive from my flat to the care home, thoughts of past residents flit through my mind. I’ll admit I’m apprehensive and confused about who could possibly want to see me; I was never exactly popular back there.
When I turn the corner onto the street and catch sight of the care home, I’m hit with a mild sense of dread. I haven’t been here for five years, and I was glad when I left. Seeing the home hits me with memories- bad ones that I had forgotten about; sleepless nights, fitful dreams, the torment and shame...
My mother’s broken body, lifeless in the driver’s seat. Her corpse splayed out on a surgeon’s table. I’m dressed in a suit and weeping over her lifeless form-
I pull over before I crash the car.
What was I thinking? I can’t even bring myself to face our old family home, so why should I be able to make an uneventful trip to the reminder of what happened?
Her eyes opening and her lips whispering, ‘Why?’ How could you do such a thing? You killed me.
I bury my head in my hands, gripping my hair harshly. I’m trying to bring myself back to the present, but it’s not working.
The accusing glares. My grandparents turning their backs on the precession. My second cousin looking down her nose... there’s my father in the corner.
Stop it, I try telling myself. This isn’t real.
But it is. He levels an emotionless gaze at me before waving me away.
Sam accepts me reluctantly.
My breathing hitches and I feel something hot and wet on my cheeks.
The counsellor’s understanding expression as I confess my crime. The way Claire holds me comfortingly as I sob into her shoulder. Derek doesn’t judge me, and instead he gives a soft smile and reassures me that I’m wrong- that I didn’t do it-
Derek.
I choke.
I haven’t thought about him for a few years; not since the funeral. I hate myself; I’m so ashamed. All of the times he’s been there for me, and I don’t even thank him for it? Dean visits the graveyard every Saturday, but I haven’t even been once.
I’m sorry.
It strikes me that for all of the times I’ve said that, Derek was usually on the receiving end.
‘Why are you doing this? Don’t you care? It’s dangerous- you could die!’
‘I know. I have to join. There are people I want to protect, and I can’t do that sat at home with a few measly GCSEs and a failed attempt at A Levels. I can’t do that when there are people dying needlessly. I can’t even help my friends when they need it, but I can at least do this.’
‘...I see.’
‘Do you?’
‘It’s your duty. I- I understand. I’m sorry.’
‘...Thank you.’
I sniff and reach into my pocket for a tissue. How foolish of me; crying and feeling so ashamed of myself. I blow my nose, cursing my selfishness. Derek wouldn’t want to see me crying, no. But I’m sure he’d at least appreciate it if I didn’t forget about him altogether.
I glance at my reflection. I look hideous. My eyes are red, my cheeks flushed and my lip seems to have doubled in size.
I never was a pretty crier.
I wait a few minutes before pocketing the tissue and turning the engine off. I pause before stepping out of my car.
Wonder what my class would think of me if they saw me.
I wonder what Derek would think of me if he saw me today...
I shake my head and walk to the front door. I stall right before I ring the bell.
How many times have I hesitated today?
I’m now thinking about who might be waiting for me. I have my suspicions; there was only one person who I got on well enough for them to want to see me again. I press the button, faintly hearing the ringing on the other side of the door. I wonder if they still have some of the kids that I remember from my later years there. Have they got a new care worker? I know that Amelia’s doing pretty well as a social worker, does she come here often?
Sally opens the door. She’s aged in the past five years... she must be in her mid fifties by now.
‘Charlie, you’re here!’ her smile, as it always has been, is genuine, if a little strained. When was the last time she took a holiday?
Nevertheless, I respond with a smile of my own. She always has been like a second mother to me. ‘Hey. It’s been a while. You’re looking young as ever.’
Her smile is bashful now. ‘Oh, hush you! Look at you, you’ve grown so much! I haven’t seen you since you turned twenty-one!’
She really knows how to make me feel guilty.
‘Sorry, Sally. I’ve been busy with university and now at the school...’
She sees right through my excuse, of course. Her eyes turn sad and her tone no longer has the happy inflection that I’m used to. ‘...I wish you would be honest with me, Charlie. I know how much you hated this place...’
I flinch. ‘I’m sorry! I- I-’
She waves her hand and beckons me inside. ‘Enough of that. You have a visitor.’
I step over the threshold and into the hallway. The carpet is still the same dark cream colour, and the walls are still white, though there’s a boy around ten cleaning part of it just down the hall where there are obvious traces of crayons.
