Throwing away my pride for her.
This is it, this is all I have left. My word.
I know you have a lot to lose, and I'm not saying you don't. But when you say this is easier for me, that's just making a blind statement. You know me. You know how much of a proud, pig-headed, idealistic fool I am. You know how hard this is for me, so stop pretending you don't. I've thrown away my pride for you. I have borderline groveled to try and have you back. I have done everything but be willing to tell you not to do what will make you happy.
I'm telling the world right now, I love Rosemary Joy Lavieri more than my music, my pride, my friends, or anything else I have. I've tried to do this in every proper way except for use tact. I'm going to write this as a public final plea, and you do what you think is right. I wanted to do this in person tonight and let you look in my eyes as I said it all, but that doesn't seem possible.
Shawna said to just wait, that you'd be back in a month, but what she doesn't understand is that the reason I had wanted to see you tonight, wasn't just to see you, it was to stop this downwards spiral in my head. To one way or another finally know where I stood right now. It's so hard to know how earnest someone is without looking them in the eyes. All, I want is to know if this is the ending or the start of the next chapter.
I know I flew off the handle Sunday and tonight, but that's because I'm sitting here hanging myself out to dry and all I'm getting is a back and forth of maybe, maybe not. I've said it a hundred times how I feel, and this time I'm going to make sure everyone knows it. I'm very bad at this because I'm not used to being willing to shame myself so much for something.
To start, a list of what I miss:
---Holding you.
---Falling asleep able to feel your body heave as you breath.
---Laying in bed with you all day whenever it was probable.
---Knowing that when I poked your nose, I was going to see it wrinkle up.
---Holding your hand while riding in various vehicles. Even if it meant bending my arm in awkward positions, it was always worth it to feel your fingers entwined with mine.
---The way you'd laugh with me whenever I managed to do something completely retarded.
---Going out to brunch together and knowing you were going to get some weird drink or food and get such a look of childlike delight from it.
---Knowing that likely I would be woken up by you, with an urgency that made me think you were waiting for me to get up to open your presents on Christmas or your birthday.
---Knowing that no matter how much people were hating on me, you would still be there to hold me when I felt like I had no one left.
---How when I kissed you I felt the same joy as the first time, something I've never felt kissing anyone else.
---Fighting to be open with each other, because we are both very emotionally closed people.
There's much more, but those are the ones I've thought about every day since I made the jackass move of letting you leave me without a fight. In the end what I want is to know you're happy, but before I can just lay down and hope you find it, I have to make sure that you know without any doubt that you know just how much I care about you.
You are the only girl I've ever been dating on a valentine's day, and I messed it up royally. I want to have more of them to be able to do it right. You keep telling me I'll move on, but why would I want someone besides you?
You tell me these stories about your life now and all I want to do is hold you, because nothing has changed just the person doing it. You tell me you're told what you can and can't do, decisions that should be no one's but yours. All I want is to be the one supporting you in all you do, and know that you're still the girl that no matter how much I hate myself your love of me counteracts that. You lift me up and make me feel like maybe I do deserve to be happy, but the problem with that is that the thing I need to be happy is you.
I can get a rush from any girl, but no matter how much you look negatively at yourself you should know that none of them make my adrenaline pump like you do. I look in your eyes and I feel more alive than the combination of any three of the ones I've been with since.
I look into my future and I see the only one I've ever actually believed could truly be mine, and that's one that includes you Rose. You are my driving force in life, and no matter how this ends, I finally understand the saying that "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
We tried setting a rule that we couldn't talk about our history, and that blatantly failed which I believe to be because you love those memories as much as me.
I know that I want you Rose, and I want to be yours. I want to get my life in order just a step behind yours most of the way, then be right there next to you holding hands when we've reached a time when we're able to have a home and a family that's ours. I don't want that now, but I know that if it's with you, I want it someday.
I don't believe we've ever truly admitted this to people, but I'm going to say it now. I meant it when I asked you to marry me and spend our lives together, do you still feel the same.
