I hope no one reads this as I'm just going to whine
hmmmm so..... I started my college career today by forcing myself through the memoir of a very boring, highly irrelevent man only to find I actually liked it. Not enough to actually want to keep reading, but enough to feel the satisfaction of understanding a life completely different from my own. This required 4 pink high lighters, the fourth of which, ran out just as I was finishing the epilogue a mere 360 pages into the memoir. I suppose the boy appealed to my dreamer sensabilities, to stare off at the stars and wonder.... no, to know, that is the satisfaction. I don't have this, but I did come close to tears when his cat died. All the same, I am trying very hard to put doing over feeling, for doing is progress and feeling is just wasting. wasting.... away. mmm, this summer has slipped into the habit of last summer, externalizing pain I suppose, actually, that's not technically externalizing, it's just giving purpose to. At least I am very aware of the issue, I am going to have to give it some real thought, the thing is, food, well, it just doesn't appeal to me any more, I crave nothing but juice and cigarettes. and sleep of course, sleep would be divine. but my mind, it just ticks in circles, circles of people, like playing ring around the rosey. it doesn't particularly matter who falls first, they all fall. mundane I'd say. virginia beach on the 31st? perhaps, we will see. I miss my hope, but it lingers still, the one thing that never truely dies, it shrinks, then grows again with time. and every inch of my yearns for three weeks and a day to pass, even if only to be disappointed. you may write it all off as everyone has, even him, but i still have my teaspoon of hope, perhaps I am pathetic, but i believed in it, part of me always will, no matter what happens, and no, no one will ever understand, don't try to. i trust and believe in someone who is very far away, whether he loves me or not, I will be thrilled when these three weeks (and a day) end. until then, I must try to eat i suppose, and watch my pennies, and try to get virginia beach worked out, and learn a little, and laugh despite everything. that's important, laugh despite everything. if only i had a purpose in life. if only anyone did. why do i believe love to be so much more important than ambition? then spending your life trying to change things when it will never matter either way. I can't change things, but if i can live and love and enjoy my life, well what does ambition matter then? if only i had the passion of a rocket scientist, but alas, I am only an idealist with a green computer who writes for no one to read. there must be something more. i'll go to the library tomorrow and find out.