I Once Was Blind
I Once Was Blind
Author: enigmaticblue
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters; too bad, so sad.
Pairings/Characters: Castiel, Dean, Sam
Spoilers: Through 6.22
Summary: Castiel wakes up in total darkness.
A/N: Written for the
hc_bingo “Wild Card” square, “loss of vision”. This is part one of a series, although each story can and will stand alone.
Castiel thrashes against the hands holding him down. He hears Dean shouting, “Cas! Cas, settle down!” but Castiel can’t see anything. He feels the firm mattress underneath him, the blankets tangling around his bare legs.
Strong hands push him down onto a mattress, and straps are tightened around his wrists and ankles. “Just relax, Cas.” Castiel recognizes Sam’s voice. “It’s okay. We’re going to be right here, but you have to let the doctors work.”
Castiel hears Dean speaking with someone else, a voice he doesn’t recognize, and Dean’s voice says, “Yeah, go ahead and sedate him.”
A moment later, Castiel feels a strange lassitude spread through his limbs, and the tension seeps out of him.
When he wakes again, Castiel is still in darkness. He is no longer gripped with the panic that had infused him the first time, although he is still strapped to the bed. Castiel tests his bonds and calls out, “Hello? Is anyone there?”
“Yeah, I’m here,” Dean’s voice assures him. “Are you going to flip out again, or can I release you?”
“I will not ‘flip out,’” Castiel replies. “Will you turn on a light?”
There’s a long pause as Dean unbuckles the straps around Castiel’s wrists and ankles. “The light’s on, Cas.”
“Then-” The import of that statement hits Castiel, and he swallows hard. “I am blind.”
Dean pulls back, and Castiel feels bereft at the loss of contact. “Do you remember what happened?”
For a moment, Castiel can remember only that he had argued with Dean, but not about what. He had been trying to stop Raphael, and Dean had not agreed with Castiel’s methods.
And then it all comes rushing back to him-killing Balthazar, performing the spell that would allow him to take the souls in Purgatory into himself, killing Raphael, demanding that Dean, Sam and Bobby kneel before him-
The terrible pain as the weight of all those souls burned out his grace, and the darkness that had followed.
“What-did you send the souls back to Purgatory? Where am I?” Castiel asks.
“You’re in the hospital, and yeah, we did send the souls back,” Dean replies. “But there’s no telling what else might have gotten out.”
Castiel feels a stab of shame. He has done this; he had opened up Purgatory and had nearly destroyed his friends in the process. “Dean, I’m sorry.”
“It’s over and done with,” Dean says, and Castiel cannot decipher Dean’s tone. He needs to see Dean; Castiel needs to see Dean’s face in order to get a better understanding of what Dean’s words mean.
“You were right,” Castiel offers.
“I don’t hear that very often,” Dean replies, and Castiel thinks Dean might be joking, but he can’t tell. “But maybe you’ll listen to me next time.”
“I will,” Castiel promises.
Dean clears his throat. “So, the doctors say you’re going to make a full recovery, but your sight isn’t coming back.”
“I understand,” Castiel says, hearing how faint his own voice is. He doesn’t think he’s been this frightened in all his existence, not even when Raphael had rained down his wrath on Castiel, or when Castiel had faced Michael and Lucifer. “What-what should I do?”
“Uh, Sam can tell you more. He’s been talking to the doctors, and he’s working something out.” Castiel hears rustling fabric as Dean stands. “There he is now. I’ll let you two talk.”
Castiel hears the heavy tread of boots on the tile floor, and then Dean’s muffled voice. He feels a large, warm hand grip his shoulder a moment later, and Sam says, “Hey. Dean said you were doing better.”
“I think I’m feeling better,” Castiel replies carefully. “Is Dean all right? Did I-” Castiel wants to ask if he’d hurt anyone, but he can’t find the words. He’s unused to the emotions that threaten to overwhelm him, and the lump in his throat makes it impossible for Castiel to speak.
Sam squeezes Castiel’s shoulder. “No, it’s okay. We have cuts and bruises, but no big deal. We’re all fine.”
Castiel nods, breathing through his mouth because his nose is stopped up now, and he feels Sam press something into his hand. “Blow your nose,” Sam advises. “And don’t worry about it, okay? We’ve all fucked up.”
Castiel is relieved that someone has been able to put it into words, even if he can’t. “Yes. I fucked up.”
