(no subject)
It is taking every single ounce of my willpower right now not to contact Ransom. I was already having a rough day, you know missing him and all..and then I got some film developed and there are all these pictures of him, of me, of us.
I don't know I thought I'd be ok...turns out I'm not..at all..and talking to Roxxy and physically stoping myself is all thats keepnig me from him...but..of course thats not all thats keeping me from him, he's keeping me from him. Of fuck.
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:31 PM]: hola
Hazelangel3 [6:32 PM]: hey
Hazelangel3 [6:32 PM]: you have to do something to keep from calling, or texting, or emailing him
Hazelangel3 [6:32 PM]: right now
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:32 PM]: oy
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:32 PM]: how many times have you communicated?
zelangel3 [6:32 PM]: 0
Hazelangel3 [6:33 PM]: brb
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:33 PM]: btw, after you told me that i had a dream with justin dumping me and iwoke up crying. you suck :P
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:33 PM]: well then. i'm impressed
Hazelangel3 [6:35 PM]: ok
Hazelangel3 [6:35 PM]: sorry
Hazelangel3 [6:35 PM]: well good
Hazelangel3 [6:35 PM]: i think
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:35 PM]: no worries
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:35 PM]: while i was asleep i felt your pain?
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:35 PM]: :-\
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:35 PM]: i'm trying
Hazelangel3 [6:35 PM]: hmm
Hazelangel3 [6:35 PM]: well...
Hazelangel3 [6:35 PM]: kinda I suppose
Hazelangel3 [6:35 PM]: only you got to wake up and you haven't been with Justin for 3 years
Hazelangel3 [6:36 PM]: i'm gonna call him
Hazelangel3 [6:36 PM]: i can't not call him.
Hazelangel3 [6:37 PM]: i just feel like if I can say the right thing.
Hazelangel3 [6:37 PM]: and I know thats not true.
Hazelangel3 [6:37 PM]: and I keep thinking maybe I want to be friends, if nothing else, but then I think about having to hear about his new girlfriends..when he gets them.
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:38 PM]: he's so stupid
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:38 PM]: has mr. guyattheclub called yet?
Hazelangel3 [6:38 PM]: and then I feel like maybe he wants to call but is being too stubborn, which may or may not be true, but then again I"m being stubborn by not calling, so what if we both want to call..and aren't because we're both being stubborn?
Hazelangel3 [6:38 PM]: of coruse not
Hazelangel3 [6:38 PM]: who would want to call me?
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:39 PM]: i do?
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:39 PM]: you really deserve better though
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:39 PM]: if you talk to him you wont be able to moveo n
Hazelangel3 [6:40 PM]: i can't move on anyway
Hazelangel3 [6:40 PM]: there are ppl that you just dont' get over, and he is one of them.
Hazelangel3 [6:40 PM]: he won't answer anyway.
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:41 PM]: you will get over him because you deserve a guy who will at least talk about marrying you
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:41 PM]: who isnt so immature and scared shitless of being grown up and commiting
Hazelangel3 [6:41 PM]: but we did talk about it, like a month or so before this all happened
Hazelangel3 [6:41 PM]: hmm now you sound like my best friend
Hazelangel3 [6:41 PM]: well i mean we kinda talked about it
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:42 PM]: you talked about it and it scared him and he quit and left
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:42 PM]: which is a bitchy immature thing to do
Hazelangel3 [6:43 PM]: what if he doesn't miss me
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:43 PM]: then thats okay. because you need someone better
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:43 PM]: even though i think he does. teh comfort of a long term relationship, all the really positive attributes about you
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:44 PM]: but you need to focus on the WHOLE him, not just the good things about him
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:44 PM]: there were bad parts too
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:44 PM]: dont torture yourself and overlook them and start thinking he was perfect
Hazelangel3 [6:44 PM]: i know he's not perfect.
Hazelangel3 [6:44 PM]: i know that, but I loved even the imperfections in him..aned
Hazelangel3 [6:45 PM]: I can't understand why he doesnt' love the imperfections in em
Hazelangel3 [6:45 PM]: and i want to know why he blocked me online.
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:45 PM]: because he's not as good of a person as you
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:45 PM]: because he doesn't want to feel guilty because he's selfish
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:45 PM]: he didn't want to deal with your emotions
FAsHiOnLoVer935 [6:45 PM]: .that was greedy
Sometimes I pray and pray and then just the right thing comes along and it helps for a bit..
Yesterday it was this:
Your courage will be rewarded. Painful as this time is you will both one day see the reason of it, and see too that it was not cruel testing, but tender preparation for the wonderful life work you are both going to do.
Try to realize that your own prayers are being most wonderfully answered. Answered in a way that seems painful to you, but that just now is the only way.
I know you will see this had to be.
Today it was:
You are being guided but remember that I said "I will guide thee with MINE eye"
And MY eye is MY set purpose-MY will
to guide with MY Will is to bring all your desires into oneness with MY Will-my desires.
To make MY will your only will. Then MY Will guides you.
Iwrote this for him today:
I gave you everything I am. I poured myself into you into us a millino times a million ways I showed I lvoed you I showed I cared and it never mattered that I didnt' get cards for no reason that you didn't surprise mewith little gift or my favorite candy I guess I thought you loved me in other ways
Will i always be stupid in love?
I never ever ever ever ever dreamed or imagined or pictured my life without you in it and yet here it is empty horrible sad creeping along day by day
and do you miss me a fraction of how much I miss you? Do you miss giving me goosebumps by breathing on my neck? Do you miss the way my head fit against your chest? The way our hands wove together and swung between us
and what do you do on your drive home from work? Do you call someone else because the habit is hard to kill? Whose leftovers do you eat? Do you miss the sound of my voice? MY face? My body?
What did you do with all the cards? The letters? The pictures? What did you do with the gifts upon gifts? The poems? The bass? The bits and pieces of me? And can you play you X-box with all your alone time now and not see my face?
Do Ihaunt your dreams when you sleep at night? I know you sleep. You alway can and do. DO you miss recalling the details of your day to me?
Do you miss my blue eyes? My freckled cheeks and nose? My tiny feet?
Does your foot ever brush your shees at night and remind you that you could be laying with me? Or how i love to rub the bottoms of my feet against the sheets?
Does every silver cavalier make your hart jump just a little in your chest?
And do you ever still think wow what a day this has been I can't wait to tell mary about it?
Do you feel bad for dumping me online after three years of lovng, living and laughter? Because I deserved more than that from you.
And I'm trying to get over you because I know you must be well on your way to getting over me... I even went so far as to give a guy my number 3 days after you broke my beautiful heart, but he never called just like you never call anymore
And my heart tells me that our time is not over..but I pray constantly ad I'm trying to trust in GOD
And luckily I have good friends and a good family
and even if you don't anymore, there ARE people in this world who love me. ANd as much as I want to say "I deserve a guy who cannot live without me, so if you can FUCK YOU" I can't because I can't believe this is easy for you. I know you Ransom Erron
I know you
I love you
and you're not fooling me.