‘It...smells the same as I remember.’
‘Oh?’ she seems amused.
‘Like... vanilla.’
‘You always hated that smell.’
‘Of course,’ I tell her stiffly.
She guides me past the boy, who looks at me strangely before continuing his work, and into her office.
Now that I’m standing in front of the girl, who must be in her late teens, I know exactly who she is. I easily recognise the shape of her lips, her low cheekbones and that wide smile, and though it has been so long, I can already remember the exuberant way she would celebrate holidays.
‘Lucy,’ I say. ‘You’ve grown...’
She grins and wraps her arms around my waist. I reciprocate, patting her back as I do so. Her blonde hair tickles my chin, but I kiss the top of her head, anyway. ‘You recognise me?’
‘How could I not?’ I realise that it has been over ten years since we last spoke. ‘I never forgot you.’
She sniffs.
‘Luce?’ I tighten my hold around her, stunned by how protective I feel of her. I used to see her as a little sister, but now those feelings are more paternal.
Didn’t I always tell Derek that I never wanted children?
‘I missed you...’ her voice is muffled by my shirt.
‘... I missed you too, Luce.’
We catch up; she is doing well in her life. Now at seventeen, she’s doing her A Levels at college, and has been going out with the same boy for two years. She did so well in her GCSEs, and is planning on becoming a speech therapist.
‘I remember Ben,’ she explains. Ben was a deaf-mute boy two years older than her. ‘He was really nice to me.’
‘Ben was a good kid,’ I tell her. ‘I hear he’s founded a charity.’
Lucy nods eagerly. ‘I volunteer for them. I haven’t seen him recently, but I’m hoping to.’
She asks me about my life, and I tell her about my own studies, and my recent job at La Grange. I try to gloss over the topic of my friends, but she corners me.
‘I... I heard about Derek Cassanova.’
I freeze.
‘Apparently he was married and had adopted two kids. But... you weren’t his husband.’
‘We broke up when I was seventeen,’ I tell her, my voice surprisingly calm. ‘He married my old roommate from university, Dean.’
‘I liked Derek. He played with me whenever he came round and you were busy.’
I feel like I have been punched in the stomach, slapped across the face and like my chest has been caught in a vice, all at once.
I struggle to swallow.
‘I visited him last month. Dean was there.’
My head shoots up, and I see her glaring critically at me.
‘He said that he’d never seen you, not since the funeral.’
I try to excuse myself for it, but she isn’t listening.
‘I didn’t think you could be so selfish, Charlie. You were the person I always looked up to; you were my role model, the only person I strived to make proud. This-’
‘It’s painful, isn’t it? When your idols turn out to be human.’
She’s silently staring at me. Her eyes are filled with confusion, but I’m sure that deep down she understands.
‘I used to look up to so many people; my uncle Charles, my mum, Sam, Ryan, my dad... Even Derek. Eventually, I realised that I still had reason to be disappointed with them. Charles supposedly loved my mother, but not enough to help us out of our family situation. My mum was too proud to accept help and money from my dad. Sam was barely ever there for me emotionally. Ryan antagonises my dad even now, and dad left my mum all those years ago.’
‘...and Derek?’
I stand from my seat on the chair in front of her. ‘Derek... he left me. He left me because I couldn’t commit. He enlisted in the army out of a sense of duty. He fell in love with my friend with benefits- I know; don’t look at me like that. He went ahead and died, right after he got those two kids, and I never got the chance to tell him that I loved him. He left me behind while he went away to play hero, only staying around to tease me with what ifs. He never stuck around long enough to let me say what I needed to say, and now I wonder if he really did fall out of love with me,’ my voice is now barely a murmur. ‘He left me behind to have a life of his own, and I never forgave him for it.’
Lucy regards me with a look of pity. ‘You feel guilty, don’t you?’
I nod. ‘I hate him, and I hate myself for that. I could barely face Dean when Derek was still alive, but now? I feel so ashamed as soon as I step out of my door.’
‘You never stopped loving him.’
I shake my head. ‘No.’ I fall back in my seat. ‘I still do, which I why I feel even worse.’
She raises an eyebrow, and I explain all about Cadence Parker, and my conflicting emotions. I tell her about our recent date, and how open we had been with each other; about the way I caught myself looking at her; the way I already want to brag about her to everyone I met.