I lied when I said I wouldn't wait for you,
Matthew.
I know you have a lot to lose, and I'm not saying you don't. But when you say this is easier for me, that's just making a blind statement. You know me. You know how much of a proud, pig-headed, idealistic fool I am. You know how hard this is for me, so stop pretending you don't. I've thrown away my pride for you. I have borderline groveled to try and have you back. I have done everything but be willing to tell you not to do what will make you happy.
I'm telling the world right now, I love Rosemary Joy Lavieri more than my music, my pride, my friends, or anything else I have. I've tried to do this in every proper way except for use tact. I'm going to write this as a public final plea, and you do what you think is right. I wanted to do this in person tonight and let you look in my eyes as I said it all, but that doesn't seem possible.
Shawna said to just wait, that you'd be back in a month, but what she doesn't understand is that the reason I had wanted to see you tonight, wasn't just to see you, it was to stop this downwards spiral in my head. To one way or another finally know where I stood right now. It's so hard to know how earnest someone is without looking them in the eyes. All, I want is to know if this is the ending or the start of the next chapter.
I know I flew off the handle Sunday and tonight, but that's because I'm sitting here hanging myself out to dry and all I'm getting is a back and forth of maybe, maybe not. I've said it a hundred times how I feel, and this time I'm going to make sure everyone knows it. I'm very bad at this because I'm not used to being willing to shame myself so much for something.
To start, a list of what I miss:
---Holding you.
---Falling asleep able to feel your body heave as you breath.
---Laying in bed with you all day whenever it was probable.
---Knowing that when I poked your nose, I was going to see it wrinkle up.
---Holding your hand while riding in various vehicles. Even if it meant bending my arm in awkward positions, it was always worth it to feel your fingers entwined with mine.
---The way you'd laugh with me whenever I managed to do something completely retarded.
---Going out to brunch together and knowing you were going to get some weird drink or food and get such a look of childlike delight from it.
---Knowing that likely I would be woken up by you, with an urgency that made me think you were waiting for me to get up to open your presents on Christmas or your birthday.
---Knowing that no matter how much people were hating on me, you would still be there to hold me when I felt like I had no one left.
---How when I kissed you I felt the same joy as the first time, something I've never felt kissing anyone else.
---Fighting to be open with each other, because we are both very emotionally closed people.
There's much more, but those are the ones I've thought about every day since I made the jackass move of letting you leave me without a fight. In the end what I want is to know you're happy, but before I can just lay down and hope you find it, I have to make sure that you know without any doubt that you know just how much I care about you.
You are the only girl I've ever been dating on a valentine's day, and I messed it up royally. I want to have more of them to be able to do it right. You keep telling me I'll move on, but why would I want someone besides you?
You tell me these stories about your life now and all I want to do is hold you, because nothing has changed just the person doing it. You tell me you're told what you can and can't do, decisions that should be no one's but yours. All I want is to be the one supporting you in all you do, and know that you're still the girl that no matter how much I hate myself your love of me counteracts that. You lift me up and make me feel like maybe I do deserve to be happy, but the problem with that is that the thing I need to be happy is you.
I can get a rush from any girl, but no matter how much you look negatively at yourself you should know that none of them make my adrenaline pump like you do. I look in your eyes and I feel more alive than the combination of any three of the ones I've been with since.
I look into my future and I see the only one I've ever actually believed could truly be mine, and that's one that includes you Rose. You are my driving force in life, and no matter how this ends, I finally understand the saying that "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
We tried setting a rule that we couldn't talk about our history, and that blatantly failed which I believe to be because you love those memories as much as me.
I know that I want you Rose, and I want to be yours. I want to get my life in order just a step behind yours most of the way, then be right there next to you holding hands when we've reached a time when we're able to have a home and a family that's ours. I don't want that now, but I know that if it's with you, I want it someday.
I don't believe we've ever truly admitted this to people, but I'm going to say it now. I meant it when I asked you to marry me and spend our lives together, do you still feel the same.
I lied when I said I wouldn't wait for you,
Matthew.