The Hour I First Believed
The Hour I First Believed
Author: enigmaticblue
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters; too bad, so sad.
Pairings/Characters: Dean/Castiel, Sam
Spoilers: Through 6.22, and a sequel to Grace Will Lead Us Home, and part of my Grace ‘verse.
Word Count: ~4250
Summary: The trick is finding a new normal.
A/N: At this point, I consider the series complete, although I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of more.
Cas fidgets silently in the passenger seat, his forehead resting against the window, eyes open but unseeing.
Dean glances at him, sensing his anxiety, but with no idea how to help. “When you get there, you should pick the biggest, meanest dog.”
“I don’t think it works like that,” Cas replies, keeping his forehead pressed against the glass.
Dean wishes Cas would look at him, and recognizes the wish as futile and stupid-Cas is never going to look at him again, and Dean still feels a pang of sorrow every time he remembers that fact.
“Still,” Dean says. “You need a big, manly dog.”
“And how would I know which one to choose?”
“Fair point.”
Cas’ fingers drum nervously against his leg, and Dean searches for something to say to ease his mind.
“We can still turn around,” Dean says. “We’ll go find a big German Shepard, maybe a pit bull. No one would mess with a pit bull.”
“We agreed that this was the best course of action,” Cas says dully.
“That doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind now,” Dean insists.
Cas finally lifts his head and turns toward Dean, his eyes still the same dark blue, even if they don’t quite meet Dean’s. “You were the one who said I needed to get out more, and that I needed a dog.”
Dean’s beginning to think that he might have been wrong, at least about Cas getting out more-not about the dog. They still haven’t found the guy who kidnapped Cas, and while Dean would like to be with Cas full-time, it’s not a possibility.
Cas needs his freedom, and his independence, and Dean can put aside his own desires to make sure Cas gets what he needs-especially since Dean isn’t going to give up hunting any time soon.
“Hey,” Dean says, and reaches for Cas’ hand. “If it’s not working out, if you hate it, you call me, and I’ll come get you, no matter where I am.”
Cas manages a smile. “It’s not even a month, Dean.”
Oddly enough, Dean suspects that he’s the one who’s having a hard time with the idea of so long a separation, whereas Cas is more worried about dealing with all the new people, out of his comfort zone.
“Doesn’t matter,” Dean says. “Just promise you’ll call me if you need me.”
Cas’ sets his jaw stubbornly. “I promise,” he says, but Dean can hear the unspoken, “I won’t.”
They’re approaching the school now, and Dean is terribly reluctant to let Cas go. He likes to keep those he loves close, and he’s feeling overwhelmingly protective of Cas these days.
Still, they’ve had one fight about it; Dean isn’t going to risk another one now.
“Do you want me to go in with you?” Dean asks.
For a moment, Dean thinks Cas will object, but then he nods. “Yes. Thank you.”
“No problem,” Dean replies. “I’d like to see where you’re staying.”
They check in, and the receptionist says, “Marty will show you where you’re staying, Cas. As I’m sure you’ve already heard, we have an open campus policy, so your friend can visit, and you can visit the town.”
Cas grimaces, and Dean feels worried all over again. Cas has become something of a hermit over the last few months, and he rarely interacts with anyone other than Dean, Sam, and Bobby.
Marty is a friendly guy in his thirties who shakes Cas’ hand and then Dean’s. “This is a great place,” he enthuses. “You’re going to love it here.”
Cas’ expression suggests that he isn’t buying it, but Dean’s seen for himself how attached Cas is to his own space.
The room is nicer than most of the motel rooms that Dean’s stayed in-decent sized, with a nice bed, TV, and private bathroom. And if Marty is any example, the place is full of friendly, conscientious people who will look after Cas.
It makes Dean feel better, because he knows that there’s no way for that bastard who grabbed Cas to reach him-not that he would have any reason to know that Cas is in Rochester, Michigan, at a school for the blind. But Cas will be surrounded by people, and he’ll be safer here than he would be on his own while Dean’s out on a hunt.
Dean feels a little better about leaving Cas-or he would, if Cas weren’t so obviously freaked out.
“You should probably go,” Cas says after they’ve explored the room, his chin tilted up, looking so determinedly brave that Dean has to reach out and pull him in, pressing his lips to Cas’ in a warm, sweet kiss.
“You’re going to do great,” Dean promises. “I’ll see you in four weeks.”
Cas manages a real smile for him, placing his hands over Dean’s where they bracket Cas’ face. “Yes, you will.”
“Just-keep in touch, okay?” Dean says.
Cas reaches out to trace the line of Dean’s jaw and his lips in a tender gesture that Dean somehow doesn’t mind. “Of course,” he promises.
And this time, there is no hidden meaning, only Cas’ promise.
~~~~~
Dean stays busy. They don’t even bother passing through Sioux Falls, because Bobby’s looking after Cas’ place while he’s away, and one hunt leads into the next.
Cas calls every couple of nights, though, leaving a message when Dean can’t answer.
Sam, of course, teases him mercilessly. “You know, when I tried to get you to talk to Cas again, I didn’t think you guys would actually start dating,” he says one night while they’re driving back to their motel after ganking a demon.
“We’re not exactly dating,” Dean hedges, because they never go out. They go to Bobby’s, or Dean will bring by a pizza or takeout, but they don’t date, mostly because Cas is wary of people, and Dean doesn’t have the first idea how to go about dating an ex-angel, one who’s in a man’s body.
It might be easier if Cas were in a woman’s body, but then he wouldn’t be Cas, so Dean doesn’t mind all that much.
“Could have fooled me,” Sam says with a smirk. “You should take him out for dinner sometime.”
Dean shakes his head. “He’s weird about that sort of thing.”
