Boyfriend Application (Pirate Spawned This)
Pirate spawned this, I filled it out and sent it to her:
THE OFFICIAL BOYFRIEND APPLICATION
1. Full legal name (Last, First, Middle) Scarlett, Frank Lee “I Don’t Give A Damn” (a.k.a. Frank Lee Scarlett)
2. Age 54
3. Height 5’3”
4. Weight 500 lbs
5. Eye color brown
6. Measurements Not Available
7. Natural hair color brownish
8. Current hair color blondish brownish ish
CONTACT INFORMATION
9. Home phone 1-800-SEX-TALK
10. Cell Phone 666-666-0666
11. Email frankleescarlett@schmucks.com
( ) -
( ) -
BASIC INFORMATION
12. Are you a virgin? Y N Yes
13. If no, how many past sexual partners have you had?
14. Have you ever had a sex change? Y N Sort of
15. Do you smoke? Y N No, but I do have a bit of an oil leak problem
16. Do you use any illegal substances? Y N Extravagant amounts of unnecessary spandex
17. Do you have kids? Y N Yes
18. If yes, how many? Three (but they were all virgin births, because I’m still a virgin, and I’ve never been with a man before so I don’t know how I developed enough of a uterus to have them in the first place but anyway I’m talking too much aren’t I, I’ll just shut up.)
19. Do you workout? Y N Yes, I work out at McDonalds.
20. Do you currently have a source of income? Y N See above
21. If yes, what is it? See above the above
22. Do you live on your own? Y N No
23. If no, whom do you currently reside with? The rest of the mental institution.
24. What kind of car do you drive? I don’t. But if I did, it would be a Ferrari.
25. Furthest level of edumacation (circle one):
High School
Some College
Associate's Degree
Bachelor's Degree
(um? I can’t, I don’t qualify)
26. Do you have a history of mental illness? Y N No. I’m mentally ill right now.
27. Favorite sport & team The Scarsdale Happy Rainbow Institution Football Team
28. Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend? Y N Um no, sorry
29. Do you cook? Y N I only cook borscht.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
30. Do you have any siblings? Y N Yes. I’m part of a set of quintuplets. I got the looks. Joey got the brains. Will got the cajones. Bob got the government job for 25.99 an hour, and Little Prince Smookums got Mommy’s love.
31. What is your religion? I’m a, uh, scientologist.
32. What is your political persuasion? The Far Middle
33. How many piercings (not including ears) do you have? Well, I have a pierced appendix.
34. How many tattoos do you have? 500, but they’re medical related.
35. What is your current favorite movie of all time? “The Hoboken Chicken Emergency”
36. List your three favorite genres of music in order of most favorite to least favorite: 1. Native American Tribal Chants preformed backwards through a Vocoder, 2. The Sound of Iced Tea Being Stirred, and 3. Reggae
37. What is your idea of a perfect date in three sentences or less? First we get naked, then we get into a Jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol and I clip your toenails and you shave my buttocks.
38. Explain why I should pick you as my boyfriend in one sentence: See above
39. List any special skills that you may have that are relevant to this position: See above the above.
40. What do you want out of a relationship, specifically one with me? See above the above the above.
REASONS I SHOULD PICK YOU
There are many reasons you should pick me. They are all very good. I am good boyfriend material. I have a Jacuzzi and some Pepto-Bismol and a couple of free hours.
RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND
List the details of your past relationship:
Start Date: June 24, 3007
End Date: June 24, 2007
Were you in love? Y N No
Could I kick her ass? Y N Yes
Sexually active? Y N No
Reason for breakup: See the above statement about Pepto-Bismol
Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Could I kick his ass? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:
Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Could I kick his ass? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:
REFERENCES
Please supply three references (preferably hot male friends) and their phone numbers or email addresses.
Billy Idol 847 - 394 - 0997
Johnny Depp 306 - 384 - 1099
Will Scarlett 666-666-0666
CERTIFICATION
I hereby certify that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization to verify it using any means you deem appropriate. I understand that by filling out this form and submitting it for review does not guarantee that I will be chosen.
Date Applicant Signature
Frank Lee “I don’t give a damn” Scarlett
Do not write below this line, this area will be used to take notes when conducting interviews.