I tell her about when she leaned in for that kiss, and how I felt disgusting and immoral.
‘It was like I was cheating on him, Luce.’
She nodded, apparently understanding. ‘You know that there’s only one way for you to get over this, don’t you?’
I nod.
And that is how I found myself stood in front of my ex-boyfriend’s grave, with his husband standing next to me.
‘Derek?’ I whispered. I heard him turn to face me. ‘Derek?’
‘What is it?’ he mumbled. ‘I was sleeping.’
‘I’m sorry about earlier. You- you were right. I probably am scared of commitment.’
He shifted so that all of his weight was on his arm. ‘You sure?’
‘Yes. I... I also shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.’
He watched me for a few seconds before climbing out of his bed and standing in front of mine. He looked at me pointedly, his hands on his hips. ‘Well?’ he asked expectantly. ‘Budge over. Let me lie down.’
I did so, feeling a bit awkward. It wasn’t the first time we had shared a bed, but it certainly was the first time we shared in nothing but our underwear. ‘It’s okay, Charlie. I shouldn’t have pushed you. Using your dad was low.’
I nodded and wrapped my arms around him. He did the same, pulling me close so that my head lay on his chest. He deliberately tangled our legs together, and I glared at him. ‘Oh, come on, Charlie.’
‘I’m not a girl, don’t treat me like one.’
‘You sure do act like it sometimes.’
I glared at him again. The bastard was smirking.
‘”He’s just so cute!”’
‘Be quiet! I’ll never forget the shame of that moment!’
He chuckled and kissed my forehead.
‘Derek?’ I say shakily. ‘Derek... it’s me. Charlie.’
I can almost hear his sarcastic response. ‘No shit, Sherlock. I thought you were Amelia.’
I laugh under my breath. ‘I’m sorry that I haven’t been to see you. I can’t justify myself for it, I know, but I can at least apologise.’ I sigh deeply before continuing. ‘You know what strikes me as odd? For all the times that I’ve said sorry to you, I can’t remember a time when I ever thanked you. I know it’s long overdue now, but... there were things that I should have said when I had the chance, and this is the closest I can get.’
I fall to my knees, hitting the grass hard, but barely feeling it.
‘Before I get to what I want to say, I want to thank you for everything that you’ve ever done for me. You were there that day Daniel beat me up, and even though you hated me at the time, you still helped me to the nurse’s office. You helped me get through my counselling, and even advised me on how to deal with my sexuality. You stuck by me, even when I pissed you off, and you did try to make me face my fear of commitment, even if your methods weren’t exactly the best.
I want to thank you for enlisting. I know it sounds horrible now, considering what happened, but I still understand why you did it, beyond it being your duty. You were protecting us in the only way you thought you could, and though I tried to support you, I don’t think I did enough.
You... you helped me through my first time. You did everything you could so that sex could be good for the both of us. I know it was your first, as well, so you must have been nervous as fuck. Don’t deny it, I could see you shaking.’
Behind me, I hear Dean’s choked laugh.
‘I want to thank you for considering me as your best man. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do it, but I was so very grateful. I definitely want to thank you for making me the children’s godfather, which shames me because I haven’t been there for them.’
Something wet falls onto my hands.
‘It’s raining again, Derek. You used to love this weather, didn’t you?’
Why are my eyes so blurry?
‘Okay, that’s all I can think of about that. If I remember more, I’ll write them down for when I next visit; and I will, I promise.
I’m a teacher now, you know? I teach drama at La Grange. I know, of all places. Luckily I was only renting a flat in Manchester for university. As soon as I got the job, I searched for places in Leeds. I still match the uniform, by the way. Yeah, I’ve got a new sweater vest. It’s green.’
‘Naturally,’ I swear he’s thinking.
‘I met this woman... I suppose that the biggest thing I have to say. She’s our age, and a Mancunian. Poor girl, right? Anyway, her name’s Cadence Parker... she has a bit of a similar situation as me, actually. Although she lost her boyfriend around the time we broke up.’ I stare at the engraved letters on the marble. ‘If you meet Darren Christopher, can you tell him something from me?’ My voice is now determined, and I’m shocked at myself. ‘Can you tell him that I’ll take care of Cadence? That’s... that’s it, really. I think I’m falling in love with her, and I’m falling hard.