“Or do you just not want to be seen with a guy?” Sam counters.
Dean has wondered the same thing himself. “It’s not that,” he insists. “We didn’t-ever since he got grabbed, Cas hasn’t liked leaving the house.”
“He didn’t like leaving it before,” Sam replies. “He would if he had to, but I think it’s hard on him.”
Dean pulls up in front of the Sam Austin Motor Lodge on the edge of Winsome, Texas-and Dean would really like to know who named the town, because they were clearly off their rocker at the time. The town is definitely not “winsome” by anyone’s definition.
He should probably tell Cas about that-Cas would get a kick out of it.
Dean pulls his attention back to Sam with some effort. “Yeah, well, that’s what the guide dog is supposed to help with.”
“It’s not just to rip the throat out of anybody who tries to grab him when you’re not around?” Sam asks archly.
“Shut up, Sam,” he says, although without much heat.
Sam just grins at him. “No, really, you two are adorable together.”
“Seriously, shut up,” Dean replies and gets out of the car, closing the car door a little harder than is strictly necessary.
“Come on,” Sam says as he climbs out of the passenger seat. “You weren’t the one stuck as the go-between for two years.”
“It wasn’t quite two years,” Dean protests, but Sam has a point.
Sam just rolls his eyes. “You should call him back.”
Dean hesitates. “It’s late.”
“So? Leave a message,” Sam replies. “I’m taking first shower anyway.”
Dean watches his brother disappear into their motel room, and then hits 3 on speed dial. As expected, he gets sent straight to voice mail, which means Cas has turned in for the night. “Hey,” Dean says, clearing his throat. “Uh, we got the demon, and we’re both in one piece, so that’s good. Sorry I missed your call.”
He has no idea what to say after that. He’s never been good at this-but he wants to try. “I’ll talk to you soon,” he says. “And I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”
Dean leans against the hood of the Impala and tips his head back to look at the stars-stars that Cas will never see.
He thinks about it more than he should, probably-about what Cas will never see, about what he’s missing.
About wishing he could have Cas back the way he was, in a way, and at the same time, grateful Cas is human, because while the feelings have probably been there for a long time, Dean doesn’t think he could have done anything about it while Cas was still an angel.
Still, he wishes Cas could have come through all this unscathed, that he could come on the road with them, and that Dean wouldn’t always be forced to leave him behind.
Dean’s finally found someone he wants to spend more than a night or two with, and it’s an impossibility for completely different reasons.
He enters the motel room just as Sam emerges from the bathroom in a cloud of steam, a towel wrapped around his waist.
“Shower’s all yours,” Sam says as Dean strips off his jacket and tosses it over the end of the bed.
“Thanks.”
“Dean.” Sam pauses. “Look, I’m happy for you-both of you.”
Dean nods, and summons a smile. “I know. I just-I don’t know how this is supposed to work.”
Sam shrugs. “It’s easy. We hunt, and you see Cas when you can. You make your time together count.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Dean replies.
It doesn’t feel that easy, though.
~~~~~
A week later, they’re driving north to Rochester to pick Cas up, hitting the edge of town in the late afternoon. Dean would have liked to be there earlier, but the last case took longer than he’d anticipated, and they’d had to drive straight through from Oklahoma.
Sam happens to be behind the wheel when they get into town, and he wakes Dean up for directions since Dean’s been there before.
“I’ll wait out here,” Sam says as he parks.
“I won’t be long,” Dean promises.
When he stops by reception and asks for Cas, the lady with the nametag that reads “Rebecca” smile and nods. “Cas should be in the rec room. He likes using his computer in there.”
“Thanks,” Dean says, and follows the hallway to the large, sunny room, with windows all along one wall.
There are a couple of guys sitting in a corner, chatting quietly, each of them with a dog next to him. Dean scans the room and finds Cas sitting near a window, facing out, almost as though he can see what’s beyond the glass. He looks good, too-his face has filled out some, like he’s put on weight, and his expression is serene.
The dog sitting next to him is as big as Dean could have hoped. It looks like some kind of Shepard mix. The coloring is right for a German Shepard, but one ear flops over, and the muzzle is a little too short.
“Hey,” Dean says quietly.
Cas turns towards him, his wide smile the only greeting Dean really needs. “Dean. You came.”
“’Course I did,” Dean replies. “I told you I would. Sorry I’m a little late. The job ran long.”
“It’s okay,” Cas says. “You called, so I expected it.” He stands up, his hand still on the dog’s head. “Dean, this is Elmo.”
Dean blinks. “Wait, Elmo? Like Tickle Me Elmo?”
Cas frowns. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Of course he doesn’t, and Dean doesn’t think he can explain Muppets and Sesame Street. Without actually seeing the fuzzy, red Muppet, Cas isn’t going to understand why Elmo is such an incongruous name for a big, fierce-looking dog.
“I like the name,” Cas insists when Dean doesn’t speak.
Dean smiles, even though Cas can’t see it-maybe especially because Cas can’t see it in this case. “It’s a fine name.”
“Elmo, this is Dean,” Cas says, just as if he were introducing Dean to another person. “Elmo, this is a friend.”
Dean notes the emphasis Cas places on friend, and he wonders what Elmo would do if he considered Dean a threat.
Elmo cocks his head, his eyes on Dean’s face.
“It’s okay,” Cas says. “Hold out your hand, Dean.”
Dean holds out his hand, and Elmo sniffs his hand and then licks Dean’s fingers. And then Elmo leans against Cas’ leg a bit, and Cas smiles, the kind of wondering, awe-filled smile that makes Dean smile in turn.
“Sam’s waiting for us out in the car,” Dean says. “Not to rush you, or anything.”
Cas shakes his head. “We’re ready to go home. I just need to grab our things.”
