Somewhere Back of the Sun - Chapter 9
Wherein Dean makes plans, and Cas tells Sam how it is.
Chapter 9: Rural South Dakota, Mid-Summer 2016
Dean hadn’t been able to celebrate Ben’s good luck and skill because he’d been too busy getting Casey settled, but he always made it a point to praise his kids’ achievements. He figured criticism would stick better that way.
So, as soon as Ben and Sam returned and unpacked the meat, Dean called Ben into the kitchen.
Ben’s expression was a little wary, but he broke out in a grin when Dean shoved a small glass of mead in his direction. “Congratulations, son. You made quite a haul.”
“Thanks.” Ben sipped the amber liquid like a pro, and sat down at the kitchen table to Dean’s left. “I can get started smoking it tomorrow.”
“Henry and I are going fishing in the morning,” Dean replied. “I can give you a hand once we get back. Mrs. Kavinsky’s arthritis is acting up again, so Maryanne asked for Cas.”
Ben shrugged. “It’s cool, Dad. Henry’s been itching to go fishing for a while now.”
Dean thought of the childhood his son should have had-and what he willingly gave up to look after the younger kids and shoulder his share of the burden.
“Maybe you should come with us,” Dean suggested, trying to figure the logistics in his head; someone had to stay with the little ones, and Dean wasn’t quite ready to ask Sam, which left Ben and Mary. And with Casey being new, Dean didn’t want to leave Mary without backup.
The fish generally stopped biting mid-morning, so Dean would be home by noon, but that left the kids alone during the morning, and Ben and Mary would be better able to take care of things if they tag-teamed.
They would have better luck at White River, but that meant a day-trip. The local creek afforded some good trout, and a few other kinds of fish, and time was too precious to spend it fishing when nothing would likely come of it-much as Dean would like to do nothing but cast a line all day.
“We should head up to White River this fall.” The hopeful grin on Ben’s face cemented the plan for Dean. “We’ll camp out a few days, eat what we catch, hunt some turkey.”
“All of us?”
Dean grinned. “Yeah, all of us. It’ll be like a real family vacation for once.”
“We don’t take family vacations,” Ben countered. “Not since…”
He trailed off, but Dean knew that Ben was referring to the trips they used to take to see Bobby, before the old man had died. The last trip out to Sioux Falls had come shortly after Henry had come to stay with them, and they hadn’t left the farm since-unless a hunting trip had come up.
“I know.” Dean let his words hang, hoping Ben understood that Dean did know, that he had some inkling of how hard-how different-life was for them. He didn’t have to say it out loud, so he changed the subject. “You saw the car when you pulled up?”
Ben nodded. “I saw. New kid?”
“Casey,” Dean replied. “Her dad left to find work, and he couldn’t take her along.”
Ben’s snort of derision indicated what he thought of that. If there was one lesson that his own dad taught Dean, and that Dean had passed along to Ben, it was that you didn’t leave family behind. Not ever, not for any reason.
“That’s what I said, too,” Dean said mildly. “But that means we’ll have one more for dinner for the foreseeable future. Cas seems to think we’ll get by.”
Ben nodded slowly. “Yeah. How old is she?”
“Eight, or about that.”
“She won’t eat much then.” Ben rubbed his jaw in an unconscious imitation of Dean, and he couldn’t help the swell of pride that rose in him.
All of the kids he and Cas had taken in over the years were theirs, but Ben was his. Ben was special.
“Can’t say for sure,” Dean reminded him. “But Pastor Joe was the one to send her this way, so I imagine we’ll be getting some help. Roger’s got that side of beef, and we’ll get pork from Orrin, too.”
“The garden is doing well,” Ben pointed out, sounding optimistic. “If Cas and Mary manage to can as much this year as they did last, we’ll be in good shape there, too.”
