whatever, i'm the writer and i know best
Title: this is the way of serialised tv (an episode of the gossip vampire diary girl, pt 1: the blazon show)
Fandom: gossip girl, vampire diaries
Characters: blair waldorf, damon salvatore, minor: elena, stefan, caroline
Pairing: blair waldorf/damon salvatore
Warnings: m
Summary: how this story starts is not important. what you should know is that blair dies but then she doesn't and damon has an existential crisis but then he doesn't.
How this story starts is not important. What you should know is that Blair dies but then she doesn't and Damon has an existential crisis but then he doesn't. Other people make appearances in this story, but they're plot devices and I don't really have the patience to explain them at this point.
Let's skip to the end so you don't develop any attachment to the characters.
Oh and someone dies. For real this time.
Our female protagonist has her heart broken. It's terribly tragic and it's been done before but we'll ignore that and set up a set of erroneous circumstances that leave you mildly surprised and eventuate in her crying on the Met steps in an expensive dress with shoes that for some inconclusive reason match.
It doesn't really matter how she got here but it does matters what she will do from here. As the writers, we'll try and give her a plausible reason to skip town. (Is 'Nothing to keep me here' a good enough reason?) Whatever, we'll go with that.
So, she takes a cab and leaves.
( There is a scene where the reactions of the characters are outplayed but nobody cares about a mid shot of Nate looking sad do they? - it was recycled from an earlier episode, just for kicks. )
But what... that's not the end. That's more like the beginning..
A long shot of Blair's car leaving the city/Lights fade/Pan to--
Hold it.
What about our male pro(an)tagonist?
Oh. Right. Him.
He's a vampire, didn't we tell you? A close up of the fangs and the whole mysteries gone. Maybe you wonder about his cursed fate but this isn't the Vampire Diaries and we're not going to indulge in sentimentality so he has no scorned woman or abusive father or even a mediocre but pitiful, pitiful history. No. He's just evil. Sorry. This isn't the CW network either.
But for the purposes of this story, he's a manic depressive who hates his brother because it's a drama and it has to make some sort of sense and he ends up somewhere on the outskirts of town, drunk to the nines with a penchance for young brunettes who are particularly good actresses.
( He likes it when they pretend to be afraid you see. )
Of course, he happens to be on the same road at the same time as our female heroine. So they meet. But it's all fate, destiny, moirai, kismet whatever you want to call it.
So our heroine, Blair, we see her speeding across the free way with Damon in the middle of the road. She's crying and he's projecting his nihilistic tendencies on woodland creatures. So as he sits there contemplating the absurdity of a vegan diet, Blair sees him and careens off the road into a strategically placed raveen.
( American county roads are extremely convenient in their proximity to steep cliffs. )
And despite the writers failure to give Damon any sort of moral compass, the audience hold faith with the intrinsic "altruism" of human spirit and expect him to forget his daliance with death and go and save the poor lass.
But no. Sorry.
We were being serious when we said that he was a jackass that wanted to die and didn't care about anyone else.
We were also being serious when we said that she was our protagonist and our heroine. And those people don't just die.
This isn't a Hitchcock fim.
However, due to our disingenuous love for drama, we film a few minutes of intensive painful screaming on Blair's part where you watch gut-wrenchingly as she twists in pain before, reluctantly, we intercede the cacophony of a slow, burning death with the sounds of an ambulance.
We cut there, because our makeup crew were lazy and the cost of a severed, prosthetic leg was too expensive.
Damon finds himself back in Mystic Falls ( and so does Blair but you don't know that yet.) He wanders back and there probably should be another declaration of love to Elena until she finally cuts him out with her 'It will always be Stefan's' and whatever else. But it's not that show and it's not that plot and it's not that story.
In that case, Damon leaves. He drinks. Somehow, the absurdly misplaced music makes the scenario poignant and - cut - we're in a bar.
