[OTC] I should have...
[Lilith is not binding to any muse.]
She tried not to be an easy target. She tried to keep her chin up, to still be Bela Talbot, the woman who stared down Gordon Walker without even blinking, who shot Sam Winchester to prove a point, who stole the Colt right out from under the Winchesters' noses. She tried to be the woman she’d come to be, even when she felt the hooks dig into her skin, she didn’t scream. She wasn’t that scared girl who Lilith had offered to take all her problems away. She was a woman. She’d grown up in ten years to earn a little responsibility for herself and her actions. She’d dug this hole for herself, but she was going to be damned if they heard her beg for relief from what she’d earned for herself. No matter what button they pushed, what move they tried to make, she wouldn’t give them anything they didn’t already have. She wasn’t going to let them earn her dignity along with it.
But that had changed, and oh, it’d changed quickly. How’d she’d gone from the person who was willing to stare them in the eye to the one she saw before her now, knees pulled to her chest as she huddled in the corner of the room, the old familiar bedroom that she had pushed from her mind long ago that was now being dragged to the surface again in full force. How she had fallen so easily in a few short months-no, it couldn’t have been months, it had to have been years. Years of torment and pain where she’d managed to keep her head held high and not let them see her pain, not let them see her fear, but even the strongest man in the world couldn’t hold up forever. Not when faced with the thing that motivated them to be strong to begin with.
Regardless of the time it took, they had found it. Her Achilles heel, the thing that would leave her begging-the soft quivering underbelly of the façade that was Bela Talbot. They now had what they wanted. Abby. The scared girl who’d made that deal all those years ago, who was now falling apart when confronted with her own past, and the one thing that she would move heaven and earth to still be able to hide.
She felt the scratch of mesh and polyester against her arm, and then heard the flop of someone sitting down next to her. She knew who it was, she didn’t need to look. She always came in at this point, when her father’s hands finally started wandering to places where they stopped being fatherly, and she was forced to listen to her young self’s pleas for him to stop. To try and tell him that they shouldn’t be doing this. This wasn’t right.
I can make them stop, you know.
Her voice never had any real sound to it, just the voice of a small child echoing on the insides of her mind. She didn’t even have to turn and look at her any more. She knew the child’s inquisitive eyes were watching her every move, and she just couldn’t bring herself to meet the eyes of the demon who had put her in this position to begin with.
“Of course you could,” she whispered, tears starting to stream down her cheek that were no longer held in place of her own control, just letting them fall down her face as she watched the scene play out in front of her. “I have no doubt of that.”
I do need something from you.
She wanted a confession. An omission. Something that would bring to light all that she has paid for with regards to her sins, what she could have done to prevent herself from being led to this place, this place where she wasn’t even in control of her own emotions any more. She shook her head slightly, and the voice changed from it’s usual demanding tone to coaxing. Soothing.
He didn’t love you, Abby. I do. I want to help you. Just give me what I need.
“I-”
Just say it for me.
Bela could hear hints of demand starting to creep back into her words, but she didn’t blink, just continued to stare, to watch as her memories came to life and played themselves out in a twisted scene in front of her. This time it was the first time, the time when she had fought back to the most, not understanding what he was trying to do to her, or how she was supposed to react. Bela just watched for a minute, before shaking her head.
“I can’t.”
It’s easy. I should have killed…
“I should have-” Her voice broke and she swallowed, shaking her head and trying her best to look away. “-I can’t-”
I should have killed…
“I should have killed-”
There you are, almost there.
“I should have killed Sa-” Her voice broke again on the name, trying to force it from her throat, but failing. She couldn’t say it. She wanted to, she desperately wanted to, but there was nothing she could to get the name from her lips. She took a deep breath, before her voice came out in the hushed whisper, unable to speak anything but the truth. “I should have killed you when I had the chance.”
At first there was silence. Nothing but a long silence that had Bela’s heart pounding, and her whole body shaking. She tried to find some kind fortitude inside of herself to hold on to, grasping onto the few strings that she had left. She finally turned to meet the eyes of the child, expecting to find anger, but instead finding nothing. No sympathy, no remorse, nothing but blank empty eyes of the one who had taken her life from her when she was too young to realize what was happening. She opened her mouth, trying to find the words to plead for some kind of forgiveness, but she already knew it was too late, and there was nothing left for her to do but wait for the punishment to come down for disobeying what the lady of the realm had ordered of her.