Dean grinned. Cas and Mary had canned like fiends the previous year, and he could still remember walking into their kitchen to find Cas flushed with the steam and heat, dressed in a pair of cut-offs and an ancient tank top. It had taken all of Dean’s willpower not to take him right there on the kitchen floor, but they’d had a remarkable night.
“We will. I think we’ll-” Dean stopped when he heard the floorboards creak in the doorway. Sam stepped into the room a moment later, and Dean frowned, wondering how much Sam had overheard, and what had put that expression on his brother’s face.
Sam looked freaked out, and Dean felt a stirring of unease. From the moment Sam had arrived, Dean had expected him to run again, because that’s what Sam did. But Dean wasn’t the only one who would be left behind now. Ben was already thinking about Sam staying long-term.
“Hey, Uncle Sam.” Ben greeted Sam easily, and Dean remembered that all he’d told Ben was that Sam had disappeared in the middle of the apocalypse. So many people had lost touch with loved ones, it was no wonder that Ben didn’t question it. Ben looked at Dean, “Hey, maybe we should outfit the loft in the barn for a double room.”
Dean forced a smile. “For you and Sam, huh?”
Ben looked at Sam. “Sure, why not? I mean, we could use the extra room, and the porch isn’t going to work past September.”
“Sam?” Dean asked. “You thinking about sticking around for the winter?”
“Sure.” Sam’s smile looked forced to Dean, and he suspected that Sam only said that because Ben had asked. “Like I said, I don’t have anywhere else to be.”
Dean thought for a moment. “The loft is big enough that it might work for three people. Mary may want her own space.”
“Sounds perfect.” Sam’s words indicated agreement, but Dean still didn’t think Sam would stick it out.
He never did.
Still, Dean wasn’t about to let onto his suspicions in front of Ben. “Then we’ll plan on finishing out the loft. Cas and I have been talking about it anyway.”
And even if Sam didn’t stay, at least Ben and Mary would have their own rooms to go to if they wanted. That would be something.
~~~~~
Sam had somehow believed that Dean’s family was static. Dean had five kids when Sam appeared, and that was as many kids as he’d ever have. Granted, Sam hadn’t expected Dean to have any kids, other than Ben, so maybe he shouldn’t be so surprised when a sixth one popped up.
But just a couple of days after Sam arrived, Dean had taken in a new stray, and Sam knew the house had already been bursting at the seams. There wasn’t room for him, there weren’t enough resources for him, and Sam didn’t fit into Dean’s new life.
It would be better for everyone if he left, just took off before anyone got used to him being around.
Feeling some reluctance, Sam followed Ben and Dean outside to the barn, and he followed behind as they ascended the ladder, talking plans. “It wouldn’t take too much to finish this off,” Dean admitted as they looked around. “I’ll talk to Ernest about insulation, and Jerry should have some spare lumber.”
“Awesome.” Ben’s face was alight with pleasure, and Sam was forcibly reminded of a hot summer’s afternoon at Bobby’s, one of those times that their dad had left them, when Bobby had taken them to the local pool.
Dean had taken on a lot of responsibility from an early age, but at Bobby’s, Dean let down his guard a bit. Now, at this moment, Sam could see that same maturity on Ben’s face, brought on by worry over others.
And here Sam was, just adding to their burden.
“What do you think, Sam?”
He started, blinking at Dean, lost in his memories. “What?”
“What do you think?” Dean repeated. “You still with us?”
“Yeah, sure,” Sam managed. “Sorry. I was just-thinking.”
Dean smiled, but his expression held none of the openness of Ben’s. “No problem. I was just saying that we could start finishing this space next week. Shouldn’t take too long with another pair of hands.”
“Happy to help,” Sam replied, hoping that he sounded sincere-and he was sincere. He just didn’t know how long he’d be around.
Dean nodded. “Great. We’ll start drawing up plans and get going. Coming, Ben? We need to get some steaks.”
“Right behind you, Dad.”
Sam stayed put. Dean hadn’t invited him to accompany them, and he didn’t feel like tagging along.