Cut to really cheesy dance music and Caroline is flirting with someone and Matt tries not to look like a fifteenth-wheel on the show.
He get's served a drink, he goes outside and tries to get a drink.
For the sake of sustainable interest, it turns out his victim is an original and she beats him up real bad.
Still, for the sake of continuity, we try not to make it too bad lest you feel sorry for him.
Cut to Mystic Falls General Hospital. Alaric's on again girlfriend/psychiatrist/vampire hunter off again plot filler fixes Damon up just as the ambulance (which didn't have the speedy vampire skillz) ends up at the hospital.
Meredith gives Damon a blood bag on the condition that he gives her some blood.
His split lip makes him look all sexy!pout as he acquiesces. Whatever, we're playing up to our 95% female audience that watch simply on the basis of the male characters sexual appeal.
( That's why, despite his god-like healing ability, Damon is currently shirtless. )
Blair does some 'where am i, how am i alive' dialogue that we're sure didn't come from any daytime drama while Damon broods in the visiting room.
( In case you hadn't noticed, we're delaying the whole moment between them. )
As he's drinking his blood bag, he walks past the room Blair's in and there's some really lovely swelling music that we did take from a daytime drama (Copyright Bold and the Beautiful).
For some reason unbecknownst to the audience, Damon doesn't deliver any snappy lines. There is just a short interlude between the two of them as if Blair knows that it is Damon who saved her life. How does she know? Well she doesn't of course but we give you this scene so that all you fanatic boat-people can start writing fanfictions and giffing stuff. They're "oh tea pee" now right?
She recovers, duh and because we're getting hate mail about how there hasn't been any interactions between the two (whatever so we were focusing on Caroline's ability to have sexual chemistry with inanimate object, sue us. ) we decide to give you another scene.
Elena's throwing a party.
( The whole originality idea get's thrown out with Damon's inhumanity. Now he's got a back story and a mean daddy and a ladylove that never quite dies properly. )
So we cut to that and for some reason Blair's invited.
( Continuity is also an abject concept to the writers now. Elena+Blair = BFF, obvi. )
However, for the sake of our oh tea pee Damon is sitting outside being all sexy!pout and Elena introduces him to Blair who says something like 'we've met' with enough disdain that you just know she's still wearing La Perla underwear and hasn't forgotten about class distinctions and her hatred of Townies.
We quickly tell Elena to gtfo so that we can escalate the sexual tension and create some sort of half-interesting dynamic between these two. (Of course, she can't stay out of trouble so we can cut between our oh tea pee with some Original!Drama and shit load of Stefan looking like he'd rather be making out with Elena than dealing with this. )
Damon makes a sarcastic comment, Blair is just as caustic.
It's the type of barbed interplay that the writers have little experience in so it takes them a while to get the hang of it. But it get's better until we're delivering lines like 'what else have i got in this life' and other existential miracles that have all you "fangirls" screeching.
But it gets getter.
While Elena is being hunted for her doppel-blood, Stefan is trying to save the world and not turn into a bloodthirsty boogey man, Damon and Blair are delivering the season's greatest lines.
There's a lot of less self-deprecating Catherine/Heathcliff sans Hendley/Edgar because really we're not in the business of delivering multi-dimensional turns.
( The whole Damon!Vampire subject hasn't been broached yet and it's going to be a glorious start to our budding romance. )
A song comes on and they spend a moment trying to avoid the subject until Damon gets up.
'Would you care to dance?' And she's a lady and he's hot and they're completely incompatible which makes them a perfect onscreen couple. And va-va voom we're at our closing scene.
They move into the centre of the room. A wonderful indie song comes on and the camera smooths to a high angle long shot. It's perfect really.
- Nobody pays attention to the doppelganger in hospital and the veggie vampire that's destroyed the drawing room. -
We fade the episode and put enough information in the promo to make you come back.
