Waiting
It all seems to follow a predictable pattern, and yet it doesn't. I like to think that I'm nice, and endearing, and more than that ready. It's feels like a suprise to me when things don't go well, and yet it isn't. It shouldn't be. I've been through it again and again, and soon I might just be fucking numb. But I know myself well enough to say that I won't be numb, and that it doesn't make it any easier. It's not pain, or hate or rage this time. It's not worth that. It's just a bit sad. I just expected more this time. I really thought he was more this time. And with each demand, a caveat. Who am I to think I am deserving of anyone's time, or effort, or attention? Who am I yet to do more than want it?
I can handle it when I expect it. But this time I felt like things were going well. I felt differently about him than about the others. I wasn't obsessing, or forcing it. I just happened to have met a strongly-willed gentleman at the interest meeting for a progressive group on campus. I was attracted by his strength, his passion, and his ambition. I wasn't devoting most of my mental energy to him, I wasn't having delusions of grandeur; it was remarkable in that it was such a small feeling. It was a small feeling, but it was one that stuck. It was one that perked up a bit every time something he did showed that he was thinking about me.
It was a feeling that came to fullest fruition one Friday night over sushi in West Village. An amazing dinner, breathtaking atmosphere, but more than that, a person that I just felt comfortable with. We walk around to find that an indie movie theatre is showing the latest gay film, and we decide to see it, and afterwords he takes me back to see his apartement, and he opens a bottle of wine he'd been saving for a little while. Then, between kisses and cuddles, everything just feels right in a way it hadn't felt since I left Phoenix.
Over the next week, we make chances to see each other. We have mostly conflicting schedules (he's a junior and works), but we still manage to make time here and there. Another date that Friday, and things still seem all to be well.
And then silence. Nothing Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. I had done the usual customs of making contact, but ne'er recieving a reply. On Teusday, I run into him before a class, and he aplogises, says that he had been quite sick, gives me a hug, and leaves (he had only a few minites before it started), which was different in itself becasue he usually doesn't show a lot of affection or even emotion in public. I'm left puzzled, but am ready to believe him. I try calling him again, but still nothing. And as much as I really wanted to believe him, all I had was a whole lot of nothing from him.
And yet, I could think of dozens of good reasons for him not to like me anymore. He has had to be self-dependant in a way that I could never dream of, and next to that I must seem very immature and naieve. Mabye it's that I felt like things were going better than they apparently really were. I criticize in my mind, others who I see form attachments quickly or foolishly, but, if in fact I really am so quick to make and break attachments, that puts me directly into a category that I deplore for it. Maybe I was truly being a jerk to him, or stepping over his hospitality. I can think of many instances when I said or did something just a bit stupid or inconsiderate, but he would laugh them off at the time. Perhaps it all just added up. But he never said anything, and I can't change if I can't figure out that something is even wrong.
I can't make my life like "The Sims". Relationships, people, and my own life will never be reducable to formulas. Do-over's and extra lives aren't on the table. I wish I hadn't made the mistakes about him, but I can at least grow from them now, and look forward, because I've still got pleanty of time and fuckups on the horizon.
I can handle it when I expect it. But this time I felt like things were going well. I felt differently about him than about the others. I wasn't obsessing, or forcing it. I just happened to have met a strongly-willed gentleman at the interest meeting for a progressive group on campus. I was attracted by his strength, his passion, and his ambition. I wasn't devoting most of my mental energy to him, I wasn't having delusions of grandeur; it was remarkable in that it was such a small feeling. It was a small feeling, but it was one that stuck. It was one that perked up a bit every time something he did showed that he was thinking about me.
It was a feeling that came to fullest fruition one Friday night over sushi in West Village. An amazing dinner, breathtaking atmosphere, but more than that, a person that I just felt comfortable with. We walk around to find that an indie movie theatre is showing the latest gay film, and we decide to see it, and afterwords he takes me back to see his apartement, and he opens a bottle of wine he'd been saving for a little while. Then, between kisses and cuddles, everything just feels right in a way it hadn't felt since I left Phoenix.
Over the next week, we make chances to see each other. We have mostly conflicting schedules (he's a junior and works), but we still manage to make time here and there. Another date that Friday, and things still seem all to be well.
And then silence. Nothing Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. I had done the usual customs of making contact, but ne'er recieving a reply. On Teusday, I run into him before a class, and he aplogises, says that he had been quite sick, gives me a hug, and leaves (he had only a few minites before it started), which was different in itself becasue he usually doesn't show a lot of affection or even emotion in public. I'm left puzzled, but am ready to believe him. I try calling him again, but still nothing. And as much as I really wanted to believe him, all I had was a whole lot of nothing from him.
And yet, I could think of dozens of good reasons for him not to like me anymore. He has had to be self-dependant in a way that I could never dream of, and next to that I must seem very immature and naieve. Mabye it's that I felt like things were going better than they apparently really were. I criticize in my mind, others who I see form attachments quickly or foolishly, but, if in fact I really am so quick to make and break attachments, that puts me directly into a category that I deplore for it. Maybe I was truly being a jerk to him, or stepping over his hospitality. I can think of many instances when I said or did something just a bit stupid or inconsiderate, but he would laugh them off at the time. Perhaps it all just added up. But he never said anything, and I can't change if I can't figure out that something is even wrong.
I can't make my life like "The Sims". Relationships, people, and my own life will never be reducable to formulas. Do-over's and extra lives aren't on the table. I wish I hadn't made the mistakes about him, but I can at least grow from them now, and look forward, because I've still got pleanty of time and fuckups on the horizon.