“Great. I’ll give you a hand.”
Cas has more stuff then he did when Dean dropped him off four weeks ago, but that’s mostly dog supplies. Dean helps Cas haul it out to the Impala and puts the bags in the trunk.
“Is he going to be okay riding in the backseat?” Dean asks.
“If we roll a window down, I think so,” Cas says. “I was told that Elmo doesn’t have a problem riding in cars.”
Sam climbs out to greet Cas. “Hey, Cas. Nice to see you. You’re looking good.”
“Thank you,” Cas replies politely. “This is Elmo. Elmo, this is Sam. He’s a friend.”
Sam swallows his bark of laughter and holds out a hand. “Nice to meet you, Elmo.”
Elmo sniffs Sam’s hand politely, but he doesn’t try to lick him the way he had Dean, and Dean wonders if he should be as pleased by that as he is.
Dean takes the wheel, and the car feels smaller with Cas and his dog in the backseat. “You got the window?” he asks.
“Yes,” Cas says, rolling it down. “It’s okay, Elmo.”
Elmo pants, and from Dean’s quick glance in the rearview, Elmo looks like he’s grinning as he sticks his head out the window.
“So, how’d it go, Cas?” Sam asks.
“Good,” Cas says briefly. “It was very educational, and I learned a lot.”
“Did you make any friends?” Sam inquires.
Cas shrugs. “It’s difficult to talk about my past.”
Dean shares a look with Sam, and he says, “Yeah, I think we both get that.”
“They were nice, though,” Cas says absently. “And our instructor was very kind.”
Cas could probably use some kindness, and Dean is grateful that he had a good experience at the school. At least, as good an experience as he could have.
The drive to Sioux Falls doesn’t take that long-only four hours-and Dean drops Sam off at Bobby’s. “I’ll be back later.”
Sam grins at him. “Don’t bother. I’ll let you know if we have a case, and I won’t start looking for a couple of days. Unless Bobby gets a call, of course.”
“Of course,” Dean says. “See you when I see you.”
He drives to Cas’ place, and Cas says, “I should take Elmo for a walk.”
“I’ll go with you,” Dean insists. “We’ll get your stuff into the house, and then we’ll go.”
He helps Cas carry the bags inside, and then they walk. “You should stay by my right side,” Cas says. “Elmo walks to my left.”
“Okay,” Dean replies. He’s done his own research over the last month, and he stays half a step behind Cas, to his right, noticing that Cas walks more confidently than he had a month ago.
A few minutes into the walk, Cas reaches back to draw Dean closer, tucking his hand under Dean’s elbow. Maybe normally Dean wouldn’t go in for public displays like this, but it’s easier to do after a month apart and with Cas blind. Nobody’s going to think much of it.
Cas’ neighborhood is a little older, some of the houses a little rundown, some of the yards a little shaggy, but it has a welcoming feel. The people they pass wave a greeting when they see Dean and Cas, smiling as though they recognize them, although Dean knows there’s no reason they would.
The silence between them feels comfortable, and is broken only by Cas’ quiet commands to Elmo. When they get back to the house, Cas unclips Elmo’s harness and says, “Okay, Elmo.”
Elmo shakes himself and starts sniffing around, apparently exploring his new surroundings.
“I don’t really need him to work when we’re indoors,” Cas explains. “This is why I like being inside my own home.”
Dean can understand that. “You look like you’re getting around all right.”
“It’s easier with Elmo,” Cas admits. “I feel safer with him.”
“That’s good,” Dean says. “That’s really good. I’m glad to hear it.”
He can’t keep his hands to himself any longer, and he reaches for Cas, putting his hands on Cas’ shoulders, drawing him closer. Cas comes willingly, his mouth opening under Dean’s, his hands resting on Dean’s hips and sliding around to his ass.
“Bedroom,” Cas insists.
“Yeah, definitely.” Dean follows Cas back, watching as he pulls his t-shirt over his head, revealing his pale, well-muscled back, and Dean pauses, watching avidly.
Cas pulls his jeans and boxers off and stands there, naked and relaxed. “You haven’t undressed yet.”
“How did you know?”
“I didn’t hear your clothing hitting the floor,” Cas replies. “Do you not want this?”
Dean closes the distance between them. “No, I just like looking at you.”
“I wish I could see you again,” Cas admits wistfully. “The only time I do is in a vision, and that’s usually because you’re in trouble, and I don’t want that, but I liked looking at you.”
Dean wishes Cas could see him, too. He wishes he could take Cas on the road with them, that he didn’t have to worry about Cas while they were hunting.
The problem is, Dean has never learned the trick of not worrying about people he cares for, and Cas is one of those people.
And after Cas had been nabbed-well, every time Dean thinks about Cas, left by the side of the road, dependent upon someone decent helping him-he goes a little crazy.
Still, this is the world they have to live in. These are the consequences they live with. Cas is blind, even if he has the occasional vision, and Dean will be hunting until he’s sidelined permanently or killed, and the time they have together will be stolen and fleeting.
“Hey,” Dean says. “C’mere.” He grabs Cas’ hands and guides them to the hem of his t-shirt. “There are a lot of ways of seeing.”
A faint smile turns Cas’ lips up. “Yes, I suppose.”
Slowly, Cas pulls Dean’s shirt over his head, his fingertips skimming over Dean’s skin. He pops open the button of Dean’s jeans next and slowly pulls the zipper down, cupping Dean’s growing erection.
Dean hears a sound from behind him, and he turns to see Elmo sitting just inside the doorway, staring at them, looking vaguely menacing with his lip curled just slightly. “Uh, Cas, we’ve got an audience.”
Cas frowns, his hand staying where it is. “Who?”
“Your dog.”
“I doubt he cares.”