You’d love her; she’s such a brilliant woman. She’s fun, likes the same music as me, very sarcastic... almost like a female you, except she’s straight... although, you both do like men, so...’
Dean snorts.
‘She treats me well. That’s the important thing. She’s very genuine. She’s patient, just as much as you were, actually. She’s... a bit full of herself, but I guess that’s more of a defence mechanism than anything.
I saw Amy the other day. Shock, I know. We were at the Old Don, and I saw her at the bar.
We spoke. She was doing okay, but not too well. We cleared a few things up, and parted on good terms. I was surprised, but I guess we’d have been silly to carry on that old grudge.’
I reach forwards and trace Derek’s name. Derek Anthony Cassanova.
‘...you always thought we were stupid for how we acted anyway, didn’t you? You just wanted us to leave each other alone. You always were more mature than me.’
I sigh and lean back. ‘I need to be honest with you, Derek. I- I hated you... part of me still does. You’ve left us... left me. You always did; all you ever did after we broke up was move on and leave me behind. You got engaged, married, and then you adopted James and Susan. I was still in university and all alone... I was on medication... I was taking anti-depressants and the only person who knows is Dean because he caught me attempting suicide with them.’
I swallow, and the dryness of my mouth and throat reminds me of that day.
‘I was so depressed, Derek. I felt like I was losing everything; I tried to get to know my grandparents, but they didn’t want anything to do with me, I couldn’t talk to anyone, because that would mean admitting that I was on meds, Liam and I were growing distant, and when he left he didn’t leave me his new address. You and Dean had been married a month or so, and you were called out and I was so worried about you, that it was killing me... Ryan and Siena were getting back together, Jake had just come out of that relationship and Amelia was having her own problems. I... I found out something about my mum, and that was what did it. She was unstable when she was pregnant with me. She threw herself down the stairs once... it was only thanks to Charles that she got to the hospital, and became mentally sound enough to actually raise me.’
My throat is closing up, and I’m struggling to breath. Dean sits next to me and puts an arm around my shoulders. He’s whispering in my ear, trying to help me to calm down.
When I finally do, my cheeks are tear-stained and flushed. ‘He was so helpful, D. Your husband, I mean. When that happened, he agreed not to tell anyone, and listened to everything that I needed to say. He helped me get better, and I feel even worse about leaving you all because of that.’
My head drops to my chest. ‘I’m on them again,’ I whisper. I hear Dean take a sharp breath. ‘I’ve been on them since sometime after your funeral. I haven’t tried to take my life again, though... my job’s one of the things that’s keeping me sane.
Cadence knows that I’m taking them, but not about before. She’s... very understanding, remarkably so.’
I sniff, and Dean hands me a tissue.
‘There’s something that I need to tell you, the most important thing, and it’s something that I’ve never said. I- I hope Dean doesn’t mind...’
‘I don’t,’ Dean tells me, patting my shoulder encouragingly.
I open my mouth, but feel the words catch in my throat. I have to force them out, and they come scratching my throat like sandpaper.
‘I love you, and I never stopped. I realised it after that night we spent together at your place, after our first time.’
‘I’m sorry I kept you waiting.’
‘Don’t be, Charlie. It was worth it.’
‘You were the first person I ever fell in love with, and I never regretted a single moment of our relationship. As much as it hurt, I’m glad that you dumped me, because you met Dean. You wouldn’t have ever been as happy with me as you were with him. I loved you so much, and I resented you both but... I haven’t done since the day you adopted those kids. You were so natural there, that I realised that I would prefer you to be happy with him instead of depressed with me. I know about the cutting, D. I- I saw the scars.’
I wipe my eyes. Dean’s hand is still on my shoulder, but his grip is tighter.
The words on the tombstone glare at me.
‘I’m cold, D... I miss what we used to have, I miss just talking to you; we haven’t had a proper friendly conversation since the adoption. But... it’s so cold, and everything’s over.’
I stand, helping Dean up by his hand.
‘It’s cold... but it’s not raining anymore... I can even see the sun coming out.’
I place down the bouquet of flowers that I’d asked Dean to hold for me.
‘I think... I think I’m ready to move on. I’ll be back, Derek. I promise.’
This scene contains major spoilers for the second and third parts, and yes, I do mean about the warnings.
Rating: T/M
Warnings: Mentions of self-harm and attempted suicide, character death, language, mentions of sex, mention of attempted abortion.
