fuck this life

[endlessly_muse]

i feel so alone. i can't accept that he's gone. he always promised me he'd always be here. those nights, when both of us were rejected by our families we used to lie on the train tracks, just talking, him just happy to be in my company, while me, just wishing a train would run me over. i was so fucking depressed then, i thought i knew what it was like to be loved, to be hurt and to be depressed. but now i know what it's like to truely experience all three of them. and all i want is out, not out of love, but out of this pain and this mind frame. i want to be happy. i want to forget all this shit thats happened recently, i want to take back the last few days in fact, ever since i was 4 my life has been one big shitbox and i want it all to go away. ok i know thats not going to happen, i know wade, bj, jas, ben, peter and jess, i know that they're not going to magically rise from the dead and suddenly be here again. but it doesn't mean i dont' want it to happen. they meant more to me than my own life, each in their own special little way and i just wish that they could come back to me. but they're gone. the one that hurts the most is wade. why the fuck did he do it? i know it was my fault. i know i'm to blame. i should have been there for him. not obsessed with my own good fortune of gunay. i should know after ben that i shouldn't get so caught up in falling in love. but no, it takes more than two peoples lives for me to realise i'm a selfish bitch. i fucking hate myself. i have no fucking clue of whats happening around me. all i care about is myself. trying to make MYSELF happy, trying to get people to like ME i don't give a shit about anyone else. i have no ability. i suck at everything i do, i suck at writing, i suck at drawing, i suck at life. i can't even make myself happy, how the fuck am i meant to make gunay happy? i can't even go through a whole day without crying now. i used to never cry, just let it all build up inside but now, shits raining down fast. i can't go a couple of hours without thinking about ml, i mean he's taking over my life. i'm paranoid, ever since my dad showed him my school photo that he might stalk me after school like keiran, i'm paranoid that he's going to find me, and that this time i wont get off as lightly as i did last time. this time, it might all be the same as when i was 13, and what am i going to do then? no fucking credit, i can't call gunay for help, but even if i did have credit, i wouldn't call him. it's not his problem. i feel like i'm imposing on his life by sharing my problems with him. i know thats hwat i'm meant to do, but i hide so fucking much from everyone. i don't like people knowing everything. my mother knows too much. my brother suspects something happened with him and hence never leaves me in the same room, which i'm thankful for everyday. i love him so much. he looks after me. so does gunay. they would be the two people i care for the most in the world, they both look after me. ahhh i'm so fucking angry. i want all this pain to go away, i want my life to be back to how it was and more than anything i want my friends back. i'm 16, i'm not meant to have experienced loss at this greater scale. six friends all killed themselves before 18, i can't handle this. wade, i mean for fucks sake wade. he always was there for me and i thougth he was through this shit. and then suddenly he was gone. i never got to say goodbye. and now i know this feeling this is the only reason i'm staying here, because i dont' want people to experience that feeling when i go, (not that many would) but i'm also here for gunay. i care about him. he makes me want to stay. but sometimes other things, memories and feelings overcome these feelings of love and i want to die. like now. i want to fucking die. and i don't fucking know why, i can't blame my uncle or keiran all the time, they only added to the memories. i dont' fucking need this shit with my mother right now and i want all these people to just fuck off out of my life and leave me alone i can sort my own shit out and i definately don't need no councillor to tell me how to sort it out. fuck her.

i love you guys. r.i.p all of you