“You aren’t seeing the look he’s giving us.”
Cas huffs out a laugh. “He’s probably just curious, Dean.”
“Because he doesn’t have any balls of his own,” Dean mutters. “Look, let me shut the door.”
“Elmo doesn’t like being apart from me,” Cas says. “It’s fine.” He sounds a little exasperated, and squeezes Dean’s cock.
Dean decides that he doesn’t care if they do have an audience; he hasn’t been with Cas-or anyone else-in weeks. “Point taken,” he manages.
Cas takes care of the rest of Dean’s clothing in short order, and then nudges Dean toward the bed. Dean sprawls out, letting Cas straddle him, his hands mapping Dean’s face, his neck and shoulders, down his arms, and along each finger. Dean groans when Cas begins to stroke his chest, thumbs teasing Dean’s nipples.
“Patience,” Cas advises, and Dean groans again, more theatrically this time.
Cas’ quick grin is a reward, but he doesn’t discontinue his exploration of Dean’s stomach, his legs, and then his cock and balls.
“This is going to be over pretty quick if you keep doing that,” Dean warns as Cas plays with him.
“We have all night,” Cas replies, and strokes Dean steadily, until he’s coming all over Cas’ hand in spite of his best efforts to hold back his orgasm.
And then Cas has to go and taste Dean’s semen, as though it’s a natural expression of his ever-present curiosity, which has Dean’s spent cock twitching in interest.
Maybe Cas would have always been like this if they’d ever managed to find their way into bed together, Dean thinks, not that he cares, because this is Cas.
When Dean can move again, he flips Cas onto his back and moves against him, Cas’ cock trapped between them, in the crease of Dean’s thigh, and Cas grips him tightly, his hips undulating with Dean’s.
Cas closes his eyes when he comes, his mouth open wide, pressing his face into the side of Dean’s neck. Dean collapses on the bed next to him, pulling Cas into his arms, wanting to be as close as possible for as long as possible.
“I missed you,” Cas says again.
“Same here,” Dean replies. He holds Cas for a long minute and glances toward the doorway. Elmo is still sitting there, staring intently. “Dude, your dog is a voyeur.”
Cas laughs against Dean’s skin. “I wouldn’t know.”
“Trust me,” Dean replies. “He’s still sitting there.”
“He’s probably waiting for me to tell him to get back to work,” Cas replies.
Elmo scrambles to his feet, looking-well, Dean hesitates to say hopeful, but it seems to fit.
“I think he’s waiting for his marching orders,” Dean says.
“Elmo, down,” Cas orders.
Elmo whines softly, but he pads over to a corner of the room and does as ordered, resting his big head on his front paws, looking as disappointed as a dog can look.
Dean chuckles and says, “I should get something to get us cleaned up.”
“I don’t mind being sticky,” Cas admits.
Dean runs a hand over Cas’ hair. “You’ll mind when we’re stuck together tomorrow morning. Be right back.”
Once they’re both cleaned up, Dean crawls under the covers with Cas, spooning up behind him, and wishes that this thing between them didn’t feel quite so fleeting, lasting only until the next hunt, the next job.
But that’s not today, and that’s really all that matters.
~~~~~
Dean’s phone wakes him from a deep sleep, and when he fumbles for it, the screen shows Sam’s name and 8:45, which isn’t nearly as late as Dean had hoped.
“Yeah,” Dean grumbles.
“Sorry,” Sam says immediately. “I’m really sorry, but Bobby got a call about a job this morning, and there’s no one else to take it.”
Dean has been looking forward to some uninterrupted time with Cas, and he says, “Can’t Bobby take it?”
“It’s at least a two-person job,” Sam replies. “He’s actually coming with us.”
That tells Dean all he needs to know about the seriousness of the hunt. “How long do I have?”
“We should get on the road as soon as possible,” Sam replies. “It’s in Indiana.”
“Cas needs some supplies,” Dean says. “I’ll get him taken care of, and I’ll be there in a couple of hours.”
“Two hours won’t make a difference,” Sam admits. “I’ll tell Bobby we’re leaving early afternoon.”
Sam’s giving Dean more time, and he can’t help but be grateful for it.
“I’ll be there.”
Cas is awake and propped up on one elbow by the time Dean hangs up. “You have to go.”
“I’ll run you by the grocery store first,” Dean promises. “I know the cupboards are pretty bare. I’d have taken you last night, but-”
But last night Dean hadn’t been thinking of food. Last night, they’d stopped for dinner on the way into Sioux Falls, and food had been the last thing Dean had on his mind.
“I can go myself,” Cas points out. “It’s not that far.”
“I’ll drive you,” Dean insists, because he can do that much for Cas while he’s still around. “We’ve got a little time.” He touches Cas’ face, feels the heavy stubble under his callused hand, and wishes for more time. “I’m sorry I have to go so soon.”
Cas puts his hand over Dean’s and shakes his head. “You will always have to leave. And I will always be here when you return.”
It’s the first time Dean’s had that kind of anchor, but he believes that Cas means it, and Cas is right-it’s not in Dean’s nature to stay in one place long-term, not when there’s another hunt, and Cas can’t go with them.
As though reading Dean’s thoughts, Cas says, “What we have in the time between is enough, Dean. It’s more than I expected to have.”
And Dean draws him close, trying to put everything he feels into his kiss, into his touch, but Cas draws back, breaking their kiss after too short a time. “I believe you will return,” he says. “Don’t make me feel as though this is the last time.”
“I’ll come back,” Dean insists and presses his lips to Cas’ forehead, then his lips. “I’ll come back when I can.”
“I know,” Cas says.
And it’s enough, Dean thinks. These stolen moments with Cas are more than he’d thought he’d ever have.