Characters: Charlie Harris, Lucy, Dean Finch, Derek Cassanova.
Evolution- It’s Raining
As I make the drive from my flat to the care home, thoughts of past residents flit through my mind. I’ll admit I’m apprehensive and confused about who could possibly want to see me; I was never exactly popular back there.
When I turn the corner onto the street and catch sight of the care home, I’m hit with a mild sense of dread. I haven’t been here for five years, and I was glad when I left. Seeing the home hits me with memories- bad ones that I had forgotten about; sleepless nights, fitful dreams, the torment and shame...
My mother’s broken body, lifeless in the driver’s seat. Her corpse splayed out on a surgeon’s table. I’m dressed in a suit and weeping over her lifeless form-
I pull over before I crash the car.
What was I thinking? I can’t even bring myself to face our old family home, so why should I be able to make an uneventful trip to the reminder of what happened?
Her eyes opening and her lips whispering, ‘Why?’ How could you do such a thing? You killed me.
I bury my head in my hands, gripping my hair harshly. I’m trying to bring myself back to the present, but it’s not working.
The accusing glares. My grandparents turning their backs on the precession. My second cousin looking down her nose... there’s my father in the corner.
Stop it, I try telling myself. This isn’t real.
But it is. He levels an emotionless gaze at me before waving me away.
Sam accepts me reluctantly.
My breathing hitches and I feel something hot and wet on my cheeks.
The counsellor’s understanding expression as I confess my crime. The way Claire holds me comfortingly as I sob into her shoulder. Derek doesn’t judge me, and instead he gives a soft smile and reassures me that I’m wrong- that I didn’t do it-
Derek.
I choke.
I haven’t thought about him for a few years; not since the funeral. I hate myself; I’m so ashamed. All of the times he’s been there for me, and I don’t even thank him for it? Dean visits the graveyard every Saturday, but I haven’t even been once.
I’m sorry.
It strikes me that for all of the times I’ve said that, Derek was usually on the receiving end.
‘Why are you doing this? Don’t you care? It’s dangerous- you could die!’
‘I know. I have to join. There are people I want to protect, and I can’t do that sat at home with a few measly GCSEs and a failed attempt at A Levels. I can’t do that when there are people dying needlessly. I can’t even help my friends when they need it, but I can at least do this.’
‘...I see.’
‘Do you?’
‘It’s your duty. I- I understand. I’m sorry.’
‘...Thank you.’
I sniff and reach into my pocket for a tissue. How foolish of me; crying and feeling so ashamed of myself. I blow my nose, cursing my selfishness. Derek wouldn’t want to see me crying, no. But I’m sure he’d at least appreciate it if I didn’t forget about him altogether.
I glance at my reflection. I look hideous. My eyes are red, my cheeks flushed and my lip seems to have doubled in size.
I never was a pretty crier.
I wait a few minutes before pocketing the tissue and turning the engine off. I pause before stepping out of my car.
Wonder what my class would think of me if they saw me.
I wonder what Derek would think of me if he saw me today...
I shake my head and walk to the front door. I stall right before I ring the bell.
How many times have I hesitated today?
I’m now thinking about who might be waiting for me. I have my suspicions; there was only one person who I got on well enough for them to want to see me again. I press the button, faintly hearing the ringing on the other side of the door. I wonder if they still have some of the kids that I remember from my later years there. Have they got a new care worker? I know that Amelia’s doing pretty well as a social worker, does she come here often?
Sally opens the door. She’s aged in the past five years... she must be in her mid fifties by now.
‘Charlie, you’re here!’ her smile, as it always has been, is genuine, if a little strained. When was the last time she took a holiday?
Nevertheless, I respond with a smile of my own. She always has been like a second mother to me. ‘Hey. It’s been a while. You’re looking young as ever.’
Her smile is bashful now. ‘Oh, hush you! Look at you, you’ve grown so much! I haven’t seen you since you turned twenty-one!’
She really knows how to make me feel guilty.
‘Sorry, Sally. I’ve been busy with university and now at the school...’
She sees right through my excuse, of course. Her eyes turn sad and her tone no longer has the happy inflection that I’m used to. ‘...I wish you would be honest with me, Charlie. I know how much you hated this place...’
I flinch. ‘I’m sorry! I- I-’
She waves her hand and beckons me inside. ‘Enough of that. You have a visitor.’
