Only two days…
I forgot how weak I can be at times.
Not a lot of sleep to be had lately. Sleep had always been my crutch or little safety place to retreat too where most times I could forget about my daily worries of this place. When I wasn’t tired enough to just pass out within the first ten minutes of my head touching the pillow I’d have to talk myself into sleep…well at least psyche myself up for it. Most times I’d hold the thought that I’ve accomplished much in my life and if something happened to rapidly descend from the sky onto my room and I wouldn’t wake the next day…well I’d be satisfied with how things turned out. I can’t really keep the thought anymore. I’m not feeling very satisfied or fulfilled, there’s so much more life to chase down out there. So many feelings that I haven’t realized had been so suppressed over the years. I’d thought that I had been content with how everything had worked out in the past, but I guess it was all a cover-up, a defense…somehow I just tricked myself into going through the motions. I’ve come to realize that the last time (also an October day if you can believe that)…well after the last time I sort of didn’t really look for a real relationship again. I sort of just feel into a relationship because I hadn’t wanted to be alone again…I had just wanted to try to feel something again…wanted to be a part of something that hopefully would allow me to forget. Sure, it doesn’t sound very fair to the other person you might say, but she admitted to feeling the same way sometimes. That it was hard to be alone, overseas, away from family and friends…so that sort of distraction was welcome with her and she believed that if anything did happen between us, well we’d breach that wall when we reached it. We were both aware that our time together could be short lived or at best at least until we departed the country to move towards new duty stations…so we didn’t hold any expectations over each other. After being apart and not having a strong bond together we just sort of fizzled out. I didn’t find myself looking for a relationship for a good while after that occurred. I’m starting to realize that maybe I hadn’t seen the point to it…or subconsciously thought that I didn’t want to be unavailable should the timing ever work out…and pride nor thinking that I was doing the right thing would be an option. But eventually after no contact I figured I was just forgotten and went out on the prowl again. Well half-heartedly anyways. I mean who in their right mind would isolate himself on an island where men greatly out number women and intend to look for some type of relationship? (except the women of course)…Well I did find one alright, a brother/sister, love/hate type relationship. That one took a lot out of me…took me awhile to get over her rejection of my advances which in retrospect she was clued in all along. I thought that the love might’ve been there. Well, the love certainly is there, and she’s still plays an important part in my life, but it’s a different love, still strong…but not right. I guess one of the things that keeps me up at night is looking at past patterns and I’m afraid that I may end up with this girl, just because…well see the germany thing…and I know with Madame Fate being as tricky as Pan and cruel as a man (ugg…didn’t mean for that to rhyme). That if I did find myself in that role again, then what my heart most assuredly wants would become available yet again only I wouldn’t be. But I guess what troubles me is that this time around, my gloves would be off…I’d hop ship in a moments notice and swim towards the island where I’d truly love to spend the rest of my life. Which unfortunately would leave someone else in pain. So…it’s thoughts like those that will keep me from becoming unavailable…even if the chance is miniscule I’ll wait for her and keep hope alive.
Thoughts like those above are what finally pushed me towards the gym again…Generally if I want to think or mull thoughts over in my head I’ll go for a run or long walk, but if I want to think about nothing well, that’s what weights are for. So…
Started back today. Figured it would help to keep my mind off of things, swap one pain for another and in the very least to release some endorphins. Upon entry to it’s hallowed (though stinky) halls, I was greeted by screams from Linkin Park, I guess that’s a good step into the right direction, at least it’s not Eastern Block Techno like they used to always play. Signed in and got to work trying to forget my torments.
Front squats, look in the mirror across the room, pay attention to your form, make sure you’re lowering your body low enough, keep your back straight, heels firmly planted, don’t forget to inhale on the way down and exhale on the way up. Only 9 more reps to go in this set.
I guess the good thing about working out with weights is that you have to keep your mind on the exercise that you’re performing. But there always is that minute of rest between sets where I have to concentrate to keep the thoughts from wondering about. Watch the seconds on the clock tick by, keep breathing…However, on numerous occasions I’m completely guilty of losing ten minutes between sets because my thoughts are occupied elsewhere.
So everything starts out alright. I’m in my own little world as a float around the gym going about my old routine. But at one point my ears perk up and I hear Destiny’s Child screeching that Survivor song. Was that supposed to be a sign or at least an attempt to give me some clarity? Maybe just a pure coincidence. Who knows I think as my head bobs above the water taking in a big gulp of air before diving down into the soothing dark deep again. Next time my mind comes up for air I notice that the music has turned from upbeat to slow, somber and downright depressing. You’ve got to be kidding me, what nut job plays music like that out here this early in the morning, it needs to go away…and thankfully as soon as the thought left my lobe the disc started to skip and was shortly swapped out with B2K or some other soulful even more sad sounding music. Thankfully I was finishing up and able to make my hasty retreat. You may have won today Gym, but I’ll get you to tomorrow. Not looking forward to the sore muscles that will take hold throughout the day, but I guess I do welcome the distraction that they’ll bring.
I guess the hardest part about all of this is respecting her wishes and not contacting her for the time being. I want to be there for her with all of this, but I can’t because I’m part of the problem.
So is this a catch-22 or a paradox type situation or what?
In order to show her that I care I can’t care.
Well, even if I can’t tell her I hope she knows that she has my support and I do care.