you feel alone and yet you won't let anyone in
Title: The Fear of Fear and Failure
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Cameron Caddock/Oliver Greenwood (OC/OC)
Pairing: Cameron/Oliver
Genre/Rating: Mature themes
Summary 100 moments for Coliver; for the 1liner challenge by ficathon
+
001.
Cameron nails drum against the surface and Oliver paces the foot of the bed with a frown.
002.
“This isn’t helping.” She rolls her eyes. “Shut up, Oliver.”
003.
“It’ll just be a minute, dear.” She physically cringes at the nurse’s words and extends her arms so she can take another blood sample.
004.
“I just want to go home!” He scowls. “That’s pretty cavalier considering what you did, don’t you think Cam?”
005.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts and with this chant she manages to fall asleep.
006.
The sun blares, burns and then settles behind the curtain around noon.
007.
“Good morning,” He murmurs and she nods, turns and falls asleep.
008.
She wakes up to an empty room and she cries, just a little bit.
009.
They ask if she would require a psychiatrist and she resolutely refuses despite Oliver’s protest.
010.
He just doesn’t understand.
011.
He takes her hand through the cold metal bars and she slips it out before turning away.
012.
She isn’t allowed visitors and the joke Lori sends in a card barely makes her smile.
013.
“Why did you do it?” He asks and Cameron frowns. “I’m not going to talk to you, Shrinko. Get me a fucking fag.”
014.
The sharp red lines are like reminders. Cold, cruel reminds and it hurts so much she falls asleep weeping.
015.
“Are you happy now?”
016.
She shatters his illusions of her own grandeur with a simple, “Is anyone?”
017.
Somewhere in the background Fleetwood Mac plays.
018.
Night falls and Cameron dreads the congealed mess they serve with instructions to eat or they’ll put an IV in.
019.
There are no metal knives served with dinner considering the ward she’s in is for looneys.
020.
She supposes she is one of them now.
021.
She reconsiders around midnight and realizes she’s always been one of those looneys.
022.
Oliver has a game and she forces him to go.
023.
He thinks it’s selfless but really it’s a selfish desire to not face the guilt in his eyes.
024.
“Can’t we get some real food around here?”
025.
It’s only half a joke she’s wasted away so much.
026.
The fag calms her, leaning against the balcony of the hospital door and smiling to herself.
027.
She hears shouting and sneaks back under the covers while they wrestle a fourteen year old boy with suicidal tendencies away from the edge.
028.
“He had the right idea.” The patient across from her smirks and then laughs.
029.
Cameron can’t help but feel she’s in the wrong place as the very same patient goes onto explain why it is she’s in hospital.
030.
“I decided to show him what happened if he left me. He couldn’t leave me. I loved him and he loved me. That’s just the way it was, ok?” Cameron listens and she doesn’t know why she’s crying.
031.
In reality, it’s the most pathetic sob story she’s ever heard but despite the nonchalance in the tone of the girl next to her, she can hear it truly did hurt.
032.
After three weeks, she starts to feel like she belongs.
033.
They call it a ‘party’ but Cameron doesn’t think force-feeding them cupcakes is fun.
034.
“Eating disorder” Cameron glares at the nameplate on her labs and then rubs it out and hastily, with a black marker, scribbles, ‘Eat my shorts.’
035.
“Lashing out she was, sir! She should be detained.” The more she feels she fits in with the patients, the more isolated she feels from the people trying to help her.
036.
Is it some sort of a group she’s in? A gang? The stupidity of the stunts they’re pulling get’s impressively worse.
037.
“How long haven’t you eaten for?” The girl asks, taunting her with food.
038.
The shoe is on the other foot now and the Nurses watch in vain as she slips back into her old ways.
039.
“Oh, she was just getting better,” They all sigh.
040.
Lori sends another card and Cameron barely had the strength to open it.
041.
“How long do I have to stay?” “How long until you start eating?”
042.
Oh rhetorical, don’t be so fucking logical.
043.
“This is for your own good.” But the needle in her arm feels like an intruder and she rips it out before the Nurses back is turned.
044.
Sedated. So sleepy….
045.
There are restraints put in place and they hurt her wrists.
046.
He can’t bare to watch her like this so he visits less frequently.
047.
“What can we do?” “What else is there?”
048.
Torin baked a pie and all it did was make her cry.
049.
She writes, scribbles and the haphazard hatred turns into some semblance of semantics that she recognizes.
050.
Is this her life story? A hospital bed with a heart pump with her organs failing?
051.
She’s lost the will to live.
052.
Did she ever have a will to live?
053.
Oh, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
054.
Nightmares of dying, trying and dying again.
055.
The pain, all she remembers is the pain.
056.
Nightmares and pain and the weeks turn into months.
057.
A year and she remembers her twenty first birthday with spite.
058.
“Happy birthday, Ms. Caddock.” “Fuck you.”
060.
Psych evaluation? They don’t tell her anything new: attitude problems, bulimia, body dismorphia, anorexia, mild schitzophrenia with possible ADHD.
061.
She falls asleep to the sound of a heart rate monitor and IV drip.
