There's a kink in the armor
This is usually how it usually ends up. The high hopes dropped at its highest peak faster than the soldiers at the front. Faster than our idols and the people we've trusted. The false hopes and dreams that our lovers promised we'd have; nothing more than embellished lies dressed up and fed into our mouths every dinner time. Who is the person you're laying with. Dead weight. Tired. Bored.
They need to clean their act just as bad as they need to clear their nose. Just as bad as bad as they need honesty. Just as bad as you need them. Its all so very helpless. A dead end. A road to a clinff. But it's all so very worse, because its less than that.
There's nothing that you can get from this. You want to, and want, and want but that desire only festers and breeds insolong until it becomes a consumation so overwhelming to bear that I pray its a situation most people can see the warning signs soon enough to steer them into safety. Only the strong survive this one. Because it's the weak they are attracted to. It's the unknowing that they can sense out in a room full of people. It's the naive that they desire. It's the innocent that they hope to capture. These people; they will speak to you. Say what you wanna say. They will spit and drip everything you need to hear out of their face. Their words will be nothing but compelling. Your mind melts quicker than your heart does for them. You'll buy what they sell and youll insist to pay more. People always do. Its hopeless. This lie. The facade.
What I'm going through. It's common, I believe, even when I tell myself I'm strong and this situation I've been enduring is unique in and hard to familarize with. But I doubt it, that's self centered and unfair. That's asking for sympathy for something I've done to myself. It's not changing anything about your routine and doing the same exact thing again and still expecting sympathy. It's getting mad for getting drunk at a bar or pissed your broke because your check just loaded the pipe, it's like being upset cause you were in a car accident when you were texting. After people start to notice that, however tragic and no matter what leaps and bounds you may have been forced to make, when they recognize this story they won't waste their breath with advice because if they see you going back the believe its something you want done to you. This isn't true, by any means, though I could see how the lines could boldly be drawn to emphasize the relationship of the two, it simply isn't the motivation, reasoning, or source of anything at all. When you involve yourself with somebody it takes trust. And to find out if this relationship is really what both of you think it is neither will know til everything is said and done. Yet again, fuck chances, another shots, try agains and do-overs. Or don't fuck em and grow in your mistakes and develop yourselves further from that stepping stone. But see I keep looking at him expecting him to be modest and sincere in his gestures each time for him to spit in my face (thank god cigarettes have shot his ciliary escalator or it could be worse) demonstrates how god awful the people on this earth are to each other, and landing face first from the rug he pulled from beneath me, all unflinchingly and with a certain tone of casualty. Nothing out of the ordinary or exciting for him while I felt the earth shake beneath me. With him he kept my motivation, trust, inspiration, esteem, and narrow scope of reality that made it possible for me to believe in generosity, change, and see hope and possibility. And put the world right in front of me to stare at for the rest of my life. I hesitate to even still call it "mine."
There was a time when I hoped I was noticed. To be able to stick out among the rest and all while making it seem so effortless; to be able to compose my thoughts on impulse with words and a structure so familiar that every sentence is relative and your attention mine. Not some story that you're being forced to hear, not the venting you feel obligated as a friend to listen to, but the inner workings that you can't get enough of as you patiently wait for the next point taking it all in like a shrink but for your benefit more than mine. A scholarly wisdom that I hoped to one day bare so that we all could gain from. To speak the truth with such precision and with a speech so fluid that you'd be surprised to hear that it had not been recited, a manifesto that can only come from ones heart and aimed at another's. I wanted it to seem so casual, the person I am. An introvert that's too busy figuring himself out to mind much attention to the others that have given him their notice. Too often are my peripherals misread and my silence overlooked as a character trait I feel is unfit for this demeanor. But if the effort cannot be taken for a more honest interpretation of my person than why would the seemingly self interested wallflower waste the energy of standing you all in line and ask that you behave in an orderly fashion when it should've been taught in grade school if it wasn't already common knowledge and courtesy adopted from your parents and practiced in your household, and I feel had you not been raised by the finest role models had they been perfect and responsible during the whole of your raising we'd be looking at the same picture. Are people just naturally nosey? Bored and curious enough to go out of their way when faced with a creature that has no desire to be with the rest or involve them self with the race to be first, but somehow still manages to be a record setter. People don't like losing, and they don't like losing to people that couldn't care less about winning; even more when seemingly effortlessly. You know it's like this; if you are gonna brag you're gonna have to do it around people that care about your achievement and find you impressive and care enough to guage your ability and compare themself in the same area. Not to someone that knows about as much as what your talking about as they do the candidates running overseas or which industries are setting up In communist china being introduced to mechanics and products that we haven't seen since kids. Otherwise your gonna seem like a narcissus talking to your reflection in the lake because no one will listen. I wish it was a little harder for some of you to learn how to swim. Or swimming was more difficult.