(Untitled)

[enkorvaks]

As promised, here is version 2. Again, comments on what you think (preferably positive) are appreciated.

Ilwuz Revealed
Ilwuz: The Island of Mystery. For years, the last bastion of freedom in the Dome has remained safe, hidden from others by moving throughout the Seven Skies, jumping every 49 days. It now appears that someone, Inconceivably!, has

Comments

[enkorvaks]

Response to your points, In order.

OK, for the actual write-up, it will be '7 Skies'.

This method only gives a general location, plus Sky and (possibly) Layer. When it works, so it really is "which Sky holds the island". Given the map is small(ish), and the token is comparatively large, only a general location can be found.

Given "Action must be taken!" and "to determine what action.", I was going for "something must be done. Now we must decide what it is, before we can decide to do it or not.", however, I appreciate that spelling it out is a good move.

I did not know that 'bastion' was literally a defensive structure. I have only heard and used the term figuratively ("last bastion of...", regardless of if there was a structure or not). Maybe 'haven', maybe 'stronghold' (which I realise is much like 'bastion' in this case).

I like 'mystically teleporting' rather than 'jumping', so I will look at changing that.

The locating method does not predict the future, it reveals the present (and doesn't tell you when the transition is - It's still only the Clocklight that does that. As a result, it may not be all that useful, but it still must be stopped - someone might improve upon it.

Enjoy your Tea and Muffins.

[travisjhall]

I understand that the Ilwuzi native ability to find Ilwuz gives only a general location also, and they seem to be able to go from that to getting home readily enough. General location should be enough to cause concern on Ilwuz.

Of course, the whole idea of only the Ilwuzi being able to find Ilwuz raises the question, why not just kidnap an Ilwuzi and torture him until he gives up the location? Repeatedly, each time Ilwuz moves. After the first few capitulations, you shouldn't even need the actual torture. (That's assuming a wholy unethical seeker of Ilwuz, of course. On the other hand, how hard is it really to simply hire a traitorous Ilwuzi, if you are a relatively ethical seeker?) I'm guessing the design of the game will address those sorts of questions, though. It's not a blurb thing.

One can go too far with redundancy in a blurb. Given the context provided by the previous sentence, I think "An urgent Congress has been called to determine what action." On the other hand, you may be able to pack more flavour in: "Action must be taken! But what? A Congress will decide! The Phantom Cruiser's officers are already here, as Redbeard's Revenge drops anchor in the bay and a motley collection of traders out of Port Gulliver fret over this new peril." Hmm, the fourth sentence there is pretty run-on, but you probably get the idea from that. I don't know the detail of the game to know exactly what information need to go after the call-to-arms of "A Congress will decide!" but there's probably lots of options there.

If the POV character considers Ilwuz to defend his freedom, "bastion" is quite appropriate (though "haven" and "stronghold" can also work).

I don't like tea, but can I have muffins too? I'm sure the Pirate King has enough for me.

[reverancepavane]

Rumour does tend to run rampant, especially when shouting woe and despair, and is fairly parsimonious with the truth. So exaggerating the capability expressed by this rumour might be good way to lather the pirates into a frenzy of worry. Depends on how much fear that their refuge may be in danger - any moment now! - you want to provoke. You can even have a reasoned voice point out that it might not be as bad as they fear, only to be constantly derided.
A bastion is one of those arrowhead emplacements that became popular in castles and fortresses once cannon were invented. It helps deflect incoming shots and allow enfilade fire along the walls of the castle.* [Although some castles from early periods had them to provide enfilade fire, they weren't that popular and towers were generally used instead (although a tower is best used to increase the defensive aspect of a corner).]
Stronghold is good as well. It's just whenever I think of bastion I have the mental image of actually mounting the wall to defend against attackers. Probably a personal thing. Like the proper use of "commando" and "forlorn hope."
Channelling Chad and Fred again, I pass their thanks onto you. It was something they were both quite adamant about from early in the playtest process.
Still looking for the Pirate King! I'm sure the muffins will be delicious.
Orationem pulchram non habens, scribo ista linea in lingua mortua!
[* Technically a castle is a fortified stronghold, not a fortress. It's deigned to maintain offensive operations in a hostile environment, and not designed to be attacked. However an attacker could not afford to leave such a stronghold behind them and thus was forced to besige it, building lines of both circumcallation (and possibly contravallation). Once gunpowder started changing tactics in a major way, castles stopped being as useful and instead field fortifications became the standard of the day - something that the enemy would be forced to attack. Since then the shovel has been the soldiers constant companion.]