Anger and Ranting, Perhaps a confession.
I'm not sorry. But I have this problem.
I have noticed that I have an all-or-nothing law with attention. And that more often than not, if my attention is not ENTIRELY focused on the person I'm talking to, I slip out of paying attention without realizing it.
It is annoying to some, offensive to most, but that is how my brain is. It's why I insist on eye contact, and for people to wait for me to finish what I'm doing before I talk to them. I'm a one-thing-at-a-time type. If I try to do too many things at once, something gets neglected. Which is in most cases paying attention to a conversation.
It gnaws at me whenever I'm caught. "You're not even listening." It's like a slap in the face to remind me of my... problem. There's nothing I can do about it, and it will happen from time to time. It's an impairment of mine. It makes my stomach prune, and twist and I feel completely awful. Like I've let them down. I hear disappointment in the tone every single time. And just once, I'd like some consideration.
But here's my other problem. Many other girls share this. I tend to surround myself with people who don't appreciate me.
And another thing. I am getting -sick- and -tired- of people constantly talking to me about how to be understanding toward others, yet any time I make mistakes, do something stupid, or say something that might not have been received right, I get torn into relenetlessly.
I am sick of high expectations. I can now see why others hide their noble qualities to maintain low expectations. To reduce that strain. I've lived that with a long time.
And "treat others as you want to be treated"? Please. I think I'm the only person who abides by that rule. Because I am constantly bombarded by those who want to treat me like crap. It's like they want me to treat them like garbage, but I can never bring myself to be cruel to others. Not without dissonance infesting my innards like a god damn stomach ache.
For me, it hurts to be mean. And to be rude.
I think I'm arriving to that plateau that is called "Jaded." "Bitter" and "resentful."
Too often am I not treated like an equal. I'm discarded. I swear I have to roll over bleeding for people to be like, "Oh man! She might -actually- be hurt!" Why would I lie about being hurt? For some reason, people doubt my every word.
It's like they -want- me to be a liar. To be angry. To be mean. Or that I meant to be.
I cry. A lot. About silly things. I'm too afraid to tell others, because they will always cast judgment.
People are cruel, and think they have the world figured out.
I feel alone, all the time. Because a great portion of my day is literally spent alone at my 1-1 apartment in a town where under 10 people even know my name. I don't have roomies, which may seem like a dream.. but it isn't. It's not as glamorous as it seems.
I have had many battles with coping with it. And I have had problems which nobody else could help me with even if they wanted to because of my isolation from my family and friends. I am trying desperately hard to make things work, to meet people and make more friends. But it isn't easy being new. And even after a year of living here, I am still struggling to reach out to the world and have something snag.
I just don't know what else I need to do. I've tried everything short of holding a sign around my neck saying, "I am new here! I live alone. PLEASE BE MY FRIEND!"
It's a lot to bear. And I've cried more often now than I have in my teenaged years...
I just want to be happy again. And all the uneven pressures from others just rubs in the fact that I am in fact still miserable.
I thought that improving my self image would lead to that. I thought that feeling good about myself would be enough. But it isn't.
Valentine's day is creeping close... and that will be a sad, sad day..
A day I will probably spend crying again, naturally. Last year, it was because someone I was with let me down for the first and last time. And this year is because there is nobody at all that can be with me on that day that doesn't have to be with their someone else.
I don't know why it all still hurts so much.
But it's okay, nobody cares. Or it's just "small peanuts" compared to their nonsense. Well, fuck you. How dare you try to label my personal agonies as foolish or "not good enough". It doesn't matter if they measure up to the expectations of yours. Fuck your expectations.
I hope I don't cry myself to sleep tonight. It's looking like a pretty good possibility.
I hate February.
-Moof-
I have noticed that I have an all-or-nothing law with attention. And that more often than not, if my attention is not ENTIRELY focused on the person I'm talking to, I slip out of paying attention without realizing it.
It is annoying to some, offensive to most, but that is how my brain is. It's why I insist on eye contact, and for people to wait for me to finish what I'm doing before I talk to them. I'm a one-thing-at-a-time type. If I try to do too many things at once, something gets neglected. Which is in most cases paying attention to a conversation.
It gnaws at me whenever I'm caught. "You're not even listening." It's like a slap in the face to remind me of my... problem. There's nothing I can do about it, and it will happen from time to time. It's an impairment of mine. It makes my stomach prune, and twist and I feel completely awful. Like I've let them down. I hear disappointment in the tone every single time. And just once, I'd like some consideration.
But here's my other problem. Many other girls share this. I tend to surround myself with people who don't appreciate me.
- They are often suspicious of my motives
- they are insecure about my loyalties
- they -never- believe me.
- And my problems are never taken serious by them, simply brushed aside.
And another thing. I am getting -sick- and -tired- of people constantly talking to me about how to be understanding toward others, yet any time I make mistakes, do something stupid, or say something that might not have been received right, I get torn into relenetlessly.
I am sick of high expectations. I can now see why others hide their noble qualities to maintain low expectations. To reduce that strain. I've lived that with a long time.
- Who stands up for me? Who rationalizes what I do and talk someone else out of being upset with me? Nobody.
And "treat others as you want to be treated"? Please. I think I'm the only person who abides by that rule. Because I am constantly bombarded by those who want to treat me like crap. It's like they want me to treat them like garbage, but I can never bring myself to be cruel to others. Not without dissonance infesting my innards like a god damn stomach ache.
For me, it hurts to be mean. And to be rude.
I think I'm arriving to that plateau that is called "Jaded." "Bitter" and "resentful."
Too often am I not treated like an equal. I'm discarded. I swear I have to roll over bleeding for people to be like, "Oh man! She might -actually- be hurt!" Why would I lie about being hurt? For some reason, people doubt my every word.
It's like they -want- me to be a liar. To be angry. To be mean. Or that I meant to be.
I cry. A lot. About silly things. I'm too afraid to tell others, because they will always cast judgment.
People are cruel, and think they have the world figured out.
I feel alone, all the time. Because a great portion of my day is literally spent alone at my 1-1 apartment in a town where under 10 people even know my name. I don't have roomies, which may seem like a dream.. but it isn't. It's not as glamorous as it seems.
I have had many battles with coping with it. And I have had problems which nobody else could help me with even if they wanted to because of my isolation from my family and friends. I am trying desperately hard to make things work, to meet people and make more friends. But it isn't easy being new. And even after a year of living here, I am still struggling to reach out to the world and have something snag.
I just don't know what else I need to do. I've tried everything short of holding a sign around my neck saying, "I am new here! I live alone. PLEASE BE MY FRIEND!"
It's a lot to bear. And I've cried more often now than I have in my teenaged years...
I just want to be happy again. And all the uneven pressures from others just rubs in the fact that I am in fact still miserable.
I thought that improving my self image would lead to that. I thought that feeling good about myself would be enough. But it isn't.
Valentine's day is creeping close... and that will be a sad, sad day..
A day I will probably spend crying again, naturally. Last year, it was because someone I was with let me down for the first and last time. And this year is because there is nobody at all that can be with me on that day that doesn't have to be with their someone else.
I don't know why it all still hurts so much.
But it's okay, nobody cares. Or it's just "small peanuts" compared to their nonsense. Well, fuck you. How dare you try to label my personal agonies as foolish or "not good enough". It doesn't matter if they measure up to the expectations of yours. Fuck your expectations.
I hope I don't cry myself to sleep tonight. It's looking like a pretty good possibility.
I hate February.
-Moof-