THE OFFICIAL BOYFRIEND APPLICATION
1. Full legal name (Last, First, Middle) Scarlett, Frank Lee “I Don’t Give A Damn” (a.k.a. Frank Lee Scarlett)
2. Age 54
3. Height 5’3”
4. Weight 500 lbs
5. Eye color brown
6. Measurements Not Available
7. Natural hair color brownish
8. Current hair color blondish brownish ish
CONTACT INFORMATION
9. Home phone 1-800-SEX-TALK
10. Cell Phone 666-666-0666
11. Email frankleescarlett@schmucks.com
( ) -
( ) -
BASIC INFORMATION
12. Are you a virgin? Y N Yes
13. If no, how many past sexual partners have you had?
14. Have you ever had a sex change? Y N Sort of
15. Do you smoke? Y N No, but I do have a bit of an oil leak problem
16. Do you use any illegal substances? Y N Extravagant amounts of unnecessary spandex
17. Do you have kids? Y N Yes
18. If yes, how many? Three (but they were all virgin births, because I’m still a virgin, and I’ve never been with a man before so I don’t know how I developed enough of a uterus to have them in the first place but anyway I’m talking too much aren’t I, I’ll just shut up.)
19. Do you workout? Y N Yes, I work out at McDonalds.
20. Do you currently have a source of income? Y N See above
21. If yes, what is it? See above the above
22. Do you live on your own? Y N No
23. If no, whom do you currently reside with? The rest of the mental institution.
24. What kind of car do you drive? I don’t. But if I did, it would be a Ferrari.
25. Furthest level of edumacation (circle one):
High School
Some College
Associate's Degree
Bachelor's Degree
(um? I can’t, I don’t qualify)
26. Do you have a history of mental illness? Y N No. I’m mentally ill right now.
27. Favorite sport & team The Scarsdale Happy Rainbow Institution Football Team
28. Have you ever cheated on a girlfriend? Y N Um no, sorry
29. Do you cook? Y N I only cook borscht.
GETTING TO KNOW YOU
30. Do you have any siblings? Y N Yes. I’m part of a set of quintuplets. I got the looks. Joey got the brains. Will got the cajones. Bob got the government job for 25.99 an hour, and Little Prince Smookums got Mommy’s love.
31. What is your religion? I’m a, uh, scientologist.
32. What is your political persuasion? The Far Middle
33. How many piercings (not including ears) do you have? Well, I have a pierced appendix.
34. How many tattoos do you have? 500, but they’re medical related.
35. What is your current favorite movie of all time? “The Hoboken Chicken Emergency”
36. List your three favorite genres of music in order of most favorite to least favorite: 1. Native American Tribal Chants preformed backwards through a Vocoder, 2. The Sound of Iced Tea Being Stirred, and 3. Reggae
37. What is your idea of a perfect date in three sentences or less? First we get naked, then we get into a Jacuzzi filled with Pepto-Bismol and I clip your toenails and you shave my buttocks.
38. Explain why I should pick you as my boyfriend in one sentence: See above
39. List any special skills that you may have that are relevant to this position: See above the above.
40. What do you want out of a relationship, specifically one with me? See above the above the above.
REASONS I SHOULD PICK YOU
There are many reasons you should pick me. They are all very good. I am good boyfriend material. I have a Jacuzzi and some Pepto-Bismol and a couple of free hours.
RELATIONSHIP BACKGROUND
List the details of your past relationship:
Start Date: June 24, 3007
End Date: June 24, 2007
Were you in love? Y N No
Could I kick her ass? Y N Yes
Sexually active? Y N No
Reason for breakup: See the above statement about Pepto-Bismol
Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Could I kick his ass? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:
Start Date:
End Date:
Were you in love? Y N
Could I kick his ass? Y N
Sexually active? Y N
Reason for breakup:
REFERENCES
Please supply three references (preferably hot male friends) and their phone numbers or email addresses.
Billy Idol 847 - 394 - 0997
Johnny Depp 306 - 384 - 1099
Will Scarlett 666-666-0666
CERTIFICATION
I hereby certify that the information given by me in this application is true to my knowledge and I give you the authorization to verify it using any means you deem appropriate. I understand that by filling out this form and submitting it for review does not guarantee that I will be chosen.
Date Applicant Signature
Frank Lee “I don’t give a damn” Scarlett
Do not write below this line, this area will be used to take notes when conducting interviews.