Update
Monday 13-11-06
Because I'm back at my own place again and one of my roomate's is being so childish about
the internet connection I can't update my LJ every day.
But, because I still need to get things off my chest I will write it anyway and post it later.
As I thought, I slept awfull last night...I'm just to stressed at the moment about my job.
I'm Assistent Manager of a smal warehouse but I just want to be a saleswoman or however you
call it.There are more reassons that made me come to this decision.One of them is because
my boss is sometimes just an asshole, who only thinks about himself and think's he's all that.
Can't really stand it.Today I heard of one of my other colleages that he complained about me,
I wouldnt have done enough on the day that he was free and I had to manage the store.
And yeah, sure that's true, that's also one of the reassons I wanted to talk to him in the
first place.But to think that he would complain to someone who sees me as a supiriour, that's
just a stupid thing for him to do.He should come to me if he has complains about me.
And one of the other reassons is that I just can't handle the stress anymore.
When I know I'm the one in charge the next day because he is free of something, I can
hardly sleep because I'm stressing myself out with stupid things.He's is never satisfied,
always have things to complain about me, so that makes me sooo insecure.And I just don't
think that's worth it all.I have to choose for myself for once in my life because no one
else can and/or would do that for me.And because I'm going into therapy for probably 2 times a week,
it's better for him to get a new assistent anyway.
Eventho I know he can're refuse me to drop my assistent-status I'm still affraid of how he is
going to react.I'm really bad at confrontations anyway so now I'm stressing about thát...
It's just that little circle wich I really need to break sooner or later because otherwise
it will break me.
I'm also considering to just call in sick but I'm just to "good" to do that... Don't take it
the wrong way, but say I dó call in sick, others have to cover my hours so they would have
to work more/harder.And that makes me feel more guilty, eventho I know I have the "right"
because I ám really sick...Maybe not that obvious for others to see, but things are really going
the wrong way...Ah well, I have to grap all my curage together and just going to confront him
with the things on my mind, I'll see whatever comes out...
As I mentioned before, I'm at my own place again.Really was hard for me to leave my parents house
earlier this evening but I can't really come up with a reasson...Guess I'm just too affraid
of myself because here I have more time to think stuff trough and here I can cut myself
all I want....Sure, I have roomates and yeah we did play cards all evening but it's the
moment before I go to bed that's the worst.
So I really almost got tears in my eyes when I said goodbye to my dad and our dog...
I was doubthing to tell my parents about the job thing, but at the last second
I couldnt get it out of my mouth...I just feel like a big fat failure I guess...
I'm really tired of it all, tired in my body, in my head, in my heart and in my soul...
I'm just staring at my screen for like 15 minutes now, my mind has gone blank at the moment...
so I leave it at this...
thuesday 14-11-06
Today I'll make it short...Was feeling pretty down and useless all evening...Watched "The Bone Collector"
and then I went to sit down in the kitchen...Underneath our big windows there's a wide piece of wood (hope I explain it ok oO)
where you can sit on,so I did...Sat there by myself in the dark, staring out of the window...
Wachting cars go by and watch how the wind blew trough the trees...And like always I started crying for no reasson.
Because I dind't want the spend the rest of the evening like that, I went back to my room, took some pills ( 2 to
"relax" and 1 for my upcoming headache) and put on "Ice age".And I've got to admit, I feel better now...Not good, but better.
So I think (read hope) that I will sleep ok.
Almost forgot lol, I've had "the talk" with my boss today... It's a big story but it ends good...Im going to stay Assistent
but I layed down some ground rules...He said that he really dind't want to loose me as assistent because he think's I'm good,
so he was open for ideas of me so that I was satisfied and will be able to keep being assistent...In the back of my mind
I think that he will let me go if my contract expires but I don't care...that's in august next year so who knows what will
happen in the mean time...And for now I can live with this situation...And if things will go the wrong way I can always quit, right?
Last thing that I want to say is that My Best Friend is turning 23 today!! She is 2 months older then me, eventho you would
think that she is much much much wiser ;-)
Happy birthday to you sweet girl, I hope you got my sms and I hope you don't blame me for not calling...But I know you'll understand.
I love you verry verry verry much and I hope we still are best friends when we BOTH turn 80! ;-)
(For the record, we are best friends since we where 4 years old!!! So Big party next year! :)) *HUG*!