A wave of self-pity washed over him, and Sam slapped a hand on the wooden wall. He wasn’t so far gone that he was willing to break his fist punching solid wood, especially since it would mean explaining a broken hand to Dean and Cas, not to mention half a dozen kids.
Sam ran a hand through his hair, and began to pace across the loft. The sun streamed through the open windows at both ends. There were no screens, and no glass, although Sam had seen the shutters pressed up against the outside walls.
It was a great space. A hundred years ago-at least, it felt like a hundred years to Sam-he would have responded the same way Ben had. This would have been a perfect bedroom when he’d been a kid-away from the main house, with just a hint of independence, and yet still not too far away. Sam suspected that Ben had been thinking about this plan for a while, and that his presence was merely an excuse to do what he’d wanted.
With Sam here, Ben could get what he wanted, and no one would care too much once Sam was gone.
“There you are.”
Sam whirled to see Cas’ head popping up through the trap door. “Cas. Did you need something?”
“I wanted to talk to you.” He emerged fully into the room, wearing the same canvas trousers and blue t-shirt he’d been in the day Sam had arrived. “Do you have a minute?”
“I’ve got all the time in the world,” Sam replied, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. “What did you need, Cas?”
Cas stopped several feet away, his face taking on that familiar intensity. Castiel had looked that way when he was an angel, when he’d first given up the search for God to stay with Dean full-time. Sam felt a chill as he realized what sort of conversation this was likely to be.
“You’re thinking of leaving,” Cas stated. His tone left no room for argument.
Sam opened his mouth to deny it, and then said, “You don’t need me here.”
“No, we don’t,” Cas replied bluntly. “We needed you six years ago. We’ve learned to live without you, and without your help.”
Sam swallowed hard at the harsh words. “Cas, I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t try to find out,” Cas shot back. “Bobby was there, Sam. You knew where Dean was going, knew that he’d leave Ben with Bobby. I was present when he told you as much.”
There was no response, no excuse, Sam could give. “I know. I just-I didn’t. I couldn’t.”
“I understand.”
Sam let out a sigh. “You do.”
“Yes, I do. I understand making a choice, Sam. Why didn’t you come?”
Sam shook his head. “I wanted to. I picked up a phone to call Bobby half a dozen times, but I knew I wouldn’t be any good for Ben. I’m still not. I’m no good for you.”
Sam suddenly found himself shoved up against the wall, Cas’ hands gripping the front of his shirt, holding him tight.
Sam could breathe-just-but he swallowed hard when he felt the raw power in Cas’ hands.
“You’re being a self-pitying jerk,” Cas said conversationally. “Do you know what Dean went through? How often he called Bobby, hoping that you had made contact? How he flinched every time we heard news from a hunter, because he was sure he’d hear news of your death?”
“And I thought he was dead!” Sam cried out. “I was told-”
“You didn’t call Bobby, that’s on you,” Cas snarled. “Dean’s grief, that’s on you, too. I searched for you in Norman, Sam, but you were gone.”
“I-”
“No.” Cas pushed him up against the wall again, and the back of Sam’s skull hit the rough boards hard. “No, you’re going to listen. I’m going to tell you this as a favor, because I don’t believe you meant any harm, and because you’re Dean’s brother.”
“What?” Sam choked out.
“Dean will forgive you, given enough time. If you stick it out, he’ll get over you leaving, because he knows what Kevin told you, and why you believed what you did.” Cas held him in place. “We don’t need you, but Dean’s never stopped wishing you were here.”
“He’s pissed off I left.”
“Of course he’s pissed off. You don’t know what we went through, what we had to do just to keep ourselves fed and clothed. But he’ll forgive you if you stick it out.” Cas gave him another shove for emphasis. “And if you leave, you leave soon, and you never come back.”
“What?” Sam choked out.
