(no subject)
Well, I guess there is something I should probably talk about, and it's not going to be easy, let me tell you. And that something is second summer session in salzburg and the horrible consequences it has brought down upon me.
Let me tell you fuckers something about myself. I am COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT. I don't know my damn ass from my damn elbow, and I try to cover that up by acting like I know EVER GODDAMN THING THERE IS TO KNOW. But I don't know anything. Mark my words. Nothing. I know nothing about myself and even less about other people. All I know how to do is spout bullshit out of my ears, eyes and nose until I am practically buried in the shit and have no real idea how to get out.
For example.
Speaking of second session, there was one major consequence of going to Austria. I have a girlfriend. Her name is Jana Jorgensen and she is nothing like me and everything like me at the same time. We have nothing in common, and yet everything in common. You think this doesn't make sense? That's because it doesn't. Jana and I don't make sense. And what makes even less sense that that is that I am IN LOVE with Jana Jorgensen. That's right. I am in love with the world through the eyes of Jana. And I would ask you: WHY? Honestly, I don't know, besides to say that this girl is utterly out of my league, too hot for me to even begin to talk about. And besides, she's the kindest, most understanding person I have ever met, who honestly seems to love and care about other people without putting up any sort of front or expecting anything back. She gives and gives and gives and never gets anything back, but she smiles and says that it's okay.
In short, she's everything I wish I was, everything I pretend to be, and most importantly, EVERYTHING I AM NOT AM NOT AM NOT. Trust me, I have given this girl every single goddamn reason to break up with me over the last six weeks, and yet...I have a girlfriend. Despite my biggest asshole act, my biggest shit fits, she stands by me, and loves me as much as I love her.
So tell me.....when does the other shoe drop?
Because I'm ready. I'm braced for it. Let me have it. Hit me with that shit, break my heart, because I deserve it.
I am such a FUCKING HYPOCRITE. Most of you knew that already, but this is something that has come to me lately. I have bitched and bitched and bitched, whined and complained, about the fact that she is friends with her ex-boyfriends. And yet...who's my best friend in Portland? My fucking ex-girlfriend, that's who. Who I dated for two years, and who Jana justifiably feels threatened by, because I don't think Pear is over us, and I don't think she will be for a long time. But I will be GODDAMNED if that is going to break Jana and I up. I'll be a monkey's shit-throwing uncle.
Fuck it. I needed to change, and Jana is going to change me.
So I guess I should be happy.
But I'm not really sure I remember how.
Out.
Let me tell you fuckers something about myself. I am COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT. I don't know my damn ass from my damn elbow, and I try to cover that up by acting like I know EVER GODDAMN THING THERE IS TO KNOW. But I don't know anything. Mark my words. Nothing. I know nothing about myself and even less about other people. All I know how to do is spout bullshit out of my ears, eyes and nose until I am practically buried in the shit and have no real idea how to get out.
For example.
Speaking of second session, there was one major consequence of going to Austria. I have a girlfriend. Her name is Jana Jorgensen and she is nothing like me and everything like me at the same time. We have nothing in common, and yet everything in common. You think this doesn't make sense? That's because it doesn't. Jana and I don't make sense. And what makes even less sense that that is that I am IN LOVE with Jana Jorgensen. That's right. I am in love with the world through the eyes of Jana. And I would ask you: WHY? Honestly, I don't know, besides to say that this girl is utterly out of my league, too hot for me to even begin to talk about. And besides, she's the kindest, most understanding person I have ever met, who honestly seems to love and care about other people without putting up any sort of front or expecting anything back. She gives and gives and gives and never gets anything back, but she smiles and says that it's okay.
In short, she's everything I wish I was, everything I pretend to be, and most importantly, EVERYTHING I AM NOT AM NOT AM NOT. Trust me, I have given this girl every single goddamn reason to break up with me over the last six weeks, and yet...I have a girlfriend. Despite my biggest asshole act, my biggest shit fits, she stands by me, and loves me as much as I love her.
So tell me.....when does the other shoe drop?
Because I'm ready. I'm braced for it. Let me have it. Hit me with that shit, break my heart, because I deserve it.
I am such a FUCKING HYPOCRITE. Most of you knew that already, but this is something that has come to me lately. I have bitched and bitched and bitched, whined and complained, about the fact that she is friends with her ex-boyfriends. And yet...who's my best friend in Portland? My fucking ex-girlfriend, that's who. Who I dated for two years, and who Jana justifiably feels threatened by, because I don't think Pear is over us, and I don't think she will be for a long time. But I will be GODDAMNED if that is going to break Jana and I up. I'll be a monkey's shit-throwing uncle.
Fuck it. I needed to change, and Jana is going to change me.
So I guess I should be happy.
But I'm not really sure I remember how.
Out.