It has to be enough.
Author: enigmaticblue
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters; too bad, so sad.
Pairings/Characters: Dean/Castiel, Sam
Spoilers: Through 6.22, and a sequel to Grace Will Lead Us Home, and part of my Grace ‘verse.
Word Count: ~4250
Summary: The trick is finding a new normal.
A/N: At this point, I consider the series complete, although I wouldn’t rule out the possibility of more.
Cas fidgets silently in the passenger seat, his forehead resting against the window, eyes open but unseeing.
Dean glances at him, sensing his anxiety, but with no idea how to help. “When you get there, you should pick the biggest, meanest dog.”
“I don’t think it works like that,” Cas replies, keeping his forehead pressed against the glass.
Dean wishes Cas would look at him, and recognizes the wish as futile and stupid-Cas is never going to look at him again, and Dean still feels a pang of sorrow every time he remembers that fact.
“Still,” Dean says. “You need a big, manly dog.”
“And how would I know which one to choose?”
“Fair point.”
Cas’ fingers drum nervously against his leg, and Dean searches for something to say to ease his mind.
“We can still turn around,” Dean says. “We’ll go find a big German Shepard, maybe a pit bull. No one would mess with a pit bull.”
“We agreed that this was the best course of action,” Cas says dully.
“That doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind now,” Dean insists.
Cas finally lifts his head and turns toward Dean, his eyes still the same dark blue, even if they don’t quite meet Dean’s. “You were the one who said I needed to get out more, and that I needed a dog.”
Dean’s beginning to think that he might have been wrong, at least about Cas getting out more-not about the dog. They still haven’t found the guy who kidnapped Cas, and while Dean would like to be with Cas full-time, it’s not a possibility.
Cas needs his freedom, and his independence, and Dean can put aside his own desires to make sure Cas gets what he needs-especially since Dean isn’t going to give up hunting any time soon.
“Hey,” Dean says, and reaches for Cas’ hand. “If it’s not working out, if you hate it, you call me, and I’ll come get you, no matter where I am.”
Cas manages a smile. “It’s not even a month, Dean.”
Oddly enough, Dean suspects that he’s the one who’s having a hard time with the idea of so long a separation, whereas Cas is more worried about dealing with all the new people, out of his comfort zone.
“Doesn’t matter,” Dean says. “Just promise you’ll call me if you need me.”
Cas’ sets his jaw stubbornly. “I promise,” he says, but Dean can hear the unspoken, “I won’t.”
They’re approaching the school now, and Dean is terribly reluctant to let Cas go. He likes to keep those he loves close, and he’s feeling overwhelmingly protective of Cas these days.
Still, they’ve had one fight about it; Dean isn’t going to risk another one now.
“Do you want me to go in with you?” Dean asks.
For a moment, Dean thinks Cas will object, but then he nods. “Yes. Thank you.”
“No problem,” Dean replies. “I’d like to see where you’re staying.”
They check in, and the receptionist says, “Marty will show you where you’re staying, Cas. As I’m sure you’ve already heard, we have an open campus policy, so your friend can visit, and you can visit the town.”
Cas grimaces, and Dean feels worried all over again. Cas has become something of a hermit over the last few months, and he rarely interacts with anyone other than Dean, Sam, and Bobby.
Marty is a friendly guy in his thirties who shakes Cas’ hand and then Dean’s. “This is a great place,” he enthuses. “You’re going to love it here.”
Cas’ expression suggests that he isn’t buying it, but Dean’s seen for himself how attached Cas is to his own space.
The room is nicer than most of the motel rooms that Dean’s stayed in-decent sized, with a nice bed, TV, and private bathroom. And if Marty is any example, the place is full of friendly, conscientious people who will look after Cas.
It makes Dean feel better, because he knows that there’s no way for that bastard who grabbed Cas to reach him-not that he would have any reason to know that Cas is in Rochester, Michigan, at a school for the blind. But Cas will be surrounded by people, and he’ll be safer here than he would be on his own while Dean’s out on a hunt.
Dean feels a little better about leaving Cas-or he would, if Cas weren’t so obviously freaked out.
“You should probably go,” Cas says after they’ve explored the room, his chin tilted up, looking so determinedly brave that Dean has to reach out and pull him in, pressing his lips to Cas’ in a warm, sweet kiss.
“You’re going to do great,” Dean promises. “I’ll see you in four weeks.”
Cas manages a real smile for him, placing his hands over Dean’s where they bracket Cas’ face. “Yes, you will.”
“Just-keep in touch, okay?” Dean says.
Cas reaches out to trace the line of Dean’s jaw and his lips in a tender gesture that Dean somehow doesn’t mind. “Of course,” he promises.
And this time, there is no hidden meaning, only Cas’ promise.
~~~~~
Dean stays busy. They don’t even bother passing through Sioux Falls, because Bobby’s looking after Cas’ place while he’s away, and one hunt leads into the next.
Cas calls every couple of nights, though, leaving a message when Dean can’t answer.
Sam, of course, teases him mercilessly. “You know, when I tried to get you to talk to Cas again, I didn’t think you guys would actually start dating,” he says one night while they’re driving back to their motel after ganking a demon.
“We’re not exactly dating,” Dean hedges, because they never go out. They go to Bobby’s, or Dean will bring by a pizza or takeout, but they don’t date, mostly because Cas is wary of people, and Dean doesn’t have the first idea how to go about dating an ex-angel, one who’s in a man’s body.
It might be easier if Cas were in a woman’s body, but then he wouldn’t be Cas, so Dean doesn’t mind all that much.
“Could have fooled me,” Sam says with a smirk. “You should take him out for dinner sometime.”
Dean shakes his head. “He’s weird about that sort of thing.”