062.
Drip.. drip..
063.
Somewhere in her dreams, there is a pause and she wonders if it is all worth it.
064.
“This is excellent news, I’m proud of you Cameron.”
065.
She stares at the figures and is sickened by herself and repulsed by his words.
066.
She sits in bed and squirms uncomfortably, the extra weight a mere half a pound feels like litres of fat on her and she vomits before she can stop herself.
067.
The pride turns to disappointment when she rips the IV out and refuses to eat.
068.
“We call this a relapse,” The Nurse explains to Torin.
069.
“I call this a shut the fuck up and let me the hell out of here,” She mutters murderously.
070.
The months have stretched and Cameron has forgotten how long she’s been in here.
071.
“Happy.. “ But his exclamation is cut off when he sees her.
072.
He cries.
073.
He doesn’t stay the night.
074.
She isn’t allowed visitors after she throws the bouquet of flowers and water pitcher at the door.
075.
A private ward.
076.
She wonders if anyone actually knows she’s in here.
077.
Her friends have abandoned her and she knows it’s because she’s so fat they can’t bear to see her anymore.
078.
She can’t bear to see herself anymore; she throws the mirror to the floor.
079.
Shards pierce the laminate and she finds parts of the mirror weeks after she cleans it up.
080.
The Nurses come and go, talking of Cameron Caddock’s flaws.
081.
The patients shriek in the night and Cameron feels that creeping sense of disillusionment.
082.
There is an explanation for all of this, she is sure.
083.
She stops blaming her parents.
084.
The situation is unhelpful, no bodies fault really.
085.
She drinks the juice and all she can hear is voices.
086.
Oh Cameron, you’re so, so, fat.
087.
She screams for them to stop. Screams and screams and then falls silent.
088.
The voices stop trying to yell over her and the whispers dissipate.
089.
The Nurse stares down the results with an emotion she can’t place.
090.
Do not ask what is it, let us make our visit.
091.
But she wonders, wonders what could possibly be so bad.
092.
“You’re doing well, really. Much better than last time.”
093.
She plays with the IV line and watches the drip down essential nutrients into her.
094.
The Nurse walks back in and sighs; Cameron doesn’t understand the look.
095.
“I ate.” “And you didn’t….” “No.” “Good.”
096.
Inscrutable but the next time she walks in, Cameron understands.
097.
She asks for Oliver and the look changes, smiles.
098.
She plays with the IV line and watches the drip down essential nutrients into her.
099.
The Nurse brings in her guest and Cameron smiles, she feels lighter.
100.
There is only one person to blame; herself.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Cameron Caddock/Oliver Greenwood (OC/OC)
Pairing: Cameron/Oliver
Genre/Rating: Mature themes
Summary 100 moments for Coliver; for the 1liner challenge by ficathon
+
001.
Cameron nails drum against the surface and Oliver paces the foot of the bed with a frown.
002.
“This isn’t helping.” She rolls her eyes. “Shut up, Oliver.”
003.
“It’ll just be a minute, dear.” She physically cringes at the nurse’s words and extends her arms so she can take another blood sample.
004.
“I just want to go home!” He scowls. “That’s pretty cavalier considering what you did, don’t you think Cam?”
005.
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts and with this chant she manages to fall asleep.
006.
The sun blares, burns and then settles behind the curtain around noon.
007.
“Good morning,” He murmurs and she nods, turns and falls asleep.
008.
She wakes up to an empty room and she cries, just a little bit.
009.
They ask if she would require a psychiatrist and she resolutely refuses despite Oliver’s protest.
010.
He just doesn’t understand.
011.
He takes her hand through the cold metal bars and she slips it out before turning away.
012.
She isn’t allowed visitors and the joke Lori sends in a card barely makes her smile.
013.
“Why did you do it?” He asks and Cameron frowns. “I’m not going to talk to you, Shrinko. Get me a fucking fag.”
014.
The sharp red lines are like reminders. Cold, cruel reminds and it hurts so much she falls asleep weeping.
015.
“Are you happy now?”
016.
She shatters his illusions of her own grandeur with a simple, “Is anyone?”
017.
Somewhere in the background Fleetwood Mac plays.
018.
Night falls and Cameron dreads the congealed mess they serve with instructions to eat or they’ll put an IV in.
019.
There are no metal knives served with dinner considering the ward she’s in is for looneys.
020.
She supposes she is one of them now.
021.
She reconsiders around midnight and realizes she’s always been one of those looneys.
022.
Oliver has a game and she forces him to go.
023.
He thinks it’s selfless but really it’s a selfish desire to not face the guilt in his eyes.
024.
“Can’t we get some real food around here?”
025.
It’s only half a joke she’s wasted away so much.
026.
The fag calms her, leaning against the balcony of the hospital door and smiling to herself.
027.
She hears shouting and sneaks back under the covers while they wrestle a fourteen year old boy with suicidal tendencies away from the edge.
028.
“He had the right idea.” The patient across from her smirks and then laughs.
029.
Cameron can’t help but feel she’s in the wrong place as the very same patient goes onto explain why it is she’s in hospital.
