I'm reposting this cause I want this to be the first thing you see.

Mar 23, 2005 20:36

Just a quesiton. I don't care who you are or if you don't plan on commenting. Please do so. I need to get some persepctive, d'accord ( Read more... )

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heffalmpnwoozle March 25 2005, 07:31:24 UTC
Cheryn my love,
We have had such different experiences, although i think that maybe my words might be of comfort, even if the circumstances dont fit just perfectly.

I don't know the exact day when i lost the trust of my mother. I dont even remember what i felt or how i dealt with it. but in this case, i didnt just decide she was no longer worthy of trust. i trusted her for much longer than i should have, maybe because no matter what i say or she says or the world tries to tell me, i am still her daughter. i would try offering second chances, saying that she will change her ways. it never happened, and i dont think it ever will. i doubted her for so long, and it was the worst feeling in the world to know that my own mother would be hiding something from me. even today somewhere deep inside me wants her to come out of that immature stage of not being able to take responsibility for herself, her children, her family, and just live her life instead of being stuck in this stage. i dont know where she is, who shes become, who she calls herself, why shes there. i barely consider her my mother anymore, although at the same time i must. i cant run from it. she cant run from the fact that she has responsibility in this life. i dont know if this doubt will ever go away. if it does, it means ive forgotten about her. if it doesn't, ill be stuck here for a while.

for a while, i would see her in my dreams. it wasn't pleasant. i distinguished between that and reality by telling myself she wasn't here, she wasn't real. my dreams were just what i hoped shed become or who i thought she had become. i suppose in some cases its not that easy to distinguish. nevertheless, there needs to be some sort of trust built up somewhere. from trust comes hope. hope that things will work out. hope that because they are our parents, they know what thye are doing, and telling us what we need to know. it might seem sometimes like parents are hiding something, although whne it is discovered, one might findout one never wanted to know in the first place. give it some time is all that i can say. time can play horrible tricks, but it can also heal quite well.i havent seen her in over a year and a half. i suppose that has helped, even if it didnt solve anything.

anyway, i dont konw if that has helped much. all i can do now is trust that things will work out. its beyond my power to fix anything with my mother, and i can just hope that she will clue herself in sooner or later. as for the whole part about hiding stuff, i guess that too needs a certain degree of trust that if parents hide anything, its for your good. what needs to be known will be known when time allows.

from fear comes doubt
doubt means you miss what you used to trust
from doubt comes trust
trust means you rely on that thing you miss
from trust comes hope
hope that the past will work its way into the future
from hope comes whatever you want hope to be

i love you.
-alex

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heffalmpnwoozle March 25 2005, 11:48:07 UTC
am i forgiven for not using my note-writing time for notes to you now?

sorry that came out so long lol.

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ender_cheryn March 25 2005, 18:47:26 UTC
eh i guess...but i am expecting anote every once in awhile my love. :-p

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