“Or do you just not want to be seen with a guy?” Sam counters.
Dean has wondered the same thing himself. “It’s not that,” he insists. “We didn’t-ever since he got grabbed, Cas hasn’t liked leaving the house.”
“He didn’t like leaving it before,” Sam replies. “He would if he had to, but I think it’s hard on him.”
Dean pulls up in front of the Sam Austin Motor Lodge on the edge of Winsome, Texas-and Dean would really like to know who named the town, because they were clearly off their rocker at the time. The town is definitely not “winsome” by anyone’s definition.
He should probably tell Cas about that-Cas would get a kick out of it.
Dean pulls his attention back to Sam with some effort. “Yeah, well, that’s what the guide dog is supposed to help with.”
“It’s not just to rip the throat out of anybody who tries to grab him when you’re not around?” Sam asks archly.
“Shut up, Sam,” he says, although without much heat.
Sam just grins at him. “No, really, you two are adorable together.”
“Seriously, shut up,” Dean replies and gets out of the car, closing the car door a little harder than is strictly necessary.
“Come on,” Sam says as he climbs out of the passenger seat. “You weren’t the one stuck as the go-between for two years.”
“It wasn’t quite two years,” Dean protests, but Sam has a point.
Sam just rolls his eyes. “You should call him back.”
Dean hesitates. “It’s late.”
“So? Leave a message,” Sam replies. “I’m taking first shower anyway.”
Dean watches his brother disappear into their motel room, and then hits 3 on speed dial. As expected, he gets sent straight to voice mail, which means Cas has turned in for the night. “Hey,” Dean says, clearing his throat. “Uh, we got the demon, and we’re both in one piece, so that’s good. Sorry I missed your call.”
He has no idea what to say after that. He’s never been good at this-but he wants to try. “I’ll talk to you soon,” he says. “And I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”
Dean leans against the hood of the Impala and tips his head back to look at the stars-stars that Cas will never see.
He thinks about it more than he should, probably-about what Cas will never see, about what he’s missing.
About wishing he could have Cas back the way he was, in a way, and at the same time, grateful Cas is human, because while the feelings have probably been there for a long time, Dean doesn’t think he could have done anything about it while Cas was still an angel.
Still, he wishes Cas could have come through all this unscathed, that he could come on the road with them, and that Dean wouldn’t always be forced to leave him behind.
Dean’s finally found someone he wants to spend more than a night or two with, and it’s an impossibility for completely different reasons.
He enters the motel room just as Sam emerges from the bathroom in a cloud of steam, a towel wrapped around his waist.
“Shower’s all yours,” Sam says as Dean strips off his jacket and tosses it over the end of the bed.
“Thanks.”
“Dean.” Sam pauses. “Look, I’m happy for you-both of you.”
Dean nods, and summons a smile. “I know. I just-I don’t know how this is supposed to work.”
Sam shrugs. “It’s easy. We hunt, and you see Cas when you can. You make your time together count.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” Dean replies.
It doesn’t feel that easy, though.
~~~~~
A week later, they’re driving north to Rochester to pick Cas up, hitting the edge of town in the late afternoon. Dean would have liked to be there earlier, but the last case took longer than he’d anticipated, and they’d had to drive straight through from Oklahoma.
Sam happens to be behind the wheel when they get into town, and he wakes Dean up for directions since Dean’s been there before.
“I’ll wait out here,” Sam says as he parks.
“I won’t be long,” Dean promises.
When he stops by reception and asks for Cas, the lady with the nametag that reads “Rebecca” smile and nods. “Cas should be in the rec room. He likes using his computer in there.”
“Thanks,” Dean says, and follows the hallway to the large, sunny room, with windows all along one wall.
There are a couple of guys sitting in a corner, chatting quietly, each of them with a dog next to him. Dean scans the room and finds Cas sitting near a window, facing out, almost as though he can see what’s beyond the glass. He looks good, too-his face has filled out some, like he’s put on weight, and his expression is serene.
The dog sitting next to him is as big as Dean could have hoped. It looks like some kind of Shepard mix. The coloring is right for a German Shepard, but one ear flops over, and the muzzle is a little too short.
“Hey,” Dean says quietly.
Cas turns towards him, his wide smile the only greeting Dean really needs. “Dean. You came.”
“’Course I did,” Dean replies. “I told you I would. Sorry I’m a little late. The job ran long.”
“It’s okay,” Cas says. “You called, so I expected it.” He stands up, his hand still on the dog’s head. “Dean, this is Elmo.”
Dean blinks. “Wait, Elmo? Like Tickle Me Elmo?”
Cas frowns. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Of course he doesn’t, and Dean doesn’t think he can explain Muppets and Sesame Street. Without actually seeing the fuzzy, red Muppet, Cas isn’t going to understand why Elmo is such an incongruous name for a big, fierce-looking dog.
“I like the name,” Cas insists when Dean doesn’t speak.
Dean smiles, even though Cas can’t see it-maybe especially because Cas can’t see it in this case. “It’s a fine name.”
“Elmo, this is Dean,” Cas says, just as if he were introducing Dean to another person. “Elmo, this is a friend.”
Dean notes the emphasis Cas places on friend, and he wonders what Elmo would do if he considered Dean a threat.
Elmo cocks his head, his eyes on Dean’s face.
“It’s okay,” Cas says. “Hold out your hand, Dean.”
Dean holds out his hand, and Elmo sniffs his hand and then licks Dean’s fingers. And then Elmo leans against Cas’ leg a bit, and Cas smiles, the kind of wondering, awe-filled smile that makes Dean smile in turn.
“Sam’s waiting for us out in the car,” Dean says. “Not to rush you, or anything.”
Cas shakes his head. “We’re ready to go home. I just need to grab our things.”
