Depressed
I woke up this morning and my first thought was to wonder whatever happened to my "best friend" Eleanor who I last spoke with two weeks prior to Thanksgiving. Eleanor, I am guessing has had some sort of emotional meltdown, the specifics of which I am not privy to (unfortunately) because I am that much more worried about her for not knowing the reasons, or her current emotional stability. I have continued to write her letters and fill out cards, even buy a Christmas present, all of which are piled up here because she told me to break all contact until she called me back. Our last phone conversation had hinted that I would be hearing back from her by now, so as the weeks roll into months and the months stretch towards quarters my hope to get a call from her diminishes.
I had believed in the past that Eleanor was my closest and most trusted friend, proved out by the fact that we went on long road trips together and slept in the same room at hotels and the like, there had been no walls between us, we talked about everything together, shared secrets, were true companions and I had known her for five years. We went to movies, dinners, vacations basically everything, so I was shocked and dismayed the day I called her and she told me she couldnt spare any energy for me as she could barely spare any energy for herself and that I was not to call or visit or write again till I heard back from her which might be before Christmas. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all came and went, without a word. To say I miss her would be a gross understatment.
I am starting to second guess myself, maybe we were not as close a friendship as I had once thought, perhaps it was an illusion in my own mind and not the reality I had come to believe it was. Perhaps I am truly a fool.
The timing of her call could not have been worse, 19 minutes after I got off the phone with Eleanor, Hollie a woman I had met online and later in person whith whom I had been dating sent email notice that she wanted to place everything on hold, not "dumping me" in her words, but we were to no longer go out on dates or have cyberdates or continue with our plans of moving in together, she in short wanted a cooling off period or unamed length to be determined by her at some later date. Initially she didnt even send email anymore, though I now do once in a while hear from her in this manner. Now this coupled with the shocking call from Eleanor certainly made for a emotionally black night here in the frozen north.
A weeke later Lee Ti, a woman I had met online who lived in Thailand stopped writing back as well, there never was any explanation for that.
The final staw in this sordid little saga is that Tamantha, a friend who is suicidal with whom I had formed a bond also suddenly went silent and has remained so for 4 weeks. Is she dead? I cant find out, she lived in Las Vegas and I cant figure out how to check. My emails go unanswered and the snail mail as well. We had been talking now for nearly two years and I was privy to her self destructive tendencies and had been working with her to deal with them. She had sent me a big box of her clothes with the intention of comming out her to live at my house for several weeks, I had had high hopes of being what she needed to get through this problem, now I must face the real possibility that she is dead.
Work is no better, I have been at this company for more than 8 years and it is floundering on the rough seas of a market wide slowdown. I have had no real product work to do there in more than 10 weeks, rumors of a layoff are rampant. In addition we seem to have a very industrious theif working the building who the managment thinks is an employee. It seems 6 computers have been gutted of their insides, the empty shells were discovered hooked up to implanters that were shut down and locked off due to the work stopages. Naturally the managment has gone rabid in its anger at the thefts and we are being gradually ringing in cameras that now watch virtually every hallway and door in the place, with talk of them adding more to cover every room as well. It sort of feels like being in a modern prison now, everywhere you look a camera is staring at you, as well as secured electronic pass key access points, cyfer locks, airlocks and alarmed doors. To say work is a tense place to be at would be the understatment of the year and I am definately feeling the strain.
The world seems to be a dark place to me these days, I cant seem to break out of this funk. My closest friends and those I was careing for have vanished, my girlfriend has dropped me, work is a bear, the panic attacks are still occationally comming and they really fuck with my head, life has lost its luster the light at the end of the tunnel has been revealed to be the light of an oncomming train. I am sad.
I had believed in the past that Eleanor was my closest and most trusted friend, proved out by the fact that we went on long road trips together and slept in the same room at hotels and the like, there had been no walls between us, we talked about everything together, shared secrets, were true companions and I had known her for five years. We went to movies, dinners, vacations basically everything, so I was shocked and dismayed the day I called her and she told me she couldnt spare any energy for me as she could barely spare any energy for herself and that I was not to call or visit or write again till I heard back from her which might be before Christmas. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years all came and went, without a word. To say I miss her would be a gross understatment.
I am starting to second guess myself, maybe we were not as close a friendship as I had once thought, perhaps it was an illusion in my own mind and not the reality I had come to believe it was. Perhaps I am truly a fool.
The timing of her call could not have been worse, 19 minutes after I got off the phone with Eleanor, Hollie a woman I had met online and later in person whith whom I had been dating sent email notice that she wanted to place everything on hold, not "dumping me" in her words, but we were to no longer go out on dates or have cyberdates or continue with our plans of moving in together, she in short wanted a cooling off period or unamed length to be determined by her at some later date. Initially she didnt even send email anymore, though I now do once in a while hear from her in this manner. Now this coupled with the shocking call from Eleanor certainly made for a emotionally black night here in the frozen north.
A weeke later Lee Ti, a woman I had met online who lived in Thailand stopped writing back as well, there never was any explanation for that.
The final staw in this sordid little saga is that Tamantha, a friend who is suicidal with whom I had formed a bond also suddenly went silent and has remained so for 4 weeks. Is she dead? I cant find out, she lived in Las Vegas and I cant figure out how to check. My emails go unanswered and the snail mail as well. We had been talking now for nearly two years and I was privy to her self destructive tendencies and had been working with her to deal with them. She had sent me a big box of her clothes with the intention of comming out her to live at my house for several weeks, I had had high hopes of being what she needed to get through this problem, now I must face the real possibility that she is dead.
Work is no better, I have been at this company for more than 8 years and it is floundering on the rough seas of a market wide slowdown. I have had no real product work to do there in more than 10 weeks, rumors of a layoff are rampant. In addition we seem to have a very industrious theif working the building who the managment thinks is an employee. It seems 6 computers have been gutted of their insides, the empty shells were discovered hooked up to implanters that were shut down and locked off due to the work stopages. Naturally the managment has gone rabid in its anger at the thefts and we are being gradually ringing in cameras that now watch virtually every hallway and door in the place, with talk of them adding more to cover every room as well. It sort of feels like being in a modern prison now, everywhere you look a camera is staring at you, as well as secured electronic pass key access points, cyfer locks, airlocks and alarmed doors. To say work is a tense place to be at would be the understatment of the year and I am definately feeling the strain.
The world seems to be a dark place to me these days, I cant seem to break out of this funk. My closest friends and those I was careing for have vanished, my girlfriend has dropped me, work is a bear, the panic attacks are still occationally comming and they really fuck with my head, life has lost its luster the light at the end of the tunnel has been revealed to be the light of an oncomming train. I am sad.