I step over the threshold and into the hallway. The carpet is still the same dark cream colour, and the walls are still white, though there’s a boy around ten cleaning part of it just down the hall where there are obvious traces of crayons.
‘It...smells the same as I remember.’
‘Oh?’ she seems amused.
‘Like... vanilla.’
‘You always hated that smell.’
‘Of course,’ I tell her stiffly.
She guides me past the boy, who looks at me strangely before continuing his work, and into her office.
Now that I’m standing in front of the girl, who must be in her late teens, I know exactly who she is. I easily recognise the shape of her lips, her low cheekbones and that wide smile, and though it has been so long, I can already remember the exuberant way she would celebrate holidays.
‘Lucy,’ I say. ‘You’ve grown...’
She grins and wraps her arms around my waist. I reciprocate, patting her back as I do so. Her blonde hair tickles my chin, but I kiss the top of her head, anyway. ‘You recognise me?’
‘How could I not?’ I realise that it has been over ten years since we last spoke. ‘I never forgot you.’
She sniffs.
‘Luce?’ I tighten my hold around her, stunned by how protective I feel of her. I used to see her as a little sister, but now those feelings are more paternal.
Didn’t I always tell Derek that I never wanted children?
‘I missed you...’ her voice is muffled by my shirt.
‘... I missed you too, Luce.’
We catch up; she is doing well in her life. Now at seventeen, she’s doing her A Levels at college, and has been going out with the same boy for two years. She did so well in her GCSEs, and is planning on becoming a speech therapist.
‘I remember Ben,’ she explains. Ben was a deaf-mute boy two years older than her. ‘He was really nice to me.’
‘Ben was a good kid,’ I tell her. ‘I hear he’s founded a charity.’
Lucy nods eagerly. ‘I volunteer for them. I haven’t seen him recently, but I’m hoping to.’
She asks me about my life, and I tell her about my own studies, and my recent job at La Grange. I try to gloss over the topic of my friends, but she corners me.
‘I... I heard about Derek Cassanova.’
I freeze.
‘Apparently he was married and had adopted two kids. But... you weren’t his husband.’
‘We broke up when I was seventeen,’ I tell her, my voice surprisingly calm. ‘He married my old roommate from university, Dean.’
‘I liked Derek. He played with me whenever he came round and you were busy.’
I feel like I have been punched in the stomach, slapped across the face and like my chest has been caught in a vice, all at once.
I struggle to swallow.
‘I visited him last month. Dean was there.’
My head shoots up, and I see her glaring critically at me.
‘He said that he’d never seen you, not since the funeral.’
I try to excuse myself for it, but she isn’t listening.
‘I didn’t think you could be so selfish, Charlie. You were the person I always looked up to; you were my role model, the only person I strived to make proud. This-’
‘It’s painful, isn’t it? When your idols turn out to be human.’
She’s silently staring at me. Her eyes are filled with confusion, but I’m sure that deep down she understands.
‘I used to look up to so many people; my uncle Charles, my mum, Sam, Ryan, my dad... Even Derek. Eventually, I realised that I still had reason to be disappointed with them. Charles supposedly loved my mother, but not enough to help us out of our family situation. My mum was too proud to accept help and money from my dad. Sam was barely ever there for me emotionally. Ryan antagonises my dad even now, and dad left my mum all those years ago.’
‘...and Derek?’
I stand from my seat on the chair in front of her. ‘Derek... he left me. He left me because I couldn’t commit. He enlisted in the army out of a sense of duty. He fell in love with my friend with benefits- I know; don’t look at me like that. He went ahead and died, right after he got those two kids, and I never got the chance to tell him that I loved him. He left me behind while he went away to play hero, only staying around to tease me with what ifs. He never stuck around long enough to let me say what I needed to say, and now I wonder if he really did fall out of love with me,’ my voice is now barely a murmur. ‘He left me behind to have a life of his own, and I never forgave him for it.’
Lucy regards me with a look of pity. ‘You feel guilty, don’t you?’
I nod. ‘I hate him, and I hate myself for that. I could barely face Dean when Derek was still alive, but now? I feel so ashamed as soon as I step out of my door.’
‘You never stopped loving him.’
I shake my head. ‘No.’ I fall back in my seat. ‘I still do, which I why I feel even worse.’
