charloft } { 11. Gluttony
[Set in paradisa. verydistinctive is used with permission and love, and this isn’t really relevant for a while but she wouldn’t let me not write it, so.]
It hits you one morning, and suddenly you know.
You’ve known for a while that this place isn’t meant to last forever. You count the days, watch as one year passes, then two, and you think that maybe this place is the save that you were looking for. All that time, all that running, and really all that you needed was to be kidnapped by a magical castle. There are some days where you forget, pretend that this is forever and you really did win by getting wisped away, but there’s a part of you that knows that’s a lie. People come and go all the time, returning to the lives that they left behind with no memory of the time they spent here, however happy or sad it may be.
You won’t be going back to your life, though. You don’t have a life to go back to.
It’s not a real awareness, not really. It’s just a nagging feeling in the back of your mind that tells you you’re not much longer for the castle. It’s an anxiety, the same kind of feeling that you got when you started fighting a battle you knew you were going to lose, and it makes it all that much harder to accept that this is happening. There are so many things you have here, so many people that you care about, and it’s the fact that you have people and a life to cling to that makes this all the harder. One the one hand, you’re glad that you’ll forget. You know that Hell will twist this into something that you’ll hate and that is not what you want.
On the other hand, forgetting seems like the worst possible thing in the world. It isn’t just a castle that you’re forgetting. It’s a life, a world that you’ve never had, and you get this tiny little taste before it all falls away. And in that tiny little taste you got someone. Someone who looks out for you, and protects you, even if you probably don’t need it. It is a nice feeling. Actually, it’s rather brilliant feeling you’re sorry you didn’t have before.
You want more. You don’t want to give it up. But it’s not your choice to make, and you know that. The castle is done with you, and you have one last chance to take in everything you can before it’s gone. You take off work, sneak down to the Lux, and you know that it might take more to get him to let the ghosts run the kitchen for the day, but it won’t be too hard. It’s selfish, but you know he’ll do a lot for you without needing to ask much. He loves you. It’s never been explicitly said, but it’s there. You can see at least that much, and you know how to get him to do what you want. It’s not an advantage you take often, but this is your last chance, and if you don’t do it now, when will you.
You’re given one day. It’s not enough, but it’s what you get.
When that day is over, he sleeps, but you don’t. It’s an odd switch, seeing him like this. Usually you’re the one sleeping through the night, and probably more than you should have. You regret that now, for all the time you could have had. It doesn’t matter now. Your time is almost up, and if there are things to say, they need to be said now.
But they won’t be. Not like this. You’ve kept quiet about them for this long, saying them now would be cheap. You’ll just have to hope that he knows. He always seemed to know you better than you would like, and right now you’re considering that more of an asset than anything else. You curl in closer, burying yourself against him and brushing a soft kiss to his cheek. “Thank you,” you whisper, because that’s all you really can say right then. Then you close your eyes, take a breath, and wait for whatever is going to come.
It may not have been a lot of time between you and the hole you dug yourself into, but it was something. Something was better than nothing at all.
715 words
It hits you one morning, and suddenly you know.
You’ve known for a while that this place isn’t meant to last forever. You count the days, watch as one year passes, then two, and you think that maybe this place is the save that you were looking for. All that time, all that running, and really all that you needed was to be kidnapped by a magical castle. There are some days where you forget, pretend that this is forever and you really did win by getting wisped away, but there’s a part of you that knows that’s a lie. People come and go all the time, returning to the lives that they left behind with no memory of the time they spent here, however happy or sad it may be.
You won’t be going back to your life, though. You don’t have a life to go back to.
It’s not a real awareness, not really. It’s just a nagging feeling in the back of your mind that tells you you’re not much longer for the castle. It’s an anxiety, the same kind of feeling that you got when you started fighting a battle you knew you were going to lose, and it makes it all that much harder to accept that this is happening. There are so many things you have here, so many people that you care about, and it’s the fact that you have people and a life to cling to that makes this all the harder. One the one hand, you’re glad that you’ll forget. You know that Hell will twist this into something that you’ll hate and that is not what you want.
On the other hand, forgetting seems like the worst possible thing in the world. It isn’t just a castle that you’re forgetting. It’s a life, a world that you’ve never had, and you get this tiny little taste before it all falls away. And in that tiny little taste you got someone. Someone who looks out for you, and protects you, even if you probably don’t need it. It is a nice feeling. Actually, it’s rather brilliant feeling you’re sorry you didn’t have before.
You want more. You don’t want to give it up. But it’s not your choice to make, and you know that. The castle is done with you, and you have one last chance to take in everything you can before it’s gone. You take off work, sneak down to the Lux, and you know that it might take more to get him to let the ghosts run the kitchen for the day, but it won’t be too hard. It’s selfish, but you know he’ll do a lot for you without needing to ask much. He loves you. It’s never been explicitly said, but it’s there. You can see at least that much, and you know how to get him to do what you want. It’s not an advantage you take often, but this is your last chance, and if you don’t do it now, when will you.
You’re given one day. It’s not enough, but it’s what you get.
When that day is over, he sleeps, but you don’t. It’s an odd switch, seeing him like this. Usually you’re the one sleeping through the night, and probably more than you should have. You regret that now, for all the time you could have had. It doesn’t matter now. Your time is almost up, and if there are things to say, they need to be said now.
But they won’t be. Not like this. You’ve kept quiet about them for this long, saying them now would be cheap. You’ll just have to hope that he knows. He always seemed to know you better than you would like, and right now you’re considering that more of an asset than anything else. You curl in closer, burying yourself against him and brushing a soft kiss to his cheek. “Thank you,” you whisper, because that’s all you really can say right then. Then you close your eyes, take a breath, and wait for whatever is going to come.
It may not have been a lot of time between you and the hole you dug yourself into, but it was something. Something was better than nothing at all.
715 words