“That’s the deal,” Cas replied. “Dean will forgive you for not trying going to Bobby’s, or trying harder to find him-eventually. You’re his brother, and he still loves you. But if you leave now, he’ll never get over it, and you’ll never be welcome here again.”
Cas released him and took a step back. “That’s the deal. Stay, or go. Whatever you do, it’s up to me to make sure Dean weathers it when you decide to leave again.”
“What am I supposed to do if I stay?” Sam demanded. “I don’t fit here. I’m-”
“You’ll do what the rest of us have done.” Cas’ voice cracked out over the space between them. “You’ll find something worthwhile, and you’ll learn how to build, rather than to tear down. I doubt you’ve had much experience with that, but you’ll figure it out.”
Sam felt as though he’d been slapped. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”
“And you don’t know what Dean has done.” Cas’ mouth twisted into a smile, as he turned to head back down the ladder. “I’m warning you, Sam-you either stay, or you go. I won’t let you hurt Dean again.”
Sam believed him; it was hard not to. Cas sounded fierce and completely angelic, like his old self, and he had a sudden realization. “You’re not human,” he blurted out.
“Not completely, no.” Cas turned to face him. “I made my choice. Dean doesn’t know. It doesn’t matter, and he’d only feel guilty.” Cas gave him a hard look. “I expect you to keep your mouth shut about this, Sam. If you have any love for your brother, you will.”
His feet clomped down the ladder, and Sam slid down the wall, resting his forearms on his knees, hanging his head. He knew that what Cas said about leaving was true-he could go, or he could stay, but he had one choice. There would be no going back once he made it.
Before, Sam could have pled ignorance, but now he knew the truth, he knew everything. In some ways, Dean’s life was an open book in front of him-farm, committed partner, some sort of work, and half a dozen kids.
In other ways, Dean was a stranger to him.
Sam rubbed his eyes, trying to sort out his thoughts. He knew that Cas had told him to make his decision soon, but Sam needed more time. He’d take a few days to wait and watch and see if he could find any sort of life for himself here.
Chapter 9: Rural South Dakota, Mid-Summer 2016
Dean hadn’t been able to celebrate Ben’s good luck and skill because he’d been too busy getting Casey settled, but he always made it a point to praise his kids’ achievements. He figured criticism would stick better that way.
So, as soon as Ben and Sam returned and unpacked the meat, Dean called Ben into the kitchen.
Ben’s expression was a little wary, but he broke out in a grin when Dean shoved a small glass of mead in his direction. “Congratulations, son. You made quite a haul.”
“Thanks.” Ben sipped the amber liquid like a pro, and sat down at the kitchen table to Dean’s left. “I can get started smoking it tomorrow.”
“Henry and I are going fishing in the morning,” Dean replied. “I can give you a hand once we get back. Mrs. Kavinsky’s arthritis is acting up again, so Maryanne asked for Cas.”
Ben shrugged. “It’s cool, Dad. Henry’s been itching to go fishing for a while now.”
Dean thought of the childhood his son should have had-and what he willingly gave up to look after the younger kids and shoulder his share of the burden.
“Maybe you should come with us,” Dean suggested, trying to figure the logistics in his head; someone had to stay with the little ones, and Dean wasn’t quite ready to ask Sam, which left Ben and Mary. And with Casey being new, Dean didn’t want to leave Mary without backup.
The fish generally stopped biting mid-morning, so Dean would be home by noon, but that left the kids alone during the morning, and Ben and Mary would be better able to take care of things if they tag-teamed.
They would have better luck at White River, but that meant a day-trip. The local creek afforded some good trout, and a few other kinds of fish, and time was too precious to spend it fishing when nothing would likely come of it-much as Dean would like to do nothing but cast a line all day.
“We should head up to White River this fall.” The hopeful grin on Ben’s face cemented the plan for Dean. “We’ll camp out a few days, eat what we catch, hunt some turkey.”
“All of us?”
