Not Worth It
I just feel completely out of it. This homework, this idiotic, mindless, busywork is killing me. Its drab, pointless, I can't focus.
Not to mention, I have other things on my mind. I can't help but feel the way I do. You know, I know I'm a fool, but I just don't seem to care enough. And thats the most disappointing thing. You'd think you'd see something that you know you should avoid and that you would actually avoid it. But no, that'd be incorrect.
And so, I wonder. Possibilities are what get me. The unanswered questions pull me apart. I want to know. I've always been that way. I have strong pride. I feel I deserve it. I deserve the right to know whatever I have the capability of finding out. No matter the cost.
But I am wrong. I don't deserve to know everything I want. I'm like a child, pouting at not getting my way. It doesn't feel right, it feels funny.
I hoard knowledge. I treasure it. Of course, only the information that appeals to me, but there is quite a bit of it out there. And just to know and experience. I love to know what its like. I want to know how people feel, I want to be in their situation, put on their shoes and walk around. The problem is, its a bit dangerous. And often I have to analyze why is it that something or someone intrigues me. Simple interest in another person's way of life is not good enough. I do care quite a bit about people. In an almost maternal or caring way, I want them to have the best in life. I want them to know where to rest their feet and find comfort. I want to understand them and stand by them. I want to know how they think.
The more information you have, the more you are likely to understand. I try to remember that because there are many people that I do not understand. And naturally then, there are many people on which I have very limited information.
I have to chose very carefully who I get close to. Sometimes whats so beautiful at skin deep can hide an atrocity. And that doesn't necessarily mean I should run and hide. It simply means that I can't ignore it. I have to respond appropriately and eventually leave such a person if there is nothing that I can do. Its very, very difficult. Some people are extraordinarily beautiful and sometimes I am extraordinarily a coward.
I've always loved beauty. I can get wrapped up quite easily. The perfect thing for me to do when I come across an exquisite physical beauty is to suck it all in until I can take it no longer. It boggles my mind at times the beauty of the world. When I see a beautiful girl, naturally the approach is a bit different. The perfect thing for me to do in such a situation is for me to act natural and go on up and talk to her. Its not always easy although sometimes it is. If I don't do it on the first time meeting her, it becomes much more difficult thereafter. Pretty much, as soon as I figure out how much of a dunce she is, or floozy, or unintelligent, its over. The magical, beautiful lust that was there disappeared. She's deposited into an appropriate category and she may or may not become a friend. Unfortunately, I have a natural disposition to be meaner or more callous to pretty girls because I believe they are unfairly treated so kindly by the rest of the world. Fortunately, as of yet, I have never met a beautiful girl that I also found to be beautiful enough in other areas of her life that made me want to be with her.
Girls that are beautiful in mind are heart however are a completely different monster. These girls are very difficult to get rid of because they know I find them beautiful in such areas. They enjoy it as well as I do. But often times there's something missing, something incorrect, that would make a fit impossible.
It'd be nice to know how things could go, but often times, its just not worth it.
Not to mention, I have other things on my mind. I can't help but feel the way I do. You know, I know I'm a fool, but I just don't seem to care enough. And thats the most disappointing thing. You'd think you'd see something that you know you should avoid and that you would actually avoid it. But no, that'd be incorrect.
And so, I wonder. Possibilities are what get me. The unanswered questions pull me apart. I want to know. I've always been that way. I have strong pride. I feel I deserve it. I deserve the right to know whatever I have the capability of finding out. No matter the cost.
But I am wrong. I don't deserve to know everything I want. I'm like a child, pouting at not getting my way. It doesn't feel right, it feels funny.
I hoard knowledge. I treasure it. Of course, only the information that appeals to me, but there is quite a bit of it out there. And just to know and experience. I love to know what its like. I want to know how people feel, I want to be in their situation, put on their shoes and walk around. The problem is, its a bit dangerous. And often I have to analyze why is it that something or someone intrigues me. Simple interest in another person's way of life is not good enough. I do care quite a bit about people. In an almost maternal or caring way, I want them to have the best in life. I want them to know where to rest their feet and find comfort. I want to understand them and stand by them. I want to know how they think.
The more information you have, the more you are likely to understand. I try to remember that because there are many people that I do not understand. And naturally then, there are many people on which I have very limited information.
I have to chose very carefully who I get close to. Sometimes whats so beautiful at skin deep can hide an atrocity. And that doesn't necessarily mean I should run and hide. It simply means that I can't ignore it. I have to respond appropriately and eventually leave such a person if there is nothing that I can do. Its very, very difficult. Some people are extraordinarily beautiful and sometimes I am extraordinarily a coward.
I've always loved beauty. I can get wrapped up quite easily. The perfect thing for me to do when I come across an exquisite physical beauty is to suck it all in until I can take it no longer. It boggles my mind at times the beauty of the world. When I see a beautiful girl, naturally the approach is a bit different. The perfect thing for me to do in such a situation is for me to act natural and go on up and talk to her. Its not always easy although sometimes it is. If I don't do it on the first time meeting her, it becomes much more difficult thereafter. Pretty much, as soon as I figure out how much of a dunce she is, or floozy, or unintelligent, its over. The magical, beautiful lust that was there disappeared. She's deposited into an appropriate category and she may or may not become a friend. Unfortunately, I have a natural disposition to be meaner or more callous to pretty girls because I believe they are unfairly treated so kindly by the rest of the world. Fortunately, as of yet, I have never met a beautiful girl that I also found to be beautiful enough in other areas of her life that made me want to be with her.
Girls that are beautiful in mind are heart however are a completely different monster. These girls are very difficult to get rid of because they know I find them beautiful in such areas. They enjoy it as well as I do. But often times there's something missing, something incorrect, that would make a fit impossible.
It'd be nice to know how things could go, but often times, its just not worth it.