(no subject)
i never thought i'd feel as low as i do now. lately i've been feeling lower than i ever been. the things i do, the things i say...it all tears me apart inside. everything i experience, those around me feel it too. "emotional rollercoaster," is that what it's called? i'm feelin' more like an emotional breakdown. just six months ago i was on top of my game. i knew more of what i wanted then as a 17 year old. now here i am...i bet she never thought it would lead to this. had she known, would she be in this relationship with me? would she still have taken that step to be right by my side? who knows. nobody ever will. i'm not on a search for someone to understand me, i don't care about that i mean after all the 'greatest' were always misunderstood BUT i have turned into an individual who breaks all promises therefore there's no common sense in even trying to understand. i'm hardly ever 'there,' i'm honestly in a state of disrepair. tears, hurt & fight. yea that's all because of me, that's what i've turned our relationship into. i have the most amazing girlfriend yet i treat her like i don't think anything of her. i tell her how i feel and it probably sounds like straight up lies because i show something different. i never thought i'd be on this side of the table. i never thought i'd be the "bad" girlfriend, the one who treats the other like shit. yea well, i guess never say never. everytime i try to pull myself up from down below, it just starts all over again. it just turns into a cycle, a pattern...a feeling of self-destruction. something i realized lately...the closer you get to me the more i hurt you. it's as simple as that. do you know how much i hate that? i know you can control so much within in yourself and i was always the first one to say that. but someway, somehow i just can't control the negative that pulling me down. internally i try so hard yet the results show something different. i guess it is true, never judge a book by its cover. i care more than you think i do. i feel like i've been causing mostly unhappiness and i've been more selfish than ever before. am i throwing myself away? i don't want to throw anything away but slowly i think i am.