Maybe we should start again.
1053 words
She tried not to be an easy target. She tried to keep her chin up, to still be Bela Talbot, the woman who stared down Gordon Walker without even blinking, who shot Sam Winchester to prove a point, who stole the Colt right out from under the Winchesters' noses. She tried to be the woman she’d come to be, even when she felt the hooks dig into her skin, she didn’t scream. She wasn’t that scared girl who Lilith had offered to take all her problems away. She was a woman. She’d grown up in ten years to earn a little responsibility for herself and her actions. She’d dug this hole for herself, but she was going to be damned if they heard her beg for relief from what she’d earned for herself. No matter what button they pushed, what move they tried to make, she wouldn’t give them anything they didn’t already have. She wasn’t going to let them earn her dignity along with it.
But that had changed, and oh, it’d changed quickly. How’d she’d gone from the person who was willing to stare them in the eye to the one she saw before her now, knees pulled to her chest as she huddled in the corner of the room, the old familiar bedroom that she had pushed from her mind long ago that was now being dragged to the surface again in full force. How she had fallen so easily in a few short months-no, it couldn’t have been months, it had to have been years. Years of torment and pain where she’d managed to keep her head held high and not let them see her pain, not let them see her fear, but even the strongest man in the world couldn’t hold up forever. Not when faced with the thing that motivated them to be strong to begin with.
Regardless of the time it took, they had found it. Her Achilles heel, the thing that would leave her begging-the soft quivering underbelly of the façade that was Bela Talbot. They now had what they wanted. Abby. The scared girl who’d made that deal all those years ago, who was now falling apart when confronted with her own past, and the one thing that she would move heaven and earth to still be able to hide.
She felt the scratch of mesh and polyester against her arm, and then heard the flop of someone sitting down next to her. She knew who it was, she didn’t need to look. She always came in at this point, when her father’s hands finally started wandering to places where they stopped being fatherly, and she was forced to listen to her young self’s pleas for him to stop. To try and tell him that they shouldn’t be doing this. This wasn’t right.
I can make them stop, you know.
Her voice never had any real sound to it, just the voice of a small child echoing on the insides of her mind. She didn’t even have to turn and look at her any more. She knew the child’s inquisitive eyes were watching her every move, and she just couldn’t bring herself to meet the eyes of the demon who had put her in this position to begin with.
“Of course you could,” she whispered, tears starting to stream down her cheek that were no longer held in place of her own control, just letting them fall down her face as she watched the scene play out in front of her. “I have no doubt of that.”
I do need something from you.
She wanted a confession. An omission. Something that would bring to light all that she has paid for with regards to her sins, what she could have done to prevent herself from being led to this place, this place where she wasn’t even in control of her own emotions any more. She shook her head slightly, and the voice changed from it’s usual demanding tone to coaxing. Soothing.
He didn’t love you, Abby. I do. I want to help you. Just give me what I need.
“I-”
Just say it for me.
Bela could hear hints of demand starting to creep back into her words, but she didn’t blink, just continued to stare, to watch as her memories came to life and played themselves out in a twisted scene in front of her. This time it was the first time, the time when she had fought back to the most, not understanding what he was trying to do to her, or how she was supposed to react. Bela just watched for a minute, before shaking her head.
“I can’t.”
It’s easy. I should have killed…
“I should have-” Her voice broke and she swallowed, shaking her head and trying her best to look away. “-I can’t-”
I should have killed…
“I should have killed-”
There you are, almost there.
“I should have killed Sa-” Her voice broke again on the name, trying to force it from her throat, but failing. She couldn’t say it. She wanted to, she desperately wanted to, but there was nothing she could to get the name from her lips. She took a deep breath, before her voice came out in the hushed whisper, unable to speak anything but the truth. “I should have killed you when I had the chance.”
At first there was silence. Nothing but a long silence that had Bela’s heart pounding, and her whole body shaking. She tried to find some kind fortitude inside of herself to hold on to, grasping onto the few strings that she had left. She finally turned to meet the eyes of the child, expecting to find anger, but instead finding nothing. No sympathy, no remorse, nothing but blank empty eyes of the one who had taken her life from her when she was too young to realize what was happening. She opened her mouth, trying to find the words to plead for some kind of forgiveness, but she already knew it was too late, and there was nothing left for her to do but wait for the punishment to come down for disobeying what the lady of the realm had ordered of her.
Maybe we should start again.
1053 words