Dean grinned. “Yeah, all of us. It’ll be like a real family vacation for once.”
“We don’t take family vacations,” Ben countered. “Not since…”
He trailed off, but Dean knew that Ben was referring to the trips they used to take to see Bobby, before the old man had died. The last trip out to Sioux Falls had come shortly after Henry had come to stay with them, and they hadn’t left the farm since-unless a hunting trip had come up.
“I know.” Dean let his words hang, hoping Ben understood that Dean did know, that he had some inkling of how hard-how different-life was for them. He didn’t have to say it out loud, so he changed the subject. “You saw the car when you pulled up?”
Ben nodded. “I saw. New kid?”
“Casey,” Dean replied. “Her dad left to find work, and he couldn’t take her along.”
Ben’s snort of derision indicated what he thought of that. If there was one lesson that his own dad taught Dean, and that Dean had passed along to Ben, it was that you didn’t leave family behind. Not ever, not for any reason.
“That’s what I said, too,” Dean said mildly. “But that means we’ll have one more for dinner for the foreseeable future. Cas seems to think we’ll get by.”
Ben nodded slowly. “Yeah. How old is she?”
“Eight, or about that.”
“She won’t eat much then.” Ben rubbed his jaw in an unconscious imitation of Dean, and he couldn’t help the swell of pride that rose in him.
All of the kids he and Cas had taken in over the years were theirs, but Ben was his. Ben was special.
“Can’t say for sure,” Dean reminded him. “But Pastor Joe was the one to send her this way, so I imagine we’ll be getting some help. Roger’s got that side of beef, and we’ll get pork from Orrin, too.”
“The garden is doing well,” Ben pointed out, sounding optimistic. “If Cas and Mary manage to can as much this year as they did last, we’ll be in good shape there, too.”
Dean grinned. Cas and Mary had canned like fiends the previous year, and he could still remember walking into their kitchen to find Cas flushed with the steam and heat, dressed in a pair of cut-offs and an ancient tank top. It had taken all of Dean’s willpower not to take him right there on the kitchen floor, but they’d had a remarkable night.
“We will. I think we’ll-” Dean stopped when he heard the floorboards creak in the doorway. Sam stepped into the room a moment later, and Dean frowned, wondering how much Sam had overheard, and what had put that expression on his brother’s face.
Sam looked freaked out, and Dean felt a stirring of unease. From the moment Sam had arrived, Dean had expected him to run again, because that’s what Sam did. But Dean wasn’t the only one who would be left behind now. Ben was already thinking about Sam staying long-term.
“Hey, Uncle Sam.” Ben greeted Sam easily, and Dean remembered that all he’d told Ben was that Sam had disappeared in the middle of the apocalypse. So many people had lost touch with loved ones, it was no wonder that Ben didn’t question it. Ben looked at Dean, “Hey, maybe we should outfit the loft in the barn for a double room.”
Dean forced a smile. “For you and Sam, huh?”
Ben looked at Sam. “Sure, why not? I mean, we could use the extra room, and the porch isn’t going to work past September.”
“Sam?” Dean asked. “You thinking about sticking around for the winter?”
“Sure.” Sam’s smile looked forced to Dean, and he suspected that Sam only said that because Ben had asked. “Like I said, I don’t have anywhere else to be.”
Dean thought for a moment. “The loft is big enough that it might work for three people. Mary may want her own space.”
“Sounds perfect.” Sam’s words indicated agreement, but Dean still didn’t think Sam would stick it out.
He never did.
Still, Dean wasn’t about to let onto his suspicions in front of Ben. “Then we’ll plan on finishing out the loft. Cas and I have been talking about it anyway.”
And even if Sam didn’t stay, at least Ben and Mary would have their own rooms to go to if they wanted. That would be something.
~~~~~
Sam had somehow believed that Dean’s family was static. Dean had five kids when Sam appeared, and that was as many kids as he’d ever have. Granted, Sam hadn’t expected Dean to have any kids, other than Ben, so maybe he shouldn’t be so surprised when a sixth one popped up.