“Great. I’ll give you a hand.”
Cas has more stuff then he did when Dean dropped him off four weeks ago, but that’s mostly dog supplies. Dean helps Cas haul it out to the Impala and puts the bags in the trunk.
“Is he going to be okay riding in the backseat?” Dean asks.
“If we roll a window down, I think so,” Cas says. “I was told that Elmo doesn’t have a problem riding in cars.”
Sam climbs out to greet Cas. “Hey, Cas. Nice to see you. You’re looking good.”
“Thank you,” Cas replies politely. “This is Elmo. Elmo, this is Sam. He’s a friend.”
Sam swallows his bark of laughter and holds out a hand. “Nice to meet you, Elmo.”
Elmo sniffs Sam’s hand politely, but he doesn’t try to lick him the way he had Dean, and Dean wonders if he should be as pleased by that as he is.
Dean takes the wheel, and the car feels smaller with Cas and his dog in the backseat. “You got the window?” he asks.
“Yes,” Cas says, rolling it down. “It’s okay, Elmo.”
Elmo pants, and from Dean’s quick glance in the rearview, Elmo looks like he’s grinning as he sticks his head out the window.
“So, how’d it go, Cas?” Sam asks.
“Good,” Cas says briefly. “It was very educational, and I learned a lot.”
“Did you make any friends?” Sam inquires.
Cas shrugs. “It’s difficult to talk about my past.”
Dean shares a look with Sam, and he says, “Yeah, I think we both get that.”
“They were nice, though,” Cas says absently. “And our instructor was very kind.”
Cas could probably use some kindness, and Dean is grateful that he had a good experience at the school. At least, as good an experience as he could have.
The drive to Sioux Falls doesn’t take that long-only four hours-and Dean drops Sam off at Bobby’s. “I’ll be back later.”
Sam grins at him. “Don’t bother. I’ll let you know if we have a case, and I won’t start looking for a couple of days. Unless Bobby gets a call, of course.”
“Of course,” Dean says. “See you when I see you.”
He drives to Cas’ place, and Cas says, “I should take Elmo for a walk.”
“I’ll go with you,” Dean insists. “We’ll get your stuff into the house, and then we’ll go.”
He helps Cas carry the bags inside, and then they walk. “You should stay by my right side,” Cas says. “Elmo walks to my left.”
“Okay,” Dean replies. He’s done his own research over the last month, and he stays half a step behind Cas, to his right, noticing that Cas walks more confidently than he had a month ago.
A few minutes into the walk, Cas reaches back to draw Dean closer, tucking his hand under Dean’s elbow. Maybe normally Dean wouldn’t go in for public displays like this, but it’s easier to do after a month apart and with Cas blind. Nobody’s going to think much of it.
Cas’ neighborhood is a little older, some of the houses a little rundown, some of the yards a little shaggy, but it has a welcoming feel. The people they pass wave a greeting when they see Dean and Cas, smiling as though they recognize them, although Dean knows there’s no reason they would.
The silence between them feels comfortable, and is broken only by Cas’ quiet commands to Elmo. When they get back to the house, Cas unclips Elmo’s harness and says, “Okay, Elmo.”
Elmo shakes himself and starts sniffing around, apparently exploring his new surroundings.
“I don’t really need him to work when we’re indoors,” Cas explains. “This is why I like being inside my own home.”
Dean can understand that. “You look like you’re getting around all right.”
“It’s easier with Elmo,” Cas admits. “I feel safer with him.”
“That’s good,” Dean says. “That’s really good. I’m glad to hear it.”
He can’t keep his hands to himself any longer, and he reaches for Cas, putting his hands on Cas’ shoulders, drawing him closer. Cas comes willingly, his mouth opening under Dean’s, his hands resting on Dean’s hips and sliding around to his ass.
“Bedroom,” Cas insists.
“Yeah, definitely.” Dean follows Cas back, watching as he pulls his t-shirt over his head, revealing his pale, well-muscled back, and Dean pauses, watching avidly.
Cas pulls his jeans and boxers off and stands there, naked and relaxed. “You haven’t undressed yet.”
“How did you know?”
“I didn’t hear your clothing hitting the floor,” Cas replies. “Do you not want this?”
Dean closes the distance between them. “No, I just like looking at you.”
“I wish I could see you again,” Cas admits wistfully. “The only time I do is in a vision, and that’s usually because you’re in trouble, and I don’t want that, but I liked looking at you.”
Dean wishes Cas could see him, too. He wishes he could take Cas on the road with them, that he didn’t have to worry about Cas while they were hunting.
The problem is, Dean has never learned the trick of not worrying about people he cares for, and Cas is one of those people.
And after Cas had been nabbed-well, every time Dean thinks about Cas, left by the side of the road, dependent upon someone decent helping him-he goes a little crazy.
Still, this is the world they have to live in. These are the consequences they live with. Cas is blind, even if he has the occasional vision, and Dean will be hunting until he’s sidelined permanently or killed, and the time they have together will be stolen and fleeting.
“Hey,” Dean says. “C’mere.” He grabs Cas’ hands and guides them to the hem of his t-shirt. “There are a lot of ways of seeing.”
A faint smile turns Cas’ lips up. “Yes, I suppose.”
Slowly, Cas pulls Dean’s shirt over his head, his fingertips skimming over Dean’s skin. He pops open the button of Dean’s jeans next and slowly pulls the zipper down, cupping Dean’s growing erection.
Dean hears a sound from behind him, and he turns to see Elmo sitting just inside the doorway, staring at them, looking vaguely menacing with his lip curled just slightly. “Uh, Cas, we’ve got an audience.”
Cas frowns, his hand staying where it is. “Who?”
“Your dog.”
“I doubt he cares.”