Because I'm back at my own place again and one of my roomate's is being so childish about
the internet connection I can't update my LJ every day.
But, because I still need to get things off my chest I will write it anyway and post it later.
As I thought, I slept awfull last night...I'm just to stressed at the moment about my job.
I'm Assistent Manager of a smal warehouse but I just want to be a saleswoman or however you
call it.There are more reassons that made me come to this decision.One of them is because
my boss is sometimes just an asshole, who only thinks about himself and think's he's all that.
Can't really stand it.Today I heard of one of my other colleages that he complained about me,
I wouldnt have done enough on the day that he was free and I had to manage the store.
And yeah, sure that's true, that's also one of the reassons I wanted to talk to him in the
first place.But to think that he would complain to someone who sees me as a supiriour, that's
just a stupid thing for him to do.He should come to me if he has complains about me.
And one of the other reassons is that I just can't handle the stress anymore.
When I know I'm the one in charge the next day because he is free of something, I can
hardly sleep because I'm stressing myself out with stupid things.He's is never satisfied,
always have things to complain about me, so that makes me sooo insecure.And I just don't
think that's worth it all.I have to choose for myself for once in my life because no one
else can and/or would do that for me.And because I'm going into therapy for probably 2 times a week,
it's better for him to get a new assistent anyway.
Eventho I know he can're refuse me to drop my assistent-status I'm still affraid of how he is
going to react.I'm really bad at confrontations anyway so now I'm stressing about thát...
It's just that little circle wich I really need to break sooner or later because otherwise
it will break me.
I'm also considering to just call in sick but I'm just to "good" to do that... Don't take it
the wrong way, but say I dó call in sick, others have to cover my hours so they would have
to work more/harder.And that makes me feel more guilty, eventho I know I have the "right"
because I ám really sick...Maybe not that obvious for others to see, but things are really going
the wrong way...Ah well, I have to grap all my curage together and just going to confront him
with the things on my mind, I'll see whatever comes out...
As I mentioned before, I'm at my own place again.Really was hard for me to leave my parents house
earlier this evening but I can't really come up with a reasson...Guess I'm just too affraid
of myself because here I have more time to think stuff trough and here I can cut myself
all I want....Sure, I have roomates and yeah we did play cards all evening but it's the
moment before I go to bed that's the worst.
So I really almost got tears in my eyes when I said goodbye to my dad and our dog...
I was doubthing to tell my parents about the job thing, but at the last second
I couldnt get it out of my mouth...I just feel like a big fat failure I guess...
I'm really tired of it all, tired in my body, in my head, in my heart and in my soul...
I'm just staring at my screen for like 15 minutes now, my mind has gone blank at the moment...
so I leave it at this...
thuesday 14-11-06
Today I'll make it short...Was feeling pretty down and useless all evening...Watched "The Bone Collector"
and then I went to sit down in the kitchen...Underneath our big windows there's a wide piece of wood (hope I explain it ok oO)
where you can sit on,so I did...Sat there by myself in the dark, staring out of the window...
Wachting cars go by and watch how the wind blew trough the trees...And like always I started crying for no reasson.
Because I dind't want the spend the rest of the evening like that, I went back to my room, took some pills ( 2 to
"relax" and 1 for my upcoming headache) and put on "Ice age".And I've got to admit, I feel better now...Not good, but better.
So I think (read hope) that I will sleep ok.
Almost forgot lol, I've had "the talk" with my boss today... It's a big story but it ends good...Im going to stay Assistent
but I layed down some ground rules...He said that he really dind't want to loose me as assistent because he think's I'm good,
so he was open for ideas of me so that I was satisfied and will be able to keep being assistent...In the back of my mind
I think that he will let me go if my contract expires but I don't care...that's in august next year so who knows what will
happen in the mean time...And for now I can live with this situation...And if things will go the wrong way I can always quit, right?
Last thing that I want to say is that My Best Friend is turning 23 today!! She is 2 months older then me, eventho you would
think that she is much much much wiser ;-)
Happy birthday to you sweet girl, I hope you got my sms and I hope you don't blame me for not calling...But I know you'll understand.
I love you verry verry verry much and I hope we still are best friends when we BOTH turn 80! ;-)
(For the record, we are best friends since we where 4 years old!!! So Big party next year! :)) *HUG*!