She raises an eyebrow, and I explain all about Cadence Parker, and my conflicting emotions. I tell her about our recent date, and how open we had been with each other; about the way I caught myself looking at her; the way I already want to brag about her to everyone I met.
I tell her about when she leaned in for that kiss, and how I felt disgusting and immoral.
‘It was like I was cheating on him, Luce.’
She nodded, apparently understanding. ‘You know that there’s only one way for you to get over this, don’t you?’
I nod.
And that is how I found myself stood in front of my ex-boyfriend’s grave, with his husband standing next to me.
‘Derek?’ I whispered. I heard him turn to face me. ‘Derek?’
‘What is it?’ he mumbled. ‘I was sleeping.’
‘I’m sorry about earlier. You- you were right. I probably am scared of commitment.’
He shifted so that all of his weight was on his arm. ‘You sure?’
‘Yes. I... I also shouldn’t have reacted the way I did.’
He watched me for a few seconds before climbing out of his bed and standing in front of mine. He looked at me pointedly, his hands on his hips. ‘Well?’ he asked expectantly. ‘Budge over. Let me lie down.’
I did so, feeling a bit awkward. It wasn’t the first time we had shared a bed, but it certainly was the first time we shared in nothing but our underwear. ‘It’s okay, Charlie. I shouldn’t have pushed you. Using your dad was low.’
I nodded and wrapped my arms around him. He did the same, pulling me close so that my head lay on his chest. He deliberately tangled our legs together, and I glared at him. ‘Oh, come on, Charlie.’
‘I’m not a girl, don’t treat me like one.’
‘You sure do act like it sometimes.’
I glared at him again. The bastard was smirking.
‘”He’s just so cute!”’
‘Be quiet! I’ll never forget the shame of that moment!’
He chuckled and kissed my forehead.
‘Derek?’ I say shakily. ‘Derek... it’s me. Charlie.’
I can almost hear his sarcastic response. ‘No shit, Sherlock. I thought you were Amelia.’
I laugh under my breath. ‘I’m sorry that I haven’t been to see you. I can’t justify myself for it, I know, but I can at least apologise.’ I sigh deeply before continuing. ‘You know what strikes me as odd? For all the times that I’ve said sorry to you, I can’t remember a time when I ever thanked you. I know it’s long overdue now, but... there were things that I should have said when I had the chance, and this is the closest I can get.’
I fall to my knees, hitting the grass hard, but barely feeling it.
‘Before I get to what I want to say, I want to thank you for everything that you’ve ever done for me. You were there that day Daniel beat me up, and even though you hated me at the time, you still helped me to the nurse’s office. You helped me get through my counselling, and even advised me on how to deal with my sexuality. You stuck by me, even when I pissed you off, and you did try to make me face my fear of commitment, even if your methods weren’t exactly the best.
I want to thank you for enlisting. I know it sounds horrible now, considering what happened, but I still understand why you did it, beyond it being your duty. You were protecting us in the only way you thought you could, and though I tried to support you, I don’t think I did enough.
You... you helped me through my first time. You did everything you could so that sex could be good for the both of us. I know it was your first, as well, so you must have been nervous as fuck. Don’t deny it, I could see you shaking.’
Behind me, I hear Dean’s choked laugh.
‘I want to thank you for considering me as your best man. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do it, but I was so very grateful. I definitely want to thank you for making me the children’s godfather, which shames me because I haven’t been there for them.’
Something wet falls onto my hands.
‘It’s raining again, Derek. You used to love this weather, didn’t you?’
Why are my eyes so blurry?
‘Okay, that’s all I can think of about that. If I remember more, I’ll write them down for when I next visit; and I will, I promise.
I’m a teacher now, you know? I teach drama at La Grange. I know, of all places. Luckily I was only renting a flat in Manchester for university. As soon as I got the job, I searched for places in Leeds. I still match the uniform, by the way. Yeah, I’ve got a new sweater vest. It’s green.’
‘Naturally,’ I swear he’s thinking.
‘I met this woman... I suppose that the biggest thing I have to say. She’s our age, and a Mancunian. Poor girl, right? Anyway, her name’s Cadence Parker... she has a bit of a similar situation as me, actually. Although she lost her boyfriend around the time we broke up.’ I stare at the engraved letters on the marble. ‘If you meet Darren Christopher, can you tell him something from me?’ My voice is now determined, and I’m shocked at myself. ‘Can you tell him that I’ll take care of Cadence? That’s... that’s it, really. I think I’m falling in love with her, and I’m falling hard.