“You aren’t seeing the look he’s giving us.”
Cas huffs out a laugh. “He’s probably just curious, Dean.”
“Because he doesn’t have any balls of his own,” Dean mutters. “Look, let me shut the door.”
“Elmo doesn’t like being apart from me,” Cas says. “It’s fine.” He sounds a little exasperated, and squeezes Dean’s cock.
Dean decides that he doesn’t care if they do have an audience; he hasn’t been with Cas-or anyone else-in weeks. “Point taken,” he manages.
Cas takes care of the rest of Dean’s clothing in short order, and then nudges Dean toward the bed. Dean sprawls out, letting Cas straddle him, his hands mapping Dean’s face, his neck and shoulders, down his arms, and along each finger. Dean groans when Cas begins to stroke his chest, thumbs teasing Dean’s nipples.
“Patience,” Cas advises, and Dean groans again, more theatrically this time.
Cas’ quick grin is a reward, but he doesn’t discontinue his exploration of Dean’s stomach, his legs, and then his cock and balls.
“This is going to be over pretty quick if you keep doing that,” Dean warns as Cas plays with him.
“We have all night,” Cas replies, and strokes Dean steadily, until he’s coming all over Cas’ hand in spite of his best efforts to hold back his orgasm.
And then Cas has to go and taste Dean’s semen, as though it’s a natural expression of his ever-present curiosity, which has Dean’s spent cock twitching in interest.
Maybe Cas would have always been like this if they’d ever managed to find their way into bed together, Dean thinks, not that he cares, because this is Cas.
When Dean can move again, he flips Cas onto his back and moves against him, Cas’ cock trapped between them, in the crease of Dean’s thigh, and Cas grips him tightly, his hips undulating with Dean’s.
Cas closes his eyes when he comes, his mouth open wide, pressing his face into the side of Dean’s neck. Dean collapses on the bed next to him, pulling Cas into his arms, wanting to be as close as possible for as long as possible.
“I missed you,” Cas says again.
“Same here,” Dean replies. He holds Cas for a long minute and glances toward the doorway. Elmo is still sitting there, staring intently. “Dude, your dog is a voyeur.”
Cas laughs against Dean’s skin. “I wouldn’t know.”
“Trust me,” Dean replies. “He’s still sitting there.”
“He’s probably waiting for me to tell him to get back to work,” Cas replies.
Elmo scrambles to his feet, looking-well, Dean hesitates to say hopeful, but it seems to fit.
“I think he’s waiting for his marching orders,” Dean says.
“Elmo, down,” Cas orders.
Elmo whines softly, but he pads over to a corner of the room and does as ordered, resting his big head on his front paws, looking as disappointed as a dog can look.
Dean chuckles and says, “I should get something to get us cleaned up.”
“I don’t mind being sticky,” Cas admits.
Dean runs a hand over Cas’ hair. “You’ll mind when we’re stuck together tomorrow morning. Be right back.”
Once they’re both cleaned up, Dean crawls under the covers with Cas, spooning up behind him, and wishes that this thing between them didn’t feel quite so fleeting, lasting only until the next hunt, the next job.
But that’s not today, and that’s really all that matters.
~~~~~
Dean’s phone wakes him from a deep sleep, and when he fumbles for it, the screen shows Sam’s name and 8:45, which isn’t nearly as late as Dean had hoped.
“Yeah,” Dean grumbles.
“Sorry,” Sam says immediately. “I’m really sorry, but Bobby got a call about a job this morning, and there’s no one else to take it.”
Dean has been looking forward to some uninterrupted time with Cas, and he says, “Can’t Bobby take it?”
“It’s at least a two-person job,” Sam replies. “He’s actually coming with us.”
That tells Dean all he needs to know about the seriousness of the hunt. “How long do I have?”
“We should get on the road as soon as possible,” Sam replies. “It’s in Indiana.”
“Cas needs some supplies,” Dean says. “I’ll get him taken care of, and I’ll be there in a couple of hours.”
“Two hours won’t make a difference,” Sam admits. “I’ll tell Bobby we’re leaving early afternoon.”
Sam’s giving Dean more time, and he can’t help but be grateful for it.
“I’ll be there.”
Cas is awake and propped up on one elbow by the time Dean hangs up. “You have to go.”
“I’ll run you by the grocery store first,” Dean promises. “I know the cupboards are pretty bare. I’d have taken you last night, but-”
But last night Dean hadn’t been thinking of food. Last night, they’d stopped for dinner on the way into Sioux Falls, and food had been the last thing Dean had on his mind.
“I can go myself,” Cas points out. “It’s not that far.”
“I’ll drive you,” Dean insists, because he can do that much for Cas while he’s still around. “We’ve got a little time.” He touches Cas’ face, feels the heavy stubble under his callused hand, and wishes for more time. “I’m sorry I have to go so soon.”
Cas puts his hand over Dean’s and shakes his head. “You will always have to leave. And I will always be here when you return.”
It’s the first time Dean’s had that kind of anchor, but he believes that Cas means it, and Cas is right-it’s not in Dean’s nature to stay in one place long-term, not when there’s another hunt, and Cas can’t go with them.
As though reading Dean’s thoughts, Cas says, “What we have in the time between is enough, Dean. It’s more than I expected to have.”
And Dean draws him close, trying to put everything he feels into his kiss, into his touch, but Cas draws back, breaking their kiss after too short a time. “I believe you will return,” he says. “Don’t make me feel as though this is the last time.”
“I’ll come back,” Dean insists and presses his lips to Cas’ forehead, then his lips. “I’ll come back when I can.”
“I know,” Cas says.
And it’s enough, Dean thinks. These stolen moments with Cas are more than he’d thought he’d ever have.
It has to be enough.