But just a couple of days after Sam arrived, Dean had taken in a new stray, and Sam knew the house had already been bursting at the seams. There wasn’t room for him, there weren’t enough resources for him, and Sam didn’t fit into Dean’s new life.
It would be better for everyone if he left, just took off before anyone got used to him being around.
Feeling some reluctance, Sam followed Ben and Dean outside to the barn, and he followed behind as they ascended the ladder, talking plans. “It wouldn’t take too much to finish this off,” Dean admitted as they looked around. “I’ll talk to Ernest about insulation, and Jerry should have some spare lumber.”
“Awesome.” Ben’s face was alight with pleasure, and Sam was forcibly reminded of a hot summer’s afternoon at Bobby’s, one of those times that their dad had left them, when Bobby had taken them to the local pool.
Dean had taken on a lot of responsibility from an early age, but at Bobby’s, Dean let down his guard a bit. Now, at this moment, Sam could see that same maturity on Ben’s face, brought on by worry over others.
And here Sam was, just adding to their burden.
“What do you think, Sam?”
He started, blinking at Dean, lost in his memories. “What?”
“What do you think?” Dean repeated. “You still with us?”
“Yeah, sure,” Sam managed. “Sorry. I was just-thinking.”
Dean smiled, but his expression held none of the openness of Ben’s. “No problem. I was just saying that we could start finishing this space next week. Shouldn’t take too long with another pair of hands.”
“Happy to help,” Sam replied, hoping that he sounded sincere-and he was sincere. He just didn’t know how long he’d be around.
Dean nodded. “Great. We’ll start drawing up plans and get going. Coming, Ben? We need to get some steaks.”
“Right behind you, Dad.”
Sam stayed put. Dean hadn’t invited him to accompany them, and he didn’t feel like tagging along.
A wave of self-pity washed over him, and Sam slapped a hand on the wooden wall. He wasn’t so far gone that he was willing to break his fist punching solid wood, especially since it would mean explaining a broken hand to Dean and Cas, not to mention half a dozen kids.
Sam ran a hand through his hair, and began to pace across the loft. The sun streamed through the open windows at both ends. There were no screens, and no glass, although Sam had seen the shutters pressed up against the outside walls.
It was a great space. A hundred years ago-at least, it felt like a hundred years to Sam-he would have responded the same way Ben had. This would have been a perfect bedroom when he’d been a kid-away from the main house, with just a hint of independence, and yet still not too far away. Sam suspected that Ben had been thinking about this plan for a while, and that his presence was merely an excuse to do what he’d wanted.
With Sam here, Ben could get what he wanted, and no one would care too much once Sam was gone.
“There you are.”
Sam whirled to see Cas’ head popping up through the trap door. “Cas. Did you need something?”
“I wanted to talk to you.” He emerged fully into the room, wearing the same canvas trousers and blue t-shirt he’d been in the day Sam had arrived. “Do you have a minute?”
“I’ve got all the time in the world,” Sam replied, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice. “What did you need, Cas?”
Cas stopped several feet away, his face taking on that familiar intensity. Castiel had looked that way when he was an angel, when he’d first given up the search for God to stay with Dean full-time. Sam felt a chill as he realized what sort of conversation this was likely to be.
“You’re thinking of leaving,” Cas stated. His tone left no room for argument.
Sam opened his mouth to deny it, and then said, “You don’t need me here.”
“No, we don’t,” Cas replied bluntly. “We needed you six years ago. We’ve learned to live without you, and without your help.”
Sam swallowed hard at the harsh words. “Cas, I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t try to find out,” Cas shot back. “Bobby was there, Sam. You knew where Dean was going, knew that he’d leave Ben with Bobby. I was present when he told you as much.”
