Mini-vacay, post break up
Home in ep, watching gossip girl again on Netflix, reminiscing on old times with Tessa, and rethinking my life choices. Rejection has always been hard for me and years of self-preservation and a superficial high self esteem has not helped. It's been about a month, and realistically I haven't been handling it well. There's something about getting dumped over text by your best friend after a year and a half that is really hard to honestly forgive, specially after a text apology. I hate being bitter, yet I feed the monster with the drama of imaginary people ridiculous lives and ridiculous actions. I don't even have time for a relationship, but I find myself overly focused on this. I'm sure resorting to life advice from high society fiction has and always will lead me astray, but it certainly does wonders for my state of mind and helps me stop feeling so desperate. Yet here I am ranting like a high school girl.
I have an internship and the restaurant is practically a dream, and it's so nerve wrecking and exciting and I love it and I hate it! I want this so bad and I'm finally doing something challenging and worthwhile but I don't have the confidence that i can finish this. I've never made so many mistakes than in the first few days, and that's really not so disheartening in itself, nor is the terrifying way the kindest, most innovative and most talented chef I've ever met scolds me, it's just the fact that I did this at a terrible time. Now Ive got my foot in the door and can't wait to get in, but with my last quarter before graduating, and an insanely complicated schedule coming up, I know in my heart that I can't do this job right now, and that is so frustrating. School has to be my first priority, and I want it to be, but now my heart has been stolen by this surreal experience, not to mention I'm heart broken in love and furious that I can't trust my best friend when I need him most because no one else understands this life, this career, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like if I let my frustrations show I will only turn back into that girl that pushes everyone away, the girl that pushed my best friend away, I will become ugly and crying and hysterical and just pathetic. This is how I'm not handling rejection well. I feel utterly pathetic, and that is such an ugly color on me.
My cousin got married today, it was beautiful and romantic and exactly the kind of energy and family experience I needed. I got new shoes yesterday and my dad was there, that was really nerve wrecking, I so dreaded him catching a glimpse of my tattoo, but I survived another day! I got to see family that I haven't seen in years as well as lovely church friends who are all grown up, like me I guess, and they were all there with their Christian dates, and it made me really thankful for my life since my mom married my dad and took me away from all that. It may be completely cynical, but my dad made a great point, that love isn't really forever. Care, and tenderness may be forever, but passion tends to die just like we do. I'm so grateful for my life in America, it's ugly to admit but I would've been one of those Christian girls with the Christian boyfriend that married one of them and had a quiet life for ever and ever. My dad says to always keep aiming higher, and he's usually right about these things, as cynical as they may be.
So, taking advice from gossip girl and my dad, I have to stop living in the past. I have to drop this habit of clinging to comfort. Unless I've already grown up and I'm not accepting who I am, which really is more confusing than all of the above. I hate when people play games with me, so I shouldn't play games with others, it's unfair. If Brandon is truly the friend he claims to be, I shouldn't be afraid to be honest that there is no game because I think it's time to throw in the towel, even if it goes against who I am, it's not the end of the world...