Johnny Depp, you're Officially Terminated From My Heart
THIS ENTRY CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 4: ON STRANGER TIDES
Ever since Tim Burton's fanfic of Alice in Wonderland made it to the big screen, I'd sent Johnny Depp to his room to think about what he had done. I resolved into cutting down his benefits, and leaving him out of a dental plan. I was, however, expecting that maybe a future project would redeem himself and make me stop looking at him as the whore he's become.
I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides today. He's officially fired from my heart.
I know what you're gonna say, kyvie already said it, "Why did you watch it Julieta? Why. Would. You. Do. Such. A. Thing?" Short answer: A friend asked me to. Long answer: I hadn't seen this friend in a LONG time, and he hadn't heard about how shitty the movie is, and he was tryig to make me happy by suggesting a movie from a franchise I really (now, mostly) like.
My God. It was so much worse than I expected. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say this was even worse than AVATAR (I don't know about The Last Airbender tho, I didn't see that one). I really wasn't looking forward to it, since I thought that, while the third movie was pretty batshit, it had given the whole story a good feeling of closure. I had left the theatre feeling that, while still wanting to see more of Captain Jack's adventures, I didn't really feel the need to watch them unfold. Then the news of a fourth instalment broke, and my heart sunk (pun maybe intended). What is it with this current need for sequels to every single movie, Hollywood!? WHY!?
My general opinion on this piece of shit is that it was written for 10 year-olds to tell their parents to take them to see it over and over again. I am actually surprised that the screenwriters for the original trilogy worked on this, seeing how Jack was completely out of character, and nothing felt like the previous movies. There were virtually no jokes that made me smile (I think there must have been one, but I already forgot about it). And regarding the fight scenes? Extremly boring. All of them. All one million of them. I actually can't remember most of the movie! And I'm not exaggerating when I say that two hours had gone by before I even felt like a story was starting.
This franchise was all about Jack Sparrow. But when you have this dude who is mostly a witty coward who constantly evades fights mostly through his strange machiavelic doings confronting people, holding grudges, planning and being inlove, you can't help thinking that this was one of those really OOC fanfics that get a bunch of "OMG I CAN TOTALLY SEE THIS HAPPENING!! WRITE MORE *0*" reviews.
But wait! Just when you think it can't get any worse, Keith Richards makes a cameo! But wait! Just when you think it can't get any worse, it turns out that Black Beard's ship has a flame thrower! But wait, just when you think it can't get any worse, it turns out that mermaids are vampires too! Vampires who can throw seaweed as if the were the fucking spider man!! But wait! Just when you think it can't get any worse, the mildly-handsome and extremly uninteresting dude falls inlove with the cardboard mermaid (whom he calls "Syrena" or something). But wait! Just when you think it can't get any worse, EVERYTHING ELSE THAT COULD MAKE IT WORSE HAPPENS!!
The few things that made me laugh were accidental, such as:
- The character that made me think of Futurama's Hedonism Bot (before it was stated that it was actually King George II, then I thought it was pretty tacky :\ )
- Black Beard's aforementioned flame-throwing ship
- A mermaid slapping a dude with her tail as she jumped over their small boat, making every single great white shark in South Africa proud.
- The missionary's and mermaid's love story... it was just... so Twilight-esque
- The aforementioned missionary whose only function was to get repeatedly stabbed and bleed all over the place all night long
- The group of Spanish soldiers (and King?) who traveled ALL THE WAY to the Fountain of youth just so they could destroy it (because it was a pagan temple).
- At the end of the movie, when my friend and I were leaving and he found an almost-full bucket of popcorn which he picked up and we ate (this was not part of the movie tho...).
In conclusion: Everything in this movie is just a big pile of expensive, empty, plastic bottles that don't even look all that nice.
It's the Dragon Ball GT of Dragon Ball. The Albus Severus Potter of names for your children. The Khloé Kardashian of the Kardashians. The Chang or Pierce in the study-group. The [useless and annoying book character] in [book reference].
