(no subject)
I have issues. one of my primary issues currently is how whenever I want something and I get it I quickly get bored with it and don't want it anymore. The typical spoiled only child syndrome. Now in most circumstances this is annoying but not hindering, i.e. yes you're going to go back and buy that second pair of shoes because the first ones got tedious, no harm done save to your wallet.
However when this tendency creeps into other realms such as those of relationships trouble rapidly sets in.
I have a friend, this friend and I occasionally have not bad sex (I mean not the best but not the worst, decent. about a 7 out of 10. I'm not throwing any parties or writing home about it but I'm not turning up my nose at it either) and hang out absolutely ALL the time. We do everything together and I love spending time with him. He says he likes having me around too so we go to movies and out to dinner and have heaps of the same friends and drink and blah blah blah. Anyway the other night I got with someone other than him in front of him. It did worry me and I felt bad about it, I felt like I'd cheated on him. Apparently he felt like I'd cheated on him too and many bad feelings ensued. I need to clearly point out here that I did NOT sleep with this other guy and the psuedo fight did lead to excellent angry sex but that's beside the point.
Anyway this made him think about how he feels about me and I must admit I did the same. I decided that I do care about him but the ultimate point is that I am just plain old not physically attracted to him. Heaps of girls are and that's fair enough and I love his personality but as far as finding him attractive goes, I just don't. I also want to preserve his friendship and going along with my earlier point about my tendency to toss out my old toys I am reluctant to even get into a "comfortable love" relationship with him.
We had a conversation about it over a lovely Japanese dinner the other night and I thought it was all sorted that we would stay how we are and seeing as we're practically in a relationship (albeit an unspoke one) so everything would be hunky-dory and we could go on as we are and I wouldn't get bored and we'd never have to break up. I don't do emotional attachments well, they just don't work for me. They've NEVER worked for me. That's why I had my first third base with a friend of mine who I know would never want me, and I had sex for the first time with a guy I didn't want to date. I don't like fully sharing myself with people because in the end you will always get hurt no matter what the situation is. Whether you live together and share your lives for 80 years one of you is inevitably going to die and that will hurt the other person or you'll be together for 6 months and get bored and THAT will hurt the both of you so I just don't see why I should let myself get injured like that. If you get a pre-warning shouldn't you heed it?
Back to the story this guy is off in Brisbane tonight and was last night at his 10 year high school reunion and has been calling me non-stop which I'm used to and I do to him too when we're not together but now he's BEYOND smashed and has decided that he loves me and he has feelings for me and blah-dy blah-dy blah. Ugh. I don't want to have this conversation. I really don't. If I say I don't want a relationship with him he'll be hurt and things will change even though I'll be telling the truth. If I say I do want a relationship with him on some level I'll be lying and down the line I'LL get hurt and maybe he will too. If I try to ignore it and um and uh like I did the other night things will be weird because we'll both know one of us decidedly wants the other one and then down the track somewhere we'll have to have that discussion anyway so I'm just confused. Why can't this sort of thing be easy? Why can't I feel about him like I felt about Sam. I fully would have spent ages as Sam's girlfriend, married him and had his babies but he didn't want that and now this guy DOES and I don't. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
The moral of the story: choose your casual sex parteners well, it can lead to feelings.
Oh yeah and don't be me, that always helps too ;)
P.S. I don't want to sound like I'm whinging cause I'm not I'm glad I have him in my life I just would prefer it if things were different but they arn't so I have to figure out what to do.
P.P.S. Jenny I know you're reading this and feeling cheated cause I didn't send it to you in an e-mail but pretend this is an e-mail and write me a response ok? Love you mwa
However when this tendency creeps into other realms such as those of relationships trouble rapidly sets in.
I have a friend, this friend and I occasionally have not bad sex (I mean not the best but not the worst, decent. about a 7 out of 10. I'm not throwing any parties or writing home about it but I'm not turning up my nose at it either) and hang out absolutely ALL the time. We do everything together and I love spending time with him. He says he likes having me around too so we go to movies and out to dinner and have heaps of the same friends and drink and blah blah blah. Anyway the other night I got with someone other than him in front of him. It did worry me and I felt bad about it, I felt like I'd cheated on him. Apparently he felt like I'd cheated on him too and many bad feelings ensued. I need to clearly point out here that I did NOT sleep with this other guy and the psuedo fight did lead to excellent angry sex but that's beside the point.
Anyway this made him think about how he feels about me and I must admit I did the same. I decided that I do care about him but the ultimate point is that I am just plain old not physically attracted to him. Heaps of girls are and that's fair enough and I love his personality but as far as finding him attractive goes, I just don't. I also want to preserve his friendship and going along with my earlier point about my tendency to toss out my old toys I am reluctant to even get into a "comfortable love" relationship with him.
We had a conversation about it over a lovely Japanese dinner the other night and I thought it was all sorted that we would stay how we are and seeing as we're practically in a relationship (albeit an unspoke one) so everything would be hunky-dory and we could go on as we are and I wouldn't get bored and we'd never have to break up. I don't do emotional attachments well, they just don't work for me. They've NEVER worked for me. That's why I had my first third base with a friend of mine who I know would never want me, and I had sex for the first time with a guy I didn't want to date. I don't like fully sharing myself with people because in the end you will always get hurt no matter what the situation is. Whether you live together and share your lives for 80 years one of you is inevitably going to die and that will hurt the other person or you'll be together for 6 months and get bored and THAT will hurt the both of you so I just don't see why I should let myself get injured like that. If you get a pre-warning shouldn't you heed it?
Back to the story this guy is off in Brisbane tonight and was last night at his 10 year high school reunion and has been calling me non-stop which I'm used to and I do to him too when we're not together but now he's BEYOND smashed and has decided that he loves me and he has feelings for me and blah-dy blah-dy blah. Ugh. I don't want to have this conversation. I really don't. If I say I don't want a relationship with him he'll be hurt and things will change even though I'll be telling the truth. If I say I do want a relationship with him on some level I'll be lying and down the line I'LL get hurt and maybe he will too. If I try to ignore it and um and uh like I did the other night things will be weird because we'll both know one of us decidedly wants the other one and then down the track somewhere we'll have to have that discussion anyway so I'm just confused. Why can't this sort of thing be easy? Why can't I feel about him like I felt about Sam. I fully would have spent ages as Sam's girlfriend, married him and had his babies but he didn't want that and now this guy DOES and I don't. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
The moral of the story: choose your casual sex parteners well, it can lead to feelings.
Oh yeah and don't be me, that always helps too ;)
P.S. I don't want to sound like I'm whinging cause I'm not I'm glad I have him in my life I just would prefer it if things were different but they arn't so I have to figure out what to do.
P.P.S. Jenny I know you're reading this and feeling cheated cause I didn't send it to you in an e-mail but pretend this is an e-mail and write me a response ok? Love you mwa