Too much thinking.

[endlessblur]

Here I am, sipping Slim Fast, trying to stay awake even though I already took my sleepy medicine. I wonder why I do this to myself? I used to crave sleep, to pray for at least one peaceful night...just one, and it would be worth it forever. I never got it by myself, though, no matter how hard I tried. And now that I have assistance, I don't want to accept it sometimes. Sometimes in my mind I still have that fear, held close like it's a part of me (it IS a part of me, isn't it?), almost afraid of letting go. But I want to, so so badly. Do I even begin to know how? What will happen to me?

When you're so used to fearing something for so long, it's hard to know when it's really okay. Finally accepting that I'm allowed to go to sleep is like this. It used to be so bad I'd literally force myself to stay up as long as possible. My winning score was three and a half days when I collapsed into a puddle of zombie fluid.

So as I'm getting more and more dizzy while typing this, I know that soon I'll surrender and lay down. I'll close my eyes, but only because the medicine makes me have no choice in the matter. Perhaps that is what bothers me most, is being controlled. I cannot stand to know that I can't operate myself. But the bad thoughts will fade away more and more with every passing breath I take...and hopefully, if everything goes right, morning will come. The sun will shine again.

And I will go on.