There was no response, no excuse, Sam could give. “I know. I just-I didn’t. I couldn’t.”
“I understand.”
Sam let out a sigh. “You do.”
“Yes, I do. I understand making a choice, Sam. Why didn’t you come?”
Sam shook his head. “I wanted to. I picked up a phone to call Bobby half a dozen times, but I knew I wouldn’t be any good for Ben. I’m still not. I’m no good for you.”
Sam suddenly found himself shoved up against the wall, Cas’ hands gripping the front of his shirt, holding him tight.
Sam could breathe-just-but he swallowed hard when he felt the raw power in Cas’ hands.
“You’re being a self-pitying jerk,” Cas said conversationally. “Do you know what Dean went through? How often he called Bobby, hoping that you had made contact? How he flinched every time we heard news from a hunter, because he was sure he’d hear news of your death?”
“And I thought he was dead!” Sam cried out. “I was told-”
“You didn’t call Bobby, that’s on you,” Cas snarled. “Dean’s grief, that’s on you, too. I searched for you in Norman, Sam, but you were gone.”
“I-”
“No.” Cas pushed him up against the wall again, and the back of Sam’s skull hit the rough boards hard. “No, you’re going to listen. I’m going to tell you this as a favor, because I don’t believe you meant any harm, and because you’re Dean’s brother.”
“What?” Sam choked out.
“Dean will forgive you, given enough time. If you stick it out, he’ll get over you leaving, because he knows what Kevin told you, and why you believed what you did.” Cas held him in place. “We don’t need you, but Dean’s never stopped wishing you were here.”
“He’s pissed off I left.”
“Of course he’s pissed off. You don’t know what we went through, what we had to do just to keep ourselves fed and clothed. But he’ll forgive you if you stick it out.” Cas gave him another shove for emphasis. “And if you leave, you leave soon, and you never come back.”
“What?” Sam choked out.
“That’s the deal,” Cas replied. “Dean will forgive you for not trying going to Bobby’s, or trying harder to find him-eventually. You’re his brother, and he still loves you. But if you leave now, he’ll never get over it, and you’ll never be welcome here again.”
Cas released him and took a step back. “That’s the deal. Stay, or go. Whatever you do, it’s up to me to make sure Dean weathers it when you decide to leave again.”
“What am I supposed to do if I stay?” Sam demanded. “I don’t fit here. I’m-”
“You’ll do what the rest of us have done.” Cas’ voice cracked out over the space between them. “You’ll find something worthwhile, and you’ll learn how to build, rather than to tear down. I doubt you’ve had much experience with that, but you’ll figure it out.”
Sam felt as though he’d been slapped. “You don’t know what I’ve done.”
“And you don’t know what Dean has done.” Cas’ mouth twisted into a smile, as he turned to head back down the ladder. “I’m warning you, Sam-you either stay, or you go. I won’t let you hurt Dean again.”
Sam believed him; it was hard not to. Cas sounded fierce and completely angelic, like his old self, and he had a sudden realization. “You’re not human,” he blurted out.
“Not completely, no.” Cas turned to face him. “I made my choice. Dean doesn’t know. It doesn’t matter, and he’d only feel guilty.” Cas gave him a hard look. “I expect you to keep your mouth shut about this, Sam. If you have any love for your brother, you will.”
His feet clomped down the ladder, and Sam slid down the wall, resting his forearms on his knees, hanging his head. He knew that what Cas said about leaving was true-he could go, or he could stay, but he had one choice. There would be no going back once he made it.
Before, Sam could have pled ignorance, but now he knew the truth, he knew everything. In some ways, Dean’s life was an open book in front of him-farm, committed partner, some sort of work, and half a dozen kids.
In other ways, Dean was a stranger to him.
Sam rubbed his eyes, trying to sort out his thoughts. He knew that Cas had told him to make his decision soon, but Sam needed more time. He’d take a few days to wait and watch and see if he could find any sort of life for himself here.