Sam lets out a little chuckle. “I’ve been talking to the doctors about options for you. There are a lot of tools now, and plenty of things you can do. We’ll get it worked out.”
Castiel somehow knows not to ask about Dean.
~~~~~
Castiel walks the hospital hallways while clinging to Sam’s arm. He feels completely helpless, set adrift in a sea of uncertainty. Sam stays with him until he goes to bed that night; the doctors insist on keeping Castiel one more night, although Castiel has no idea where he’s supposed to go from here.
Sam gives Castiel’s another reassuring pat as he leaves. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? We should have something worked out by then.”
Castiel thanks him and climbs into the bed with some help. In addition to the loss of sight, every inch of him hurts. He wants nothing more than to turn a light on, so that he might see again, and the sense of loss has a lump forming in his throat.
It’s probably no wonder that he has another nightmare that night, waking up with someone with a hand on either side of his face. “Cas, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m Patty, your nurse. You’re having a nightmare.”
The hospital gown is sticking to Castiel’s chest and shoulders, and he takes in deep breaths to calm himself. “I’m okay,” he repeats. “I’m okay.”
“Yes, you are,” Patty replies. “Your blood pressure is still too high, though. Do you want a sedative to help you sleep?”
“What time is it?” Castiel asks, uncertain of what his response should be.
Patty touches his shoulder. “It’s just after midnight. Maybe you would sleep better if you had something.”
“I think I would,” Castiel admits. He isn’t sure he should become reliant upon human medicines, but right now Castiel wants the escape that sleep offers.
“I’ll call a doctor, and we’ll see what we can do.” Patty pats his shoulder. “I’ll be right back.”
The medication injected into his IV sends Castiel back to sleep, and he doesn’t stir again until the next morning. When he first wakes up, he feels groggy, and it takes time for him to remember where he is.
Castiel feels a hand on his shoulder. “You’re back with us. Good.”
He recognizes Dean’s voice, and Castiel is unaccountably warmed. “Dean.”
“Yeah, it’s me,” Dean says, pulling back immediately. “Sam should be here soon.”
“Dean,” Castiel calls out. “Will you stay?”
“I’ll be here until Sam arrives,” Dean assures him, although his tone is cool. “Why don’t you go back to sleep for a while?”
Castiel reaches out blindly for Dean, wanting the comfort of human contact. “I don’t want to dream,” Castiel admits.
“Dreams are just that,” Dean replies, remaining out of reach, his voice still cold, his tone dismissive. “They’re just dreams. No big deal.”
“I’m sorry,” Castiel says again. He isn’t sure that his first apology had made a dent. “I should have listened to you.”
“It’s water under the bridge,” Dean assures him. “Go back to sleep.”
Castiel is groggy enough to do just that, and when he wakes again, it’s to hear Sam say, “It’s me. You’re okay.”
“Sam?”
“That’s right. You’ve got your first appointment with the occupational therapist in an hour,” Sam says. “They’re going to work with you so you can live independently.”
Castiel hesitates. “Where’s Dean?”
“Cas…” Sam begins, then trails off.
Castiel feels stomach lurch, and then he says, “Dean isn’t coming back.”
“There was a hunt,” Sam explains apologetically. “He went with Bobby. I’m sorry.”
Castiel closes his eyes, even though it doesn’t make a difference anymore. Dean’s absence hurts in a way that being human, or losing his sight, does not.
And although Castiel still can’t think of another option, and he cannot regret killing Raphael, now, Castiel isn’t certain he would have made the same decision, if he’d known he would lose Dean’s friendship.
“Hey,” Sam says quietly. “I’ll be here the whole time, and I’ll get you settled, okay?”
“Why?” Castiel asks.
Sam squeezes Castiel’s shoulder. “Because I’ve been where you are now, and because you’re my friend.”
Castiel nods, and then he stiffens, suddenly seeing things that couldn’t be in his hospital room. He sees Dean and Bobby fighting a nest of vampires, and Dean is taken by surprise by someone from behind. He realizes that the person had appeared to be a victim at first, but is actually one of the leaders of the nest.
“Cas?” Sam is asking urgently when darkness descends over Castiel’s vision once again. “What’s wrong? Do you need me to call a doctor?”
“I saw something,” Castiel responds. “I saw Dean in a vampire’s nest.”
Sam grips Castiel’s shoulder hard. “Tell me everything you saw.”
And Castiel does, because Sam has asked it of him, and Sam is his friend. Right now, Castiel will do just about anything Sam asks, because he has no idea what he’s doing.