Oh, and I want to watch the first one again. Because I really liked that one.
Ever since Tim Burton's fanfic of Alice in Wonderland made it to the big screen, I'd sent Johnny Depp to his room to think about what he had done. I resolved into cutting down his benefits, and leaving him out of a dental plan. I was, however, expecting that maybe a future project would redeem himself and make me stop looking at him as the whore he's become.
I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4: On Stranger Tides today. He's officially fired from my heart.
I know what you're gonna say, kyvie already said it, "Why did you watch it Julieta? Why. Would. You. Do. Such. A. Thing?" Short answer: A friend asked me to. Long answer: I hadn't seen this friend in a LONG time, and he hadn't heard about how shitty the movie is, and he was tryig to make me happy by suggesting a movie from a franchise I really (now, mostly) like.
My God. It was so much worse than I expected. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say this was even worse than AVATAR (I don't know about The Last Airbender tho, I didn't see that one). I really wasn't looking forward to it, since I thought that, while the third movie was pretty batshit, it had given the whole story a good feeling of closure. I had left the theatre feeling that, while still wanting to see more of Captain Jack's adventures, I didn't really feel the need to watch them unfold. Then the news of a fourth instalment broke, and my heart sunk (pun maybe intended). What is it with this current need for sequels to every single movie, Hollywood!? WHY!?
My general opinion on this piece of shit is that it was written for 10 year-olds to tell their parents to take them to see it over and over again. I am actually surprised that the screenwriters for the original trilogy worked on this, seeing how Jack was completely out of character, and nothing felt like the previous movies. There were virtually no jokes that made me smile (I think there must have been one, but I already forgot about it). And regarding the fight scenes? Extremly boring. All of them. All one million of them. I actually can't remember most of the movie! And I'm not exaggerating when I say that two hours had gone by before I even felt like a story was starting.
This franchise was all about Jack Sparrow. But when you have this dude who is mostly a witty coward who constantly evades fights mostly through his strange machiavelic doings confronting people, holding grudges, planning and being inlove, you can't help thinking that this was one of those really OOC fanfics that get a bunch of "OMG I CAN TOTALLY SEE THIS HAPPENING!! WRITE MORE *0*" reviews.
But wait! Just when you think it can't get any worse, Keith Richards makes a cameo! But wait! Just when you think it can't get any worse, it turns out that Black Beard's ship has a flame thrower! But wait, just when you think it can't get any worse, it turns out that mermaids are vampires too! Vampires who can throw seaweed as if the were the fucking spider man!! But wait! Just when you think it can't get any worse, the mildly-handsome and extremly uninteresting dude falls inlove with the cardboard mermaid (whom he calls "Syrena" or something). But wait! Just when you think it can't get any worse, EVERYTHING ELSE THAT COULD MAKE IT WORSE HAPPENS!!
The few things that made me laugh were accidental, such as:
- The character that made me think of Futurama's Hedonism Bot (before it was stated that it was actually King George II, then I thought it was pretty tacky :\ )
- Black Beard's aforementioned flame-throwing ship
- A mermaid slapping a dude with her tail as she jumped over their small boat, making every single great white shark in South Africa proud.
- The missionary's and mermaid's love story... it was just... so Twilight-esque
- The aforementioned missionary whose only function was to get repeatedly stabbed and bleed all over the place all night long
- The group of Spanish soldiers (and King?) who traveled ALL THE WAY to the Fountain of youth just so they could destroy it (because it was a pagan temple).
- At the end of the movie, when my friend and I were leaving and he found an almost-full bucket of popcorn which he picked up and we ate (this was not part of the movie tho...).
In conclusion: Everything in this movie is just a big pile of expensive, empty, plastic bottles that don't even look all that nice.
It's the Dragon Ball GT of Dragon Ball. The Albus Severus Potter of names for your children. The Khloé Kardashian of the Kardashians. The Chang or Pierce in the study-group. The [useless and annoying book character] in [book reference].
Oh, and I want to watch the first one again. Because I really liked that one.