030.
“I decided to show him what happened if he left me. He couldn’t leave me. I loved him and he loved me. That’s just the way it was, ok?” Cameron listens and she doesn’t know why she’s crying.
031.
In reality, it’s the most pathetic sob story she’s ever heard but despite the nonchalance in the tone of the girl next to her, she can hear it truly did hurt.
032.
After three weeks, she starts to feel like she belongs.
033.
They call it a ‘party’ but Cameron doesn’t think force-feeding them cupcakes is fun.
034.
“Eating disorder” Cameron glares at the nameplate on her labs and then rubs it out and hastily, with a black marker, scribbles, ‘Eat my shorts.’
035.
“Lashing out she was, sir! She should be detained.” The more she feels she fits in with the patients, the more isolated she feels from the people trying to help her.
036.
Is it some sort of a group she’s in? A gang? The stupidity of the stunts they’re pulling get’s impressively worse.
037.
“How long haven’t you eaten for?” The girl asks, taunting her with food.
038.
The shoe is on the other foot now and the Nurses watch in vain as she slips back into her old ways.
039.
“Oh, she was just getting better,” They all sigh.
040.
Lori sends another card and Cameron barely had the strength to open it.
041.
“How long do I have to stay?” “How long until you start eating?”
042.
Oh rhetorical, don’t be so fucking logical.
043.
“This is for your own good.” But the needle in her arm feels like an intruder and she rips it out before the Nurses back is turned.
044.
Sedated. So sleepy….
045.
There are restraints put in place and they hurt her wrists.
046.
He can’t bare to watch her like this so he visits less frequently.
047.
“What can we do?” “What else is there?”
048.
Torin baked a pie and all it did was make her cry.
049.
She writes, scribbles and the haphazard hatred turns into some semblance of semantics that she recognizes.
050.
Is this her life story? A hospital bed with a heart pump with her organs failing?
051.
She’s lost the will to live.
052.
Did she ever have a will to live?
053.
Oh, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts.
054.
Nightmares of dying, trying and dying again.
055.
The pain, all she remembers is the pain.
056.
Nightmares and pain and the weeks turn into months.
057.
A year and she remembers her twenty first birthday with spite.
058.
“Happy birthday, Ms. Caddock.” “Fuck you.”
060.
Psych evaluation? They don’t tell her anything new: attitude problems, bulimia, body dismorphia, anorexia, mild schitzophrenia with possible ADHD.
061.
She falls asleep to the sound of a heart rate monitor and IV drip.
062.
Drip.. drip..
063.
Somewhere in her dreams, there is a pause and she wonders if it is all worth it.
064.
“This is excellent news, I’m proud of you Cameron.”
065.
She stares at the figures and is sickened by herself and repulsed by his words.
066.
She sits in bed and squirms uncomfortably, the extra weight a mere half a pound feels like litres of fat on her and she vomits before she can stop herself.
067.
The pride turns to disappointment when she rips the IV out and refuses to eat.
068.
“We call this a relapse,” The Nurse explains to Torin.
069.
“I call this a shut the fuck up and let me the hell out of here,” She mutters murderously.
070.
The months have stretched and Cameron has forgotten how long she’s been in here.
071.
“Happy.. “ But his exclamation is cut off when he sees her.
072.
He cries.
073.
He doesn’t stay the night.
074.
She isn’t allowed visitors after she throws the bouquet of flowers and water pitcher at the door.
075.
A private ward.
076.
She wonders if anyone actually knows she’s in here.
077.
Her friends have abandoned her and she knows it’s because she’s so fat they can’t bear to see her anymore.
078.
She can’t bear to see herself anymore; she throws the mirror to the floor.
079.
Shards pierce the laminate and she finds parts of the mirror weeks after she cleans it up.
080.
The Nurses come and go, talking of Cameron Caddock’s flaws.
081.
The patients shriek in the night and Cameron feels that creeping sense of disillusionment.
082.
There is an explanation for all of this, she is sure.
083.
She stops blaming her parents.
084.
The situation is unhelpful, no bodies fault really.
085.
She drinks the juice and all she can hear is voices.
086.
Oh Cameron, you’re so, so, fat.
087.
She screams for them to stop. Screams and screams and then falls silent.
088.
The voices stop trying to yell over her and the whispers dissipate.
089.
The Nurse stares down the results with an emotion she can’t place.
090.
Do not ask what is it, let us make our visit.
091.
But she wonders, wonders what could possibly be so bad.
092.
“You’re doing well, really. Much better than last time.”
093.
She plays with the IV line and watches the drip down essential nutrients into her.
094.
The Nurse walks back in and sighs; Cameron doesn’t understand the look.
095.
“I ate.” “And you didn’t….” “No.” “Good.”
096.
Inscrutable but the next time she walks in, Cameron understands.
097.
She asks for Oliver and the look changes, smiles.
098.
She plays with the IV line and watches the drip down essential nutrients into her.
099.
The Nurse brings in her guest and Cameron smiles, she feels lighter.
100.
There is only one person to blame; herself.