You’d love her; she’s such a brilliant woman. She’s fun, likes the same music as me, very sarcastic... almost like a female you, except she’s straight... although, you both do like men, so...’
Dean snorts.
‘She treats me well. That’s the important thing. She’s very genuine. She’s patient, just as much as you were, actually. She’s... a bit full of herself, but I guess that’s more of a defence mechanism than anything.
I saw Amy the other day. Shock, I know. We were at the Old Don, and I saw her at the bar.
We spoke. She was doing okay, but not too well. We cleared a few things up, and parted on good terms. I was surprised, but I guess we’d have been silly to carry on that old grudge.’
I reach forwards and trace Derek’s name. Derek Anthony Cassanova.
‘...you always thought we were stupid for how we acted anyway, didn’t you? You just wanted us to leave each other alone. You always were more mature than me.’
I sigh and lean back. ‘I need to be honest with you, Derek. I- I hated you... part of me still does. You’ve left us... left me. You always did; all you ever did after we broke up was move on and leave me behind. You got engaged, married, and then you adopted James and Susan. I was still in university and all alone... I was on medication... I was taking anti-depressants and the only person who knows is Dean because he caught me attempting suicide with them.’
I swallow, and the dryness of my mouth and throat reminds me of that day.
‘I was so depressed, Derek. I felt like I was losing everything; I tried to get to know my grandparents, but they didn’t want anything to do with me, I couldn’t talk to anyone, because that would mean admitting that I was on meds, Liam and I were growing distant, and when he left he didn’t leave me his new address. You and Dean had been married a month or so, and you were called out and I was so worried about you, that it was killing me... Ryan and Siena were getting back together, Jake had just come out of that relationship and Amelia was having her own problems. I... I found out something about my mum, and that was what did it. She was unstable when she was pregnant with me. She threw herself down the stairs once... it was only thanks to Charles that she got to the hospital, and became mentally sound enough to actually raise me.’
My throat is closing up, and I’m struggling to breath. Dean sits next to me and puts an arm around my shoulders. He’s whispering in my ear, trying to help me to calm down.
When I finally do, my cheeks are tear-stained and flushed. ‘He was so helpful, D. Your husband, I mean. When that happened, he agreed not to tell anyone, and listened to everything that I needed to say. He helped me get better, and I feel even worse about leaving you all because of that.’
My head drops to my chest. ‘I’m on them again,’ I whisper. I hear Dean take a sharp breath. ‘I’ve been on them since sometime after your funeral. I haven’t tried to take my life again, though... my job’s one of the things that’s keeping me sane.
Cadence knows that I’m taking them, but not about before. She’s... very understanding, remarkably so.’
I sniff, and Dean hands me a tissue.
‘There’s something that I need to tell you, the most important thing, and it’s something that I’ve never said. I- I hope Dean doesn’t mind...’
‘I don’t,’ Dean tells me, patting my shoulder encouragingly.
I open my mouth, but feel the words catch in my throat. I have to force them out, and they come scratching my throat like sandpaper.
‘I love you, and I never stopped. I realised it after that night we spent together at your place, after our first time.’
‘I’m sorry I kept you waiting.’
‘Don’t be, Charlie. It was worth it.’
‘You were the first person I ever fell in love with, and I never regretted a single moment of our relationship. As much as it hurt, I’m glad that you dumped me, because you met Dean. You wouldn’t have ever been as happy with me as you were with him. I loved you so much, and I resented you both but... I haven’t done since the day you adopted those kids. You were so natural there, that I realised that I would prefer you to be happy with him instead of depressed with me. I know about the cutting, D. I- I saw the scars.’
I wipe my eyes. Dean’s hand is still on my shoulder, but his grip is tighter.
The words on the tombstone glare at me.
‘I’m cold, D... I miss what we used to have, I miss just talking to you; we haven’t had a proper friendly conversation since the adoption. But... it’s so cold, and everything’s over.’
I stand, helping Dean up by his hand.
‘It’s cold... but it’s not raining anymore... I can even see the sun coming out.’
I place down the bouquet of flowers that I’d asked Dean to hold for me.
‘I think... I think I’m ready to move on. I’ll be back, Derek. I promise.’