( But at the risk of getting syndicated, we make sure our new couple is central and so we can build up your hopes before tearing them down a few more times for the sake of ratings. So there'll be a part II. )
Fandom: gossip girl, vampire diaries
Characters: blair waldorf, damon salvatore, minor: elena, stefan, caroline
Pairing: blair waldorf/damon salvatore
Warnings: m
Summary: how this story starts is not important. what you should know is that blair dies but then she doesn't and damon has an existential crisis but then he doesn't.
How this story starts is not important. What you should know is that Blair dies but then she doesn't and Damon has an existential crisis but then he doesn't. Other people make appearances in this story, but they're plot devices and I don't really have the patience to explain them at this point.
Let's skip to the end so you don't develop any attachment to the characters.
Oh and someone dies. For real this time.
Our female protagonist has her heart broken. It's terribly tragic and it's been done before but we'll ignore that and set up a set of erroneous circumstances that leave you mildly surprised and eventuate in her crying on the Met steps in an expensive dress with shoes that for some inconclusive reason match.
It doesn't really matter how she got here but it does matters what she will do from here. As the writers, we'll try and give her a plausible reason to skip town. (Is 'Nothing to keep me here' a good enough reason?) Whatever, we'll go with that.
So, she takes a cab and leaves.
( There is a scene where the reactions of the characters are outplayed but nobody cares about a mid shot of Nate looking sad do they? - it was recycled from an earlier episode, just for kicks. )
But what... that's not the end. That's more like the beginning..
A long shot of Blair's car leaving the city/Lights fade/Pan to--
Hold it.
What about our male pro(an)tagonist?
Oh. Right. Him.
He's a vampire, didn't we tell you? A close up of the fangs and the whole mysteries gone. Maybe you wonder about his cursed fate but this isn't the Vampire Diaries and we're not going to indulge in sentimentality so he has no scorned woman or abusive father or even a mediocre but pitiful, pitiful history. No. He's just evil. Sorry. This isn't the CW network either.
But for the purposes of this story, he's a manic depressive who hates his brother because it's a drama and it has to make some sort of sense and he ends up somewhere on the outskirts of town, drunk to the nines with a penchance for young brunettes who are particularly good actresses.
( He likes it when they pretend to be afraid you see. )
Of course, he happens to be on the same road at the same time as our female heroine. So they meet. But it's all fate, destiny, moirai, kismet whatever you want to call it.
So our heroine, Blair, we see her speeding across the free way with Damon in the middle of the road. She's crying and he's projecting his nihilistic tendencies on woodland creatures. So as he sits there contemplating the absurdity of a vegan diet, Blair sees him and careens off the road into a strategically placed raveen.
( American county roads are extremely convenient in their proximity to steep cliffs. )
And despite the writers failure to give Damon any sort of moral compass, the audience hold faith with the intrinsic "altruism" of human spirit and expect him to forget his daliance with death and go and save the poor lass.
But no. Sorry.
We were being serious when we said that he was a jackass that wanted to die and didn't care about anyone else.
We were also being serious when we said that she was our protagonist and our heroine. And those people don't just die.
This isn't a Hitchcock fim.
However, due to our disingenuous love for drama, we film a few minutes of intensive painful screaming on Blair's part where you watch gut-wrenchingly as she twists in pain before, reluctantly, we intercede the cacophony of a slow, burning death with the sounds of an ambulance.
We cut there, because our makeup crew were lazy and the cost of a severed, prosthetic leg was too expensive.
Damon finds himself back in Mystic Falls ( and so does Blair but you don't know that yet.) He wanders back and there probably should be another declaration of love to Elena until she finally cuts him out with her 'It will always be Stefan's' and whatever else. But it's not that show and it's not that plot and it's not that story.
In that case, Damon leaves. He drinks. Somehow, the absurdly misplaced music makes the scenario poignant and - cut - we're in a bar.
Cut to really cheesy dance music and Caroline is flirting with someone and Matt tries not to look like a fifteenth-wheel on the show.
