(no subject)
I've learned what regret and appreciation truly means.
First:
I heard Dan Davis speak for the second time in two years. I need to openly admit something. I've told people I stayed clean for two years before the slight relapse (it's slight because I'm not doing anything hard) I'm fighting out of right now. Not true...when I was back in NNCS for a month October of 2004, I was back to full blown. The day he spoke I was an ass. Why? Simple...I wanted to believe he was wrong, that I wasn't addicted. I was tripping that day...
This was a lesson in regret for me. I walked up to him, looked him in the eye and told him I needed to apoligize. He asked why. As soon as I mentioned NNCS he remembered me. He told me it took a true man to do that after how horrible I was. I told him I didn't deserve that title, and he said that I did even more. I can't admit that to myself...there is no way I have what it takes to be called a man yet, I'm not ready. I regret what I did, and the person I'm coming close to being again.
This was also a lesson in appreciation for me. I realize that to admit that I have this issues, and that I can appreciate and admit that he's right is a sign that I've matured alot over the past year. I appreciate everyone who has been there for me in place of drowning my issues in pills, herbs, powders and tablets.
Second:
I helped out at the dinner theatre in support of the teen center. It was fun but it again brought up the same two emotions. The teen center has been a sanctuary for me from my own mind since I moved in with my dad. Up north I never had that.
Appreciation was my first emotion. As they talked about it I ended up volunteering to get up and telling them what it meant to me. As I said it I realized what I was saying and that dawned on me the realization that I don't know if I would of been able to deal with myself without it. I appreciate Margo, Toni, Don, all the other teen center visitors like me, and -lately- even Jenna Ogden for helping me escape my mind.
I also feel regret when I think about the teen center. I've been using them as personal salvation for over 2 years. I'm off after this year...and how have I shown my appreciation so far? I've helped with two events...ONLY TWO FUCKING EVENTS!!! That's not enough. I work so hard to arrange ways to hang out with friends, but when they need something and I have a problem about helping, I just give up...that's not right!!! I don't give them enough. they deserve more from me. So now I apoligize to the same people that I just showed my appreciation for.
Final word
I again want to thank all of you for helping me get through myself. I can never express this great enough.
Matthew A. Russell
First:
I heard Dan Davis speak for the second time in two years. I need to openly admit something. I've told people I stayed clean for two years before the slight relapse (it's slight because I'm not doing anything hard) I'm fighting out of right now. Not true...when I was back in NNCS for a month October of 2004, I was back to full blown. The day he spoke I was an ass. Why? Simple...I wanted to believe he was wrong, that I wasn't addicted. I was tripping that day...
This was a lesson in regret for me. I walked up to him, looked him in the eye and told him I needed to apoligize. He asked why. As soon as I mentioned NNCS he remembered me. He told me it took a true man to do that after how horrible I was. I told him I didn't deserve that title, and he said that I did even more. I can't admit that to myself...there is no way I have what it takes to be called a man yet, I'm not ready. I regret what I did, and the person I'm coming close to being again.
This was also a lesson in appreciation for me. I realize that to admit that I have this issues, and that I can appreciate and admit that he's right is a sign that I've matured alot over the past year. I appreciate everyone who has been there for me in place of drowning my issues in pills, herbs, powders and tablets.
Second:
I helped out at the dinner theatre in support of the teen center. It was fun but it again brought up the same two emotions. The teen center has been a sanctuary for me from my own mind since I moved in with my dad. Up north I never had that.
Appreciation was my first emotion. As they talked about it I ended up volunteering to get up and telling them what it meant to me. As I said it I realized what I was saying and that dawned on me the realization that I don't know if I would of been able to deal with myself without it. I appreciate Margo, Toni, Don, all the other teen center visitors like me, and -lately- even Jenna Ogden for helping me escape my mind.
I also feel regret when I think about the teen center. I've been using them as personal salvation for over 2 years. I'm off after this year...and how have I shown my appreciation so far? I've helped with two events...ONLY TWO FUCKING EVENTS!!! That's not enough. I work so hard to arrange ways to hang out with friends, but when they need something and I have a problem about helping, I just give up...that's not right!!! I don't give them enough. they deserve more from me. So now I apoligize to the same people that I just showed my appreciation for.
Final word
I again want to thank all of you for helping me get through myself. I can never express this great enough.
Matthew A. Russell