begging the question
I know I shouldn't be pouring my sentiments here. But the only person who knows about my identity dilemma (yes, I've finally told someone. but she's not my best friend or anything. I purposely decided to confide in someone I wasn't uber close to --- for obvious reasons) is the busiest person in the world (her deadlines are all over the place). And so, I find myself logging into enigmatic_lad once again.
The past months have drastically changed me. I think I've become more open to who I really am and what I want in life (and love). I'm still the eternal past-dwelling wishful thinker (how paradoxical). But at least I've learned to accept my other options.
I downloaded the gay themed movie Trick this afternoon. I'm pretty sure you guys have heard about it (maybe even watched it). The chemistry between the main characters is amazing. And their overnight romantic story is just wow. I'd love to experience something like that: meeting someone on the street --- or just anywhere, a stranger who'll sweep me off my feet (or I could do that to him --- see, I'm more open to using specific pronouns now lol). I remember a video I watched on youtube. Two strangers met on a bus (both turned out to be gay), 6 years later they're getting married. A part of me wants something like that. But there are also a gazillion reasons stopping me from realizing it.
I'm not sure why I even thought of watching sappy romantic films such as Trick. After watching it once (and after roughly 3 hours of downloading the whole thing), I deleted it. It was a really good film, but in the end, I felt sad --- not because it had a bad ending --- but I felt sad for me. Because I could never have that. At least, for now, I don't think so. Shallow, but I was afraid that if I kept that movie file in my hard drive, I'd keep watching the scenes with lines that would make any guy's heart melt --- or their kiss scene which punctuates the whole thing.
And so I'm lonely.
I was on (as usual) a casual date with the girl I loved from high school (we're steady that way lol --- impulsive saturday dates). We were playing a game over coffee. We could ask anything to the other person and the other should answer. It could be a vague answer with no explanations. And so she asked me: if you had it your way, what would you do right now to change your life?
I said: If I could just decide, I'd probably be in another relationship very soon.
PS: After a very long time, I decided to check my ex-boyfriend's (see, I can type it now) friendster account. From his photos, I think he's seriously seeing someone. Oh well. I'm not stuck on him (oh goodness, I wouldn't end it if I was), I'm just stuck lol. Why can't I move on like everybody else?
Don't get me wrong, just for the sake of argument, I think bisexual (I told you I'm more comfortable typing it haha --- and yeah I do enjoy repeating that little fact) would be a fair category --- I mean, I still think Eva Green is hot and I have a plethora of female crushes in school. But why is there a part of me that thinks she (high school girl) is the only person who's holding me back from going to the 'alternative' direction? Does that mean that if I stop having strong feelings for her, I would finally...
?
The past months have drastically changed me. I think I've become more open to who I really am and what I want in life (and love). I'm still the eternal past-dwelling wishful thinker (how paradoxical). But at least I've learned to accept my other options.
I downloaded the gay themed movie Trick this afternoon. I'm pretty sure you guys have heard about it (maybe even watched it). The chemistry between the main characters is amazing. And their overnight romantic story is just wow. I'd love to experience something like that: meeting someone on the street --- or just anywhere, a stranger who'll sweep me off my feet (or I could do that to him --- see, I'm more open to using specific pronouns now lol). I remember a video I watched on youtube. Two strangers met on a bus (both turned out to be gay), 6 years later they're getting married. A part of me wants something like that. But there are also a gazillion reasons stopping me from realizing it.
I'm not sure why I even thought of watching sappy romantic films such as Trick. After watching it once (and after roughly 3 hours of downloading the whole thing), I deleted it. It was a really good film, but in the end, I felt sad --- not because it had a bad ending --- but I felt sad for me. Because I could never have that. At least, for now, I don't think so. Shallow, but I was afraid that if I kept that movie file in my hard drive, I'd keep watching the scenes with lines that would make any guy's heart melt --- or their kiss scene which punctuates the whole thing.
And so I'm lonely.
I was on (as usual) a casual date with the girl I loved from high school (we're steady that way lol --- impulsive saturday dates). We were playing a game over coffee. We could ask anything to the other person and the other should answer. It could be a vague answer with no explanations. And so she asked me: if you had it your way, what would you do right now to change your life?
I said: If I could just decide, I'd probably be in another relationship very soon.
PS: After a very long time, I decided to check my ex-boyfriend's (see, I can type it now) friendster account. From his photos, I think he's seriously seeing someone. Oh well. I'm not stuck on him (oh goodness, I wouldn't end it if I was), I'm just stuck lol. Why can't I move on like everybody else?
Don't get me wrong, just for the sake of argument, I think bisexual (I told you I'm more comfortable typing it haha --- and yeah I do enjoy repeating that little fact) would be a fair category --- I mean, I still think Eva Green is hot and I have a plethora of female crushes in school. But why is there a part of me that thinks she (high school girl) is the only person who's holding me back from going to the 'alternative' direction? Does that mean that if I stop having strong feelings for her, I would finally...
?