(no subject)
I have not updated in a while. At least not a thought out update, so I thought I'd attempt to rectify that. I don't really know what to talk about however. Only one thing of import is on my mind at the moment, and somehow it seems to precious to part with. Especially on an electronic journal such as this. These thoughts are better suited for a leather bound diary, or a late night telephone call. Thats just how I feel.
I havent written in a while. I believe that I've found out something that is not convenient at all. I can not write when I am happy. Every word comes out sounding unctuous and overly sugar-coated. It is most certainly not a good thing. But its worth it. One small sacrifice.
Its strange, in english class, we have already taken to discussing prom. Planning it, debating over decorations, fundraising, dress colors... the works. It scares me. Prom is at the end of the year. After prom, there is graduation. And then they leave me. Its so incredibly scary. I seriously hate even thinking about it. I know they have to leave, I know thats what you do after high school, I know that these late nights, this endless hanging out with no point, can not last. Yet I dont want to face it. I dont want to sit by and watch my friends grow up, to stand helpless as they go out into the world, without any way to join them myself. I know I'm being dramatic, but I dont want these days to soon just be memories. I want it to last. I dont ever want to let them go. Let these days slip through my fingers until they are just photographs in a blue book, alongside little girls and christmas memories. I dont want to.
Here's a short poem I wrote today during Dual Credit History. Just because I dont want to think about Andrew and Brooke and Keela and everyone else leaving any longer. So yeah. Here it is. Its really really short.
Contradictions
Mind and heart once more at war
Without knowing which stand they're taking
A gaping hole, inside my chest
Chills as wind rushes through it
The words pour over me
Like a river of meaning
But their substance is lost
On my distracted ears
My hickory heart
Is slowly softening
I wonder if the tears
Are finally spoiling in.
And then theres this one that I didn't finish, but Im posting nonetheless.
The introspection of a raving mind
Repeating these decisions
Returning every time
To that same old image
Your face mirrored in eyes
Full of anguish, full of sorrow
Only regret
Trying to come up with a solution
To the trinomial equations
Scrambling to make sense of any kind
And making none whatsoever to anyone
Around her
As she struggles with your secret
With her own
When youre gone
Its a puzzle with a missing piece
Your story, to her
Its an unfathomable ending
Your leaving, is to her
She keeps on sitting in that chair,
With her bottle and her words
An empty heart, an empty glass,
Staring at the door
Actually believing, convinced youll soon return
Youve been gone for months now
And yet its still the first day
Her tears have not shown any signs of stopping
As they fuel on her debate.
Yeah thats all Ive got. As I said. I can not write when I'm happy. And Ive been happy for the past few weeks, and I'll hopefully be happy for quite a while. :) Wow. Im gay. I did the smiley face thing. But I'm smiling. So I dont care.
I havent written in a while. I believe that I've found out something that is not convenient at all. I can not write when I am happy. Every word comes out sounding unctuous and overly sugar-coated. It is most certainly not a good thing. But its worth it. One small sacrifice.
Its strange, in english class, we have already taken to discussing prom. Planning it, debating over decorations, fundraising, dress colors... the works. It scares me. Prom is at the end of the year. After prom, there is graduation. And then they leave me. Its so incredibly scary. I seriously hate even thinking about it. I know they have to leave, I know thats what you do after high school, I know that these late nights, this endless hanging out with no point, can not last. Yet I dont want to face it. I dont want to sit by and watch my friends grow up, to stand helpless as they go out into the world, without any way to join them myself. I know I'm being dramatic, but I dont want these days to soon just be memories. I want it to last. I dont ever want to let them go. Let these days slip through my fingers until they are just photographs in a blue book, alongside little girls and christmas memories. I dont want to.
Here's a short poem I wrote today during Dual Credit History. Just because I dont want to think about Andrew and Brooke and Keela and everyone else leaving any longer. So yeah. Here it is. Its really really short.
Contradictions
Mind and heart once more at war
Without knowing which stand they're taking
A gaping hole, inside my chest
Chills as wind rushes through it
The words pour over me
Like a river of meaning
But their substance is lost
On my distracted ears
My hickory heart
Is slowly softening
I wonder if the tears
Are finally spoiling in.
And then theres this one that I didn't finish, but Im posting nonetheless.
The introspection of a raving mind
Repeating these decisions
Returning every time
To that same old image
Your face mirrored in eyes
Full of anguish, full of sorrow
Only regret
Trying to come up with a solution
To the trinomial equations
Scrambling to make sense of any kind
And making none whatsoever to anyone
Around her
As she struggles with your secret
With her own
When youre gone
Its a puzzle with a missing piece
Your story, to her
Its an unfathomable ending
Your leaving, is to her
She keeps on sitting in that chair,
With her bottle and her words
An empty heart, an empty glass,
Staring at the door
Actually believing, convinced youll soon return
Youve been gone for months now
And yet its still the first day
Her tears have not shown any signs of stopping
As they fuel on her debate.
Yeah thats all Ive got. As I said. I can not write when I'm happy. And Ive been happy for the past few weeks, and I'll hopefully be happy for quite a while. :) Wow. Im gay. I did the smiley face thing. But I'm smiling. So I dont care.