He get's served a drink, he goes outside and tries to get a drink.
For the sake of sustainable interest, it turns out his victim is an original and she beats him up real bad.
Still, for the sake of continuity, we try not to make it too bad lest you feel sorry for him.
Cut to Mystic Falls General Hospital. Alaric's on again girlfriend/psychiatrist/vampire hunter off again plot filler fixes Damon up just as the ambulance (which didn't have the speedy vampire skillz) ends up at the hospital.
Meredith gives Damon a blood bag on the condition that he gives her some blood.
His split lip makes him look all sexy!pout as he acquiesces. Whatever, we're playing up to our 95% female audience that watch simply on the basis of the male characters sexual appeal.
( That's why, despite his god-like healing ability, Damon is currently shirtless. )
Blair does some 'where am i, how am i alive' dialogue that we're sure didn't come from any daytime drama while Damon broods in the visiting room.
( In case you hadn't noticed, we're delaying the whole moment between them. )
As he's drinking his blood bag, he walks past the room Blair's in and there's some really lovely swelling music that we did take from a daytime drama (Copyright Bold and the Beautiful).
For some reason unbecknownst to the audience, Damon doesn't deliver any snappy lines. There is just a short interlude between the two of them as if Blair knows that it is Damon who saved her life. How does she know? Well she doesn't of course but we give you this scene so that all you fanatic boat-people can start writing fanfictions and giffing stuff. They're "oh tea pee" now right?
She recovers, duh and because we're getting hate mail about how there hasn't been any interactions between the two (whatever so we were focusing on Caroline's ability to have sexual chemistry with inanimate object, sue us. ) we decide to give you another scene.
Elena's throwing a party.
( The whole originality idea get's thrown out with Damon's inhumanity. Now he's got a back story and a mean daddy and a ladylove that never quite dies properly. )
So we cut to that and for some reason Blair's invited.
( Continuity is also an abject concept to the writers now. Elena+Blair = BFF, obvi. )
However, for the sake of our oh tea pee Damon is sitting outside being all sexy!pout and Elena introduces him to Blair who says something like 'we've met' with enough disdain that you just know she's still wearing La Perla underwear and hasn't forgotten about class distinctions and her hatred of Townies.
We quickly tell Elena to gtfo so that we can escalate the sexual tension and create some sort of half-interesting dynamic between these two. (Of course, she can't stay out of trouble so we can cut between our oh tea pee with some Original!Drama and shit load of Stefan looking like he'd rather be making out with Elena than dealing with this. )
Damon makes a sarcastic comment, Blair is just as caustic.
It's the type of barbed interplay that the writers have little experience in so it takes them a while to get the hang of it. But it get's better until we're delivering lines like 'what else have i got in this life' and other existential miracles that have all you "fangirls" screeching.
But it gets getter.
While Elena is being hunted for her doppel-blood, Stefan is trying to save the world and not turn into a bloodthirsty boogey man, Damon and Blair are delivering the season's greatest lines.
There's a lot of less self-deprecating Catherine/Heathcliff sans Hendley/Edgar because really we're not in the business of delivering multi-dimensional turns.
( The whole Damon!Vampire subject hasn't been broached yet and it's going to be a glorious start to our budding romance. )
A song comes on and they spend a moment trying to avoid the subject until Damon gets up.
'Would you care to dance?' And she's a lady and he's hot and they're completely incompatible which makes them a perfect onscreen couple. And va-va voom we're at our closing scene.
They move into the centre of the room. A wonderful indie song comes on and the camera smooths to a high angle long shot. It's perfect really.
- Nobody pays attention to the doppelganger in hospital and the veggie vampire that's destroyed the drawing room. -
We fade the episode and put enough information in the promo to make you come back.
( But at the risk of getting syndicated, we make sure our new couple is central and so we can build up your hopes before tearing them down a few more times for the sake of ratings. So there'll be a part II. )