Fate-loaded Moments
It was I that ended the relationship with Cory. It took Xbox a while to reprogram the Netflix episodes of Star Trek: Voyager in order for that memory to be sparked within me. The memory of the bells and the black birds. Of the saddest man to ever hold a cat.
I was at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport, waiting on a ticket he had bought for me. $450 was worth a gamble on a relationship with a forlorn and lonely-minded lost boy, I suspect. I called him to check in, in a courtyard of sorts surrounded by tarmac windows and in plain running distance of a Bathroom, which I made full use of after we talked. "Cory. I think I need to stay."
I dont think i was correct in my decision.
I loved him so much, and didn't think he could return the favor, yet he loved me enough to gamble that I'd be satisfied enough to make the decision to return to him.
I should've seen the selflessness. From him, that gesture speaks.
Now here I am, a lost and lonely drunkard, wayward on a journey that should be a tangent of what should be real. At least I feel that way. I've felt this many times before, probably noted here; splits in time that shouldn't be. Places and situations in which I shouldn't be.
I MISS him. I miss the inadequacies of our relationship. But I never remember that it was I that ended it. Because I was too lost. Too depressed.
Too depressed. And still I'm so damned depressed. It didn't work. Nothing helped. I'm worse than I was, god damnit!
I can't go back. I could try, but I would still be depressed if I did. So I'm going to make an appointment with a psychiatrist as soon as my insurance kicks in, and we're going to talk. There will be an ultimatum, however, that if I'm not cured of my instabilities then he or she shall prescribe strong antidepressants for me. That is my only future.
The blue Lego foundation of the rest of my life, sequestered in a tiny white capsule.
New tangents. Positive ones, I wish for. If only I could manipulate the time continuum.
My sex drive will be lost, but I hope to at least regain my thirst for knowledge, of mythology and human thought, of language and history and the studies of the stars. If someone would like to have children with me, that would be brilliant. I would be the dad invested in the scientific embetterment of humanity that would inspire, without having to be there for them day after day. Because with anti-Ds I couldn't have a relationship. I couldn't love fully nor with the deep places in my heart. But at least I could inspire. At least I wouldn't die a lonely young alcoholic.
I hope my insurance kicks in soon.
I can't take it. Another tangent might take